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Saturday, 20 February 2016

THE COD ALMIGHTY

Voted Bristol's Number One Chippy 



I first posted the bones of this in 2009 when I was enjoying myself so much in the Ambulance Service.  I have had a bit of fun with it recently ~ in fact it has become rather addictive and cheered away the recent wintry blues.

My idea was inspired by my good friend David McMahon of authorblog, who sadly is no longer blogging.  I took the theme from his post, "Nearer, My Cod, To Thee", where he reports a fisherman finding a cellphone, still working, after being swallowed and inside the belly of a giant cod. Quite remarkable! One might be tempted to say that the cellphone had become temporally immobile.

Obviously, the fisherman must have cast his nets to the other side of his boat to land such a big fish. I wonder if the phone was ringing off it's hook, as the cod was caught. Of course one cannot but imagine the caller hearing an automated response, "I am sorry, the line is busy right now and it has not been possible to connect you; please try again later!"

Perhaps this fish was a distant descendant of another large fish which swallowed Jonah and, not liking his taste, either spat him out, or blew him ashore from his blow hole, causing him to land near Nineveh, and from there he went on to convert the whole city ~ not to Fish and chips, I might add. 

The cellphone incident occurred somewhere in the UK and there is the distinct possibility that, after the fish was gutted, boned, cleaned and cut up, these pieces of Cod, which passeth all understandingmay have turned up in a fish and chip shop, located in Bristol, called  . . wait for it . . . The Cod Almighty

Perhaps you may think this all a huge red herring and I do not wish to be an old trout about appearing too secretive of its location, so I will tell you exactly where it is 'plaiced'

You'll find it situated on Southmead Road, A4056, quite near Southmead Hospital, in north Bristol.  


And here it is, still there today I hasten to say, and there is not 'mushroom' inside because customers are packed in like sardines in a tin ~ no room at all for a single bloater.



We passed by regularly on our various ambulance duties, ferrying patients to and from Southmead Hospital, and often wider afield. 

Sometimes, if we had time and felt hungry, we stopped there for a bite to eat and I'll tell you now that the flavour of these 'chish and fips' was absolutely fabulous and second to none!

From across the road we could not see clearly whether the owner was the sole proprietor or not, but he was a nice chap called Raywho was a Fin and very friendly, but a bit 'stingy', so we nicknamed him Stingray. Yet he was quite reasonable to pensioners because for two portions he charged just six squid.

His assistant was Spike, who never showed his teeth in spite of his long snout.  Non of us doubted they would not dream of deliberately 'carping' anyone. We thought that neither would they ever, under any circumstance, contemplate telling anyone to sling their hooks or tell them 'you've had your chips, mate  . . . . cod off.'

If you looked closely inside you would have seen some people, mouths drooling, waiting patiently at the counter. Just round the corner inside, I once saw an elderly man 'perched' on a seat sound asleep. When I asked if there was a problem I was told, "Oh! that's Barrycuda'eel be ok ~  'e's fallen asleep after 'is dinner; 'e loves it 'ere ~ don't worry 'e's only a kipper and 'e's quite 'armless!".

There was a lot of activity taking 'plaice'; a lady doing the 'conger', a gambler throwing his 'dace' and a young lad wearing roller 'skates' . . .  oh! . . and a lady starting another 'roe' of knitting, and a man from the cobblers next door, where you get your boots 'soled and 'eeled'. A young girl kept us entertained by playing a 'tuna' for us on her mouth organ.  Her Koi rendition of 'Salmonchanted Evening' from 'Mouth Specific' upset one miserable old croaker who in a deep bass voice told her to stop it, so she promptly gave him a stickleback which firmly closed his loosejaw for good.

At The Cod Almighty there is no sign whatsoever of any overpowering 'stench' of fish, but just a mild mouth-watering whiff, which smelt a little bit funny, yet was guaranteed to excite one's salivary glands and stimulate the gizzard.

The haddock and mushy peas were great as well, as were the fish cakes, fish fingers, sausage rolls and pasties and snake and pigmy pies - all super and would make anyone 'bream' with delight.   This man certainly knew how to trawl for business and to catch any drifter and reel them in one by one. He was an expert 'hook, line and sinker' man.

But there was no sturgeon to be seen anywhere, and being a Royal fish, and thus attracting and belonging to royalty, Prince Charles, who lives nearby at Highgrove, in Tetbury, was highly conspicuous by his absence, much preferring Camilla to cook for him at home. However, she was in two minds, wondering, "Shall I give him baked beans on toast or 'shall-i-butter' him a nice slice of bread with some pilchards as a treat for him being a good boy.

After all this publicity I had afforded The Cod Almighty, with my post in 2009, I expected next time I passed by that I would notice a huge queue of people standing in a long line, eagerly awaiting their meals.  And sure enough they came in multitudes, just like at the famous seven loaves and five fishes event when there was not a 'dorsal' left ~ it was all 'finished'.

If you are viewing, Mr Owner, please remember not to be a stingy old shark and stop twiddling your barbels because I am angling for a free cod and chips for this plug, which should boost your trade enormously, after all these extra people you have netted, thanks to me. Just think, mate, you are no longer a little minnow or small fry ~ you are a big fish and you have a brill business. Customers are coming to you in shoals

When I saw him again I suggested he gave me a freebie as a thank you, but he bristled under the gills and he said rather curtly, "No 'ruddy' way you flathead and silly pollock . . . . who do you think I am, a longnosed sucker?"   . .  and he promptly told me to 'cod off' and that he was a dab hand at this business without me and he was not a 'flipping 'charity'? 

"Oh!", I said, 'floundering', "I thought you were a nice guppy but now I can see you are no Angelfish, in fact you are a Devil Ray and I shall not be extending my 'filletitations' to you again.  I am so sorry to have 'encroached' on your time, I am sure, "You are rapidly becoming a rotten mackerel, you stingy old flatfish. For goodness hake, aren't you even going to 'mullet' over? . . . . your nasty comments are very 'misplaiced'.  Do you always batter your customers like this and rub salt and vinegar into their wounds?   I am wrapping this up right now and I shall not return for another serving, so there!" 

And with that we said our goodbyes and I have not seen him since.


Before our 'daceagreement' I took home some cod and chips for my son and just look what he did with the ketchup - what a mess! . . . and I was amazed because he actually prefers brown sauce.


That's youth of today for you. 

But I did the same to mine last week, didn't I?  . . . lol



Many apologies for all these 'in-tench-ional' and 'orfeful' puns. However, it is essential to use them all in order to convey my full message. Incidentally I had a whale of a time doing this!

A 'ruffe and ready' pun is good for the sole and somehow I 'haddock-ray-ving' to do it, and the 'op-perch-tuna-ty' presented itself very nicely.  It's hardly brain 'sturgeon' stuff but these fish puns are easy to follow any day of the week barramundi, but if you cannot follow them at all you might consider all this a 'load of pollacks', or to be more polite, a load of 'codswallop'.  

I have omitted to comment on several varieties of fish I hardly dare mention, including hugetits, a very buoyant species found in the Mediterranean Sea, or to expand further on what could be said on pike, crappee, pouting and halibut. There is no 'porpoise' in being rude, so my lips are sealed.

My big problem now is that I shall be thinking of this after posting and no doubt other fish words and sayings will spring to mind and swim to the surface, which I would have liked included . . . . haha

_______________________


The link to David's post is still there but I am including the short story below because it is so funny.  I am sure David would not mind. He left his blog open for anyone wanting to read it:



Ringing Endorsement



Nearer, My Cod, To Thee



A businessman in the UK, who lost his cellphone on a beach, was amazed when it turned up - in the belly of a giant cod.  A week after he lost it, his girlfriend's cellphone rang and it was a fisherman saying he'd found the phone in a 25lb (11.5 kg) fish.  The handset was returned, allowed to dry out - and it still works.


Footnote: In cod we trust



Thank you David

________________


Cod knows what I am going to post next week !!! 
I shall be like a fish out of water . . haha







41 comments:

  1. Oh my starfish! It's the fishy version of War and Peace! I need a nap now, Eddie. Well done! xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL .. . . once I got going I couldn't put it down . . . you mean a kip(per) . . . :)xo

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Glad you didn't say puny . . . lol
      A fishy story indeed . . .:)

      Delete
  3. Well that was a fine kettle of fish
    A big fish in a small pond if you wish
    Fishing for compliments today?
    Fish or cut bait to join the fray?
    There may be plenty more fish in the sea
    But it would by fishy if they all ringed with glee
    Became a fish in troubled waters
    Other fish to fry for squatters
    Or maybe just a Slippery dick
    Yeah, for childish me that fish name gets my pick

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saved the catfish just for you
      I knew you'd like it at your zoo . . . lol

      Delete
  4. Eddie, my friend, I got a haddock just reading this. Nevertheless, before I clam up, I'll oyster pint of ale to my lips in your honor! Sea you later!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope you had some Paris-ate-em-alls . . . and are now ok.
      I'd better Clam up . . . :) lol

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  5. Replies
    1. "Oh you are oreful! But I like you!" . . . :)

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    2. I've saved the "Cat"fish just for you . . . lol

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  6. *grin* aren't words fun!! Mind you, fish and chips for lunch sounds rather good to me right now....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wordplay is a good way of passing the day . . .
      Hope you enjoyed your fish and chips . . :)

      Delete
  7. Hi Eddie - in cod we trust .. what a great story - both of them .. and now I want fish and ships - too bad .. something else is in line for supper!

    Cheers Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Hilary ~ I doubt whether fish and chips will ever be the same again somehow . . . :)

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  8. A smashing story, Eddie! I also enjoyed several of the comments!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Michelle, glad you liked it.
      I enjoyed doing that so much and all the "cods-whallop!" . . . lol

      Delete
  9. Hello there!! I just wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog! Boy was this a funny post :-)) Glad I found this little corner of the internet! I'll be shore to stop over again soon :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Silvana ~ glad you liked it ~ I am trying to find a fish similar to your name but I am floundering . . . . nice to meet you and I shall will visit you as well . . :)

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  10. Well, that was quite a grouper fishy tails in a roe, don't think I could hake any more.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you like all the 'fishtails' and perhaps you saw the odd rainbow trout or two . . . lol . . . :)

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  11. Well, that was quite a grouper fishy tails in a roe, don't think I could hake any more.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I see you have come back for a second helping . . . :) lol

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  12. What did the fish say when he posted bail? "I'm off the hook!"
    Why don't fish like basketball? Cause they're afraid of the net.
    How do you make an Octopus laugh? With ten tickles.
    Why did the octopus cross the road? To get to the other tide.
    What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
    OK, that's enuf!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holy Mackerel just look at all these !!!
      Thanks . . . . I think . . . lol
      This fishy complain is addictive isn't it? . . :)

      Delete
  13. Well, that was a load of old codswallop, but I didn't quite catch on to some lines.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah . . . . that's a phrase that escaped me . . . :) lol

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  14. Hi Eddie....
    Very " soleful" post.....and long !
    Have a great day....
    Cheers!
    Linda :o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I should have "skated" over it a bit faster . . . but got carried away and that's why it is "Soleong".
      Hope you and the b/f are enjoying being "basking sharks" in the sun . . lol
      Cheers ~ Eddie . . :)

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    2. Something very " fishy" about that comment!

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    3. lol . . . . . enjoy your hols . . :)

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  15. Well, I've GOT to show this post to my husband who will be rolling on the floor with all your puns. He's a pretty skilled punster himself. As for me, I'm now hungry for some really good fish and chips.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Karen
      Guess what I am eating right now . . . . lol
      Glad your hubby likes puns but tell him not to leave his cellphone on the beach . .
      It's a bit fishy how they sometimes vanish . . .

      Delete
  16. Here's a blast from the past greetings from sunny New Mexico...attempting to write her blog again...stopping by to say hello and enjoying your puns immensely. Missed you dearest Eddie.
    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well hello, Sue, what a wonderful surprise. I had just finished writing an answer to Karen's comment and you appeared out of nowhere. Wonderful. So nice to see you. . missed you too.
      Glad you liked the puns . . . it is quite addictive and I must learn to "coderate" them . . . lol
      Hope you are feeling better . . . . Hugs to you . . :) x

      Delete
  17. Oh Eddie, thanks so much for sharing this post. I smiled through the entire reading and feel as though I just 'cod' to keep smiling!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Rose . . . . . pleasure writing it . . :)

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  18. Fish and chips, one of my favorites. love your story telling and your great sense of humor. Happy Thursday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Linda . . . . I had to keep 'chipping' away at it . . . lol

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  19. I just now caught my breath, thought I'd laugh myself to death. Reading this kept me from being crabby, I now consider you quite a chum. Karen Gowens punny husband.

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    1. Thank you husband of my blog friend Karen
      I'm pleased to see your puns aren't barren
      There's so many fish in each blue sea
      With strange names we can pun, you will agree
      I'm glad you had a real good laugh
      And this orfeful monograph . . . .

      If you want another to get you in stitches
      read this post as the subject switches.

      http://eddybluelights.blogspot.co.uk/2009/08/cerne-abbas-giant.html

      Delete

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