Clouds and Silvery Linings

A Blogging Break

2012-01-25T20:00:00.001Z

Hi Folks!

I am long overdue for a short blogging break, so I have decided to:

. . . . . with lots of Kit Kat chocolate LOL.

I have been blogging for 3 years and this is my first break, although I have not been very active in BlogLand for a while. I am very busy with life outside BlogLand and have little time to devote to posting and commenting - sorry I have not visited for a while.

I hope it won't be too long before I return with batteries suitably charged, new ideas in my cerebral hemispheres and fingers eager to glide over the keys on strict instructions from the guy wearing this famous thinking hat.

Meanwhile you are most welcome to have a cup-pa at my second blog, Plato's Procrastinations, where I post my favourite music and comedy sketches. Ever seen/heard anyone play the fast last movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on . . . . . . wait for it . . . . . . electric guitar? Well HERE'S your chance.

Why Do Things Wear Out and Who Put Them There In The First Place?

2012-01-12T01:11:00.001Z

I'll repeat the heading:

Why Do Things Wear Out and Who Put Them There In The First Place?

Searching questions indeed! You may be wondering what on Earth is Eddie 'rabbiting on' about this time?

Well, this summer, as some of you know, I renovated our garden swing, pergola, bird table and nesting boxes. Also I incorporated a garden seat I made from parts salvaged from an old bench. Many parts of this had gone rotten and were subsequently thrown out and taken to the tip.

It all looks spic and span and much improved over my previous efforts 15 years ago - I suppose I've learned a lot since the first project and have built it very differently this time. I shall be posting all about how I thought through the design, how I built it all etc, but meanwhile here is the completed creation which I enjoyed doing immensely.

The bench is not quite finished in this photo but rest assured I do manage to sit down occasionally and enjoy a cup of coffee, always mindful of those wretched pigeons likely to dive bomb us poor humans should we choose to sit beneath where they choose to perch sometimes. They are such a nuisance and I just cannot get rid of them. Anyone got any ideas?

So here is the old swing roof on which a beautiful clematis Elizabeth Montana used to rest. I will be planting a new clematis to climb over the new timbers.

"What a horrible load of rhubarb", as my Economics Master used to comment on my essays sometimes.

During this restoration work I got thinking some deeper thoughts than usual, inspired by the horrible state of the original pergola top timbers and how badly they had rotted since I installed them 15 years previously. Further, during my endeavours I noticed two support posts to the swing/pergola had rotted through and needed replacing. Inspired by all this I began to wonder:

Why do things rot? Why do things wear out? Why do we need to paint metalwork and woodwork? Why does Mrs Bluelights (and me) have to clean the house so often? Why do we age and why do we die? . . . . oh and whilst we are at it,

How did we and our universe get here in the first place?

"Golly!", did I hear you think? LOL, "what's Eddie on this time?"
Of course I do not have the answers but all these questions kept coming to mind while I was working and I concluded that they all hinge on two basic and universal fundamental laws of physics, namely the first and second laws of thermodynamics. These I remember from my school days, so many years ago:

1. The First Law of Thermodynamics - that matter can neither be created nor destroyed.
2. The Second Law of Thermodynamics - that all things run down or degenerate. In other words chaos comes out of order and not the other way round.

I shall return to the first law in due course but I reasoned we spend most of our lives striving to undo the second law of thermodynamics - I certainly did so during my self-employed days when Painting and Decorating. We try to combat the second law by applying two ingredients, intelligence and work, sometimes a lot of work. Several examples spring to mind where things run down very quickly from a state of relative order to absolute chaos and they do not run back to order all by themselves, unfortunately. Earthquakes, the recent tsunami in Japan, frequent hurricanes in the southern States of America and elsewhere, violent flooding which can occur anywhere immediately come to mind . . . . . plus countless other examples of what we call natural disasters. These all result in major chaos in the form of loss of life and damage. We can do nothing to restore loss of life but we can address damage if we apply a great deal of intelligence and work to put it right, sometimes taking years to complete the restorations. Much milder examples of gradual running down into disorder are the kind of things I had to put right in the garden project which I tackled this summer. Examples being that wood rots, metal rusts, paint flakes, paths require sweeping of fallen leaves . . . . . get my drift? . . . . and of course Mrs Bluelights announces almost daily the house needs cleaning yet again! "But we only did it yesterday!", I protest. "But it is dusty again!", is the usual reply. I must say I am tempted to use the following epitaph on her headstone, should the situation arise, "No more dust where I am going - I hope!". Sorry love, I do but jest.

The very air we breathe bears testimony to an agent of degeneration. It contains oxygen (thank God) and some water vapour and putting the two together we get a reaction with iron, oxygen and water to form ferric oxide, or the dreaded rust, which is a major enemy to many things we make and try to protect. We have to try to stop corrosion on bridges they might collapse in time, cars would fall apart . . . .and so on. We all strive so hard to protect our possessions and homes and to ensure do this we have to apply some intelligence and work into the equation by sanding it all down, preparing surfaces and applying protective paint or preservative.

We have to make our beds each morning and put our clothes away and wash dirty laundry - as we keep telling the kids, "beds do not make themselves and tidy your room". The same principle applies to our teeth. The dentist has to make sure we clean them properly and regularly and if things degrade then fillings are required or worse, extractions. We age for reasons not fully understood and alas we die after our allotted time here, eventually decomposing to ash. Life is imperfect in this universe and things certainly do not last for ever. Leaves wither and fall from trees in Autumn, but this time there is an inbuilt and planned programme of restoration because when Spring come round new buds appear and new growth occurs - the work this time results from the energy of the Sun. The intelligence responsible this time is the subject of constant debate and argument, in fact sometimes ridicule. Whoever objects to this on mere scientific grounds intelligence must be there somewhere in the equation of "Nature" because if it wasn't things would continue to run down and the plants would not grow again - but they do every year.

Just as we apply intelligence and work to combat the second law of thermodynamics here on Earth then the same must apply throughout the entire Universe. Surely for the sake of consistency it should require a very orderly situation everywhere at the beginning of time and from then everything has gradually run down and is continuing to do so, with chaos getting ever stronger because there is nothing going on to apply intelligence and work to reverse it. So stars the size of our sun end up as white dwarfs, more massive ones become neutron stars and very massive stars are destined to be black holes from which not even light can escape because of their incredible gravity. Yet scientists. well some of them, tell us the opposite . . . . that order gradually comes from a chaotic situation. Well forgive my feeble mind but if our earthly situation really does exist in accordance with the second law which all scientists recognise and accept then why should it not exist in the greater Universe? This contradiction to me is an impossibility and breaks one of their own cherished laws of physics that things actually do run down, universally. Now they cannot have it both ways - either one thing is true or the other.

Now let's move on to the first law, namely that matter can neither be created nor destroyed. This does not mean that we cannot destroy an object by breaking it up, or that wood cannot rot, or that iron cannot rust. These things do not simply disappear - I for one wish they would then all our trash and garbage would be gone and we would not have such enormous problems with land fill etc. They do not disappear but their constituent atoms are changed into something else but they are still there and will remain in the universe so the atoms themselves have not been destroyed. Turning to the most contentious subject of the creation of matter, if the scientists say that matter cannot be created then where the 'ell does it all come from? They would say, from elements from the stars. OK I would accept that but where do the stars come from? They would say from a cosmic egg at the big bang when time began and space came into being. OK that may be true. Moses knew nothing about science when he wrote Genesis so he had to convey his message somehow and perhaps it does not matter exactly how creation might have been explained, but I ask again, "Where did the Cosmic Egg come from?" And we can go on and on with the scientists not being able to give an answer but continuing to wriggle and squirm their way out of the question and trying anything to actually not admit there might be some grand intelligence behind all this creation plus a huge amount of work. And perhaps it must have taken something or someone outside the Universe to make it all happen, call it or Him whatever you like. Or have I got something wrong?

Anyway, these are just a few thoughts I had doing this job. I am a bit of a day dreamer sometimes LOL.

Mrs Bluelights would say, "Never mind, Eddie, come and eat your Wheatabix!" LOL

Birds Of A Feather

2012-01-09T23:06:00.003Z

The Blue Tits are back in our garden but this time there seems to be just a pair. Remember the last time I posted on the subject there were two ladies. Well the ladies have agreed that one of them should back down and the gent seems to have made his choice.

But has she made her choice regarding accommodation?

She just cannot decide between this highly select detached residence . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . and this rather nice semi detached property. The other entrance is on the opposite side. Since neither entrance on either box faces south, they might choose any entrance. But they never choose a south facing entrance because it is too hot for their young when they hatch.

"Oh, honey! I just cannot make up my mind. They are both beautiful . . . . . can we have them both? Just think of all the parties and guest we can have. I know all this waiting is ruffling up your feathers, but you will have to be patient and wait until spring. These things take time you know!"

"Oh! shut up woman and come and join me in the pool. It's a gorgeous day and the water is lovely - besides that I hate to say it but you have fleas!"

"Oh! fleas indeed . . . . you certainly know your way into a girl's heart! I'll give you a right flea in your ear if you're not careful and watch out or I'll give you a right ducking! I used to be a coast guard and I am an excellent swimmer!"

Actually they all have fleas and perhaps that is why they like to wash so often in bird baths. The photos are not very good because I had to take them through two double glazed windows which equates to four sheets of glass . . . . . plus, I had to zoom in substantially in order to get the birds into the frame. But it gives some idea of the daily activity in the garden. I am hopeful that these will be a breeding pair in the spring.

Both birds venture into the bird boxes regularly but they haven't built a nest in either box as yet. I have a suspicion that they sleep in the boxes because at dusk I have seen one bird enter the top box and not come out. Whether his lady friend was there or not I cannot tell. Because as yet they are not yet married. Blue Tits are birds with high morals you know and she might choose to sleep alone in the bird table box. Believe that and you'll believe anything. LOL

Watch this space for more news in due course.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T14:58:00.000Z

To all my Bloggy Pals

May 2012 and beyond be extremely kind to everyone

Christmas, Commercialism, Is Scrooge Right? . . . . and Our Wonderful Christmas Present

2011-12-24T20:49:00.004Z

I don't know about you but Christmas seems to come round with ever increasing frequency, making me wonder where does time go? I think time seems to accelerate as we get older for some unknown reason . I remember when I was in business my retired customers always said, "I don't know how I ever had time to go to work!" . . . . . and this I am finding is true.

However, back to Christmas, we are all ready for it and have our tree assembled yet again with all the lights working and baubles hanging, even though it seems like yesterday I was doing the exact same job:

. . . . . . . . . . . and all the Christmas Cards from friends and relatives are on display in our conservatory, which is wonderful.

I have always had certain thoughts about the way Christmas is going but this year these thoughts are even more pronounced in that our entire country appears to have forgotten, or more likely chosen not to remember, just what we are celebrating and what is the true meaning of Christmas. The ghost of my Christmas Past paints a very different picture to the spectre of Christmas Present, in which we live today, and I for one am most fearful of the coming ghost of Christmas Future. Why do I say this, and what is my point, you may wonder? Simply that for over 20 years I have noticed rampant 'commercialism' marching ever onwards until it has almost eclipsed the true meaning of Christmas. Why our very economy demands that this is so, with a necessity for increased Christmas and the New Year sales which must be better year on year. Failure to achieve this they say would cause shops to 'go bust', rising unemployment and yet another severe recession. Surely something is wrong somewhere!

I do not pretend to be saint and all those who know me are certain I wear no halo, but my Christmas Past takes me to a much nicer world, where most families at least tried to honour what Christmas is and should be, yet today we live in a secular society in which these things no longer matter.

I am beginning to wonder whether Scrooge may have been a little correct when he said, "Humbug" to Christmas. I say 'a little correct' because I actually agree with him in part and I say, "Humbug" to the commercial side of Christmas. It seems that millions upon millions of people buy presents for people year after year when they don't really want to do it, Further, the recipients also buy presents for the senders when they also don't really want to do it but feel they have to even though both parties cannot in truth afford to spend hundreds of pounds on Christmas presents if they were totally honest. It is quite comical that when we forget to buy a present for X and out of the blue X actually sends one to Y panic sets in and Y rushes to the shops and expends a great deal of energy with soaring stress levels to find one in time to buy it, wrap it, parcel it and post it first class that very day or it will be perceived by X that Y is a miserable and stingy old fart. Well perhaps that is overstating things and don't get me wrong I think to exchange presents to immediate family is perfectly OK but it is overdone when extended to all and sundry. And so people continue to run up excessive borrowing on their credit cards and many cannot repay the debt. Perhaps it might be an idea for more people to get together and agree to cut down their present sending but no-one wants to be the first to say it and so this situation goes on in the same way, year after year.

Oh dear you now think I an Ebeneezer and not Eddie LOL. Well, I might have over stated things a little but I am sure you get my drift, and I feel I have made my point.

Still on Christmas, I do hope the 'hierarchy' in Heaven have a keen sense of humour - I am certain they have so I feel you might be amused by this Christmas card I received this year from a relative who said, "When I saw the card I immediately thought of you, Eddie!" Gee, thanks Andy, I am not entirely sure how to take this one! LOL

So now you know, including all my celebrated cook book friends, why Turkey is always on the Christmas menu LOL.

Finally, Mrs Bluelights and I recently received the very best Christmas present anyone could wish for. It was simply a letter from her Oncology Consultant explaining the results of her last CT scan. The letter reads:

"Your recent scan has now been reported and I am pleased to be able to tell you that it strongly suggests that the Arimidex is continuing to work well for you. Certainly there is absolutely no evidence of any progression of your cancer and if anything the appearances are a little improved compared with the previous scan back in August 2009. This is all very encouraging and I am sure it is very sensible to continue with your present treatment."

This is wonderful news and we are very fortunate that many people ALL OVER THE WORLD, including all my lovely blogging friends, are praying for her continuously. Mrs Bluelights has been fighting breast cancer for 15 years and even though three years ago this spread to secondary bone cancer, it seems she is more than holding her own against this dreadful disease. Not many people have this degree of prayer help and we are most grateful to all of you. I am certain God has answered these prayers with a resounding 'Yes'. My thanks are extended also to all my non believing blogging friends and I am certain that their good wishes have been effective and contributed to her well-being as well. Thank you all so very, very much.

In conclusion Mrs Bluelights and I wish you ALL a very Happy Christmas.

13 Year Old Girl Threatens To Kill Santa

2011-12-16T19:35:00.006Z

We all know Christmas in this day and age is way over the top from a commercial standpoint - it has been so for years and regrettably the main focus of Christmas has been eclipsed by presents, greed, holidays, in fact everything other than what Christmas should be about.

Not more so than this year. Of course this story, featured in newspapers and media throughout the UK, does have a funny side but in a way it is rather shocking.

I was dumb stuck when I heard this story on our local radio. But of course it tickled my sense of humour too.

Ahh! Poor Santa is crying

A 13 year old girl wrote an ultimatum letter to Father Christmas demanding at least two expensive presents on her list and warned him that if he failed to deliver she would kill him. Further, she threatened to hunt down his beloved reindeer, cook them and serve them to homeless people on Christmas day. (Well at least she was thinking of less fortunates LOL). Her mother was amazed at first but vowed to meet her daughter's demands, saying, "You don't want to get the wrong side of Mekeeda!" However, she continued that it would be rather difficult to satisfy her daughter's wish to have the real live Justin Bieber in her Christmas stocking.

Here is her letter in full.

Dear Santa

This Christmas I don't ask for much so if I don't get at least two of the things I want I will literally KILL you. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Oh! also I'll hunt down your reindeers, cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Christmas day.
Nobody wants that.
So here is what I want

A Blackberry
Austin Mahone or Justin Beiber (real)
Money
Laura Knitted 33 Jumper
High Top Converter

Remember two of these or you DIE
Love From
Makeeda Austin
xxxxxx

Notice the affection she displays to Santa when she signs off "Love From" and even gives him some kisses before she plunges the knife in.

There were other items on the list but her hand writing was not clear so I could not read them and so I omitted them. I do hope Santa was able to read her demands or else he might be in grave danger. I hope he has a reliable pair of glasses from SpecSavers. She addressed the letter to Santa, Lapland, North Pole, so he is bound to receive it.

Shaking for reasons other than the cold Santa was observed to have modified his usual Christmas saying this year to, "No, No, No!" and he is considering employing Security guards to accompany him to ride shotgun when delivering presents throughout the cosmos. He is considering kidnapping Justin Beiber in order to protect himself and says if he is arrested he will plead Self Defence.

Tracy, her mother said, "We can't have her killing Santa can we so I had better let her have what she wants".
She continued, Mekeeda is such a lovely girl but can be very demanding. She is energetic and has to burn off all her excess energy playing sports or she can be hyperactive when she gets home. She is the life and soul of the party - there is never a dull moment when she is around so we can forgive her for being a bit of a diva."

I wonder whether her mother's secret wish this year to Santa is for him to give this young lady a long overdue good spanking.

______________________________

Whilst on the subject of Santa for those who missed it I wrote an article two years ago describing in great detail how he managed to deliver so many presents in such a small time-frame on Christmas Eve whilst consuming vast amounts of Sherry, kissing lots of Mummies under the mistletoe and managing to climb up and down chimneys at the speed of light. See HERE to read How Does Santa Do It?

When Is A Window A Prism?

2011-12-06T23:21:00.002Z

Now that seems a very strange and difficult question to answer and you may be wondering what caused me to ask it. Well, my reason for asking it was prompted when early one morning I saw this image projected on a wall in our hallway. I knew immediately from where it emanated - 30 feet away from some new windows we had installed recently in our conservatory.

I snapped the shot which I thought was interesting. Throughout the week we had noticed several such rainbows in many places, caused by the sun's rays being refracted just like a prism on striking the windows. My mind recalled the famous acronym I learnt at school when white light entering a prism is split into all the colours of the rainbow.

Richard Of York Gave Blood In Vain

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet

But windows panes are not prisms - they are just even sheets of glass, surely! Not so these:

. . . . . . and another shot from the inside:

Ah!! yes . . . . . . you now know the answer to the question when is a window a prism? When it has a bevel in it of course, and there are now 9 bevels shapes in 3 fanlight windows we had installed. The sunlight strikes the bevel and acts just like a prism, and because there are 9 bevelled diamonds the phenomena causes rainbow images to appear in interesting shapes. The images move too as the Earth rotates, which is a bit eerie. I can't wait for the summer when we get more sun. But I hope the bevels do not act as magnifying glasses as well - remember using magnifying glasses when we were kids when we wanted to start fires in the garden, using the sun's rays on a sheet of paper?

The original three fanlight windows all had to be replaced because the seals had broken inside the double glazed units, causing a misty film which happens when such windows eventually break down. I am an agent for a local window company so they fitted them for me two weeks ago.

Oh and just in the background of the last shot we can see my blue tit box - but no blue tit this time. We see them frequently but they are flitting about all over the place and sometimes don't return for a few days. Here is a close up shot of the bird house with the new bevel diamond showing refraction of the vegetation:

The Birds And The Bees - And It Looks Promising For The Blue Tit Nesting Season

2011-11-26T00:15:00.008Z

Hi Folks!

I'm still very busy these days but I managed to get a great camera shot of a Blue Tit bird this morning whilst it was investigating my bird box.

In fact there were three birds 'flitting' around, presumably site seeing the local property market. They all seemed interested in this renovated bird box on which I had worked during the summer. One bird in particular appeared fascinated with it and I presumed it was the male. His companions, which I judged to be females, did not venture quite as close as he to the entrance since it is not yet the breeding season. So he will not be trying to entice a female just yet, but no doubt he will be practising his sweet talking chat up lines over the winter months.

I watched him go in and out a few times but the ladies seemed reluctant to enter just yet, perhaps turning their noses up at the property and wanting a better one with hot and cold running water, an en suite, solar panels, a dish washer and all the mod cons. I detected also a little animosity between the other two birds, which is why I was prompted to think they might be females. My imagination was kindled and I pictured a humorous clash between the two jealous females competing for this attractive gentleman. One might have said to the other, "Now listen lady, and listen good - that man is taken!". The other might have replied, "Oh really! he didn't tell me that, so obviously he hasn't decided yet, has he?". The first and more aggressive one might retort angrily. "Hey! Now listen again lady. There are two things I never share. The first is my toothbrush, the second is my man. Now back off!"

Whichever lady he might eventually choose I imagined this poor little fellow might have his work cut out to convince his would-be mate that this property is a highly desirable detached one bedroom residence, complete with bird bath/swimming pool, and situated in a very select area near a good secondary modern school. And boy, you can't ask for much more than that. Further, the property has been revamped during the summer months and has a new roof, complete with lead flashing. Whatever you do don't tell the magpies! Further, would you believe, this little gem of a house has been furnished with a nice coat of paint, both externally and internally - what more could any bird want?

Still, there's no way of pleasing every female, some of whom seem decidedly choosy. Take a tip from me fellow, work on your Buff Bod, get into shape, develop your Wit and your Charm and forget about the house - then they'll come flocking to you..

On a more serious note during the summer I dismantled the box and gave it a thorough clean inside and out because two years ago we did not have Blue Tits nesting there but some very strange visitors. You may remember we had a nest of Bumble Bees residing at the same address.

"Not a pretty sight, honey", thought the Blue Tits that year, so they missed out big time on five star accommodation.

A breeding pair of Blue Tits did return early last year, beating the Bumble Bees back to the scene, completely out manoeuvring them by exercising early squatting rights. Once they had taken up residence an angry Queen Bumble Bee returned and seemed determined to repossess the property and we saw a battle royal ensue - with both birds repeatedly dive bombing the bee who eventually gave up and went elsewhere. Well done Blue Tits. Hooray!

Those brave little birds had something else to contend with as well because higher up, attached to the house wall, a pair of Great Tits then took up residence and built their nest in my larger bird box which I actually built for sparrows. I have had Great Tits nesting there regularly but to date no sparrows. Great Tits are larger than Blue Tits and usually bully them and chase them away. Not so last year, I am pleased to say. Here's a shot I took of a Great Tit entering his or her abode.

It is very strange and rare that both species seemed to tolerate each other last year - normally they are both very possessive regarding their territories, particularly the Great Tits. But the Blue Tits had got there first and after they had won their battle against the Queen Bumble Bee they were determined to stand their ground against the Great Titsl. It seems that both species were situated on the edges of their agreed territories, with the Blue Tits flying out of their box in a Westerly direction and the Great Tits in an Easterly direction, so they stayed out of each others way. I've never seen this situation before, or read about it, but I am hoping for a repeat situation this coming season.

I did purchase a handy camcorder so I could capture some of last season's activity on video. Unfortunately both sets of birds had flown the nest the very day I had planned to film them. I was rather disappointed and annoyed but never mind I am ready for them this year.

During the summer I cleaned out the bird nests - birds will not nest in boxes with existing nests in them. Part of the courtship ritual is to build a nest together, so they are not in the least interested in furnished properties.

Also during the summer I cleaned out a lot a 'rubbery' residue from the previous year when the Bumble Bees had taken possession. It was a nasty, sticky mess. I took the whole thing apart and rebuilt it and incorporated a new roof. I'll write more when the birds nest and try to get some video clips.

Funeral For A Wonderful Lady

2011-11-21T00:39:00.001Z

I am a bit busy right now so I cannot post anything new just yet. However I would like you to read one of my earlier posts, written over two years ago and titled, Funeral For A Wonderful Lady
I was deeply moved by the death of this lady who had been a true friend of the family for 50 years. She had a fantastic send off from Planet Earth by a congregation of over 400 who obviously agreed with me that this lady was very special.

Please press HERE to see it and please make a comment on the original when you get there. I would value your input since this is one of my rare serious posts.

I hope to be able to resume posting and visiting soon.

After 18 Months From Surgery I Feel At Long Last I Am Back In Shape

2011-11-06T21:16:00.004Z

Well Folks!!
I thought I'd give you an update on my health following my total hip replacement in February 2010. So it is 2 years next February since I went under the knife, electric saw, chisel, hammer, electric drill, nails, glue and goodness knows what else. I have covered all this in previous posts, including the Deep Vein Thrombosis and treatment I experienced shortly after the operation - all now long gone and behind me..

I did recover very well and quickly, to an extent, but I did not realise fully that a complete recovery would take a lot longer than I would like to admit, being a rather impatient individual. Folks, it is a big operation and the surgery knocks the body about something rotten - particularly affecting the lower legs and feet. It is strange that even the leg not operated on seemed to swell just as much as the one which experienced the actual surgery. Very strange.

So why am I writing about all this now?

Well, I have felt very well for over a year now and have regained my strength and stamina, thus enabling me to undertake quite strenuous activity, like in the summer when I worked on some major garden projects.

Gosh! What a brute this equipment is - it sliced through concrete like butter! I shall write all about these projects in due course. I doubt whether they used this monster on my hip but there were plenty of power tools used from the Black and Decker range, I am sure.

So after about 9 months I was very able to undertake hard physical work but very recently I think for the first time my legs and feet seem to have returned to their normal size. I can now wear my normal shoes but in particular I am delighted to report that I am able to get my feet into my favourite gardening Wellington Boots. Of course you may be wondering why on Earth would I want to wear those awful "passion killers" and not something more becoming and striking like tight black Cowboy Boots.

Hmmm! I see what you mean!!

For a start if I did wear tight black Cowboy Boots most people around here would consider me stark raving bonkers. My point simply is I am delighted to have normal sized feet again and my green Wellington Boots are proof that this has occurred. Also, equally pleasing, is that my black Ambulance Boots fit me once again but alas not for Ambulance duty since I am retired from the service.

Several bloggers did ask if I would add a Video YouTube of a Total Hip Replacement so you can see what a hammering I actually received. I did try to find a video showing all the surgical procedures but this one was the best I could find. My apologies for the picture being blocked out by the theatre staff sometimes.

"Was it worth it?", you may be wondering. "Overwhelmingly, yes! The pain has gone, I have full mobility, It feels as though I have never had a problem and I feel great, but most of all I can wear my green Wellington Boots again. If ANYONE out there is worried about the surgery and experiencing severe Arthritic pain like I did, then please go ahead and get it done! You will get your life back, but it will take 18 months, plus, to fully recover.

So here is the YouTube, Watch it if you dare LOL, and think of poor Eddie under the knife. The chap, Greg, seemed to have had worse Arthritis than I had but I was well and truly confined to a walking stick. Imagine it!! An Ambulanceman with a walking stick!! No wonder I could not carry on with it.

Soon I shall return to my Painting and Decorating stories with a few Ambulance stories thrown in as and when I think of them.

Meanwhile The Sunday Roast is still on hold until I can devote more time to the column. I am very grateful to those friends who have offered assistance and I shall be contacting you in due course. Thank you again.

Eddie's First YouTube - How To Solve The Solo Game

2011-10-27T23:53:00.003+01:00

Today something rather different! I have made my first Video for BlogLand. Hope you enjoy it.

Well, I hope you enjoyed that! I expect a number of you knew how to do this already.

With all these spinsters and batchelors it is a wonder the whole family did not die out on that side of the clan. Considering all those unmarried brothers and sisters, some already departed before this story, it is fortunate that my grandfather produced a son, my father. From then my father was the last of the clan but he married and Maggie arrived first, then me. I was then the last in line but married and had a daughter and a son, who is currently the last in line. Go for it, son - but get things in the right order first LOL.

My elderly relations were, as I said, rather strange. They had a good sense of humour, except my grandfather, who was rather grumpy. I wonder where I get mine? I suppose Auntie Madge was the liveliest out of a rather dreary bunch but unfortunately they were all extremely stingy - I cannot recall being given a penny piece. I remember one particular occasion when my parents were very amused when their purses were not opened yet again - had they done so I suppose a plentiful supply of moths might have flown everywhere. This example of the worst case of 'stingyism', or should I say stinginess, I have ever known was the occasion of a relative's silver wedding anniversary. It is usual and fitting to send a present made from silver for a Silver Wedding Anniversary - not so with my elderly relatives! Their solution was to send a jar of Silver Shred marmalade LOL. I am not sure how the present was received or whether they ever spoke to my elderly relatives again..

A Highly Embarrassing Goof - Eddie's First Aid Course

2011-10-18T21:36:00.003+01:00

I am having a short break from Painting and Decorating stories so we step into my time machine and travel 15-20 years into the future. I had just joined a private ambulance company as an ACA/driver which did very nicely for me as a run up to my retirement. Before any of us can be let loose with patients in any way whatsoever the basic requirement is a four day intensive First Aid course, and that is for starters, even to allow us to undertake routine patient transport. After that we progress to more in house courses like the First Responder Course and if anyone wants to progress in the A and E area the training is very intensive, culminating with a Paramedic qualification. I was a 'oldie' and there was no point in me having aspirations which were unrealistic, considering I was nearing retirement, so I struck with First Aid and First Responder courses plus any relevant in house course the company considered necessary. I attended a four day residential Drive 1 course in Cornwall which qualified me to drive any ambulance up to police driving standards, but not using Blue Flashing Lights and Sirens for A and E work. That required additional training as a Drive 2 Emergency Driver for Accidents and Emergency driving. I remember teasing someone who had just passed her Drive 2 and said that she would do in an emergency if they couldn't find anyone else! She loved it and laughed her head off.

Anyway back to the story. The venue for the four day First Aid course was ex house and our trainer was a lovely lady called Dianne. She was a very efficient trainer and fortunately she had an extremely good sense of humour. I loved studying First Aid. We paired up as twos and took it in turns to practice resuscitation to an unconscious but breathing patient and then rolling them over into the recovery position. My partner was Pam, who had started work on the same day I did. For obvious reasons we could not use live partners for an unconscious and non-breathing patient. Instead we used manikins and practiced CPR, Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, where the requirement was to get them on their backs, apply two breaths into their mouth and then 30 quick compressions to help pump oxygenated blood round their bodies and notably to the brain, and keep doing this until emergcy services arrive. Several of my friends have saved people doing this which is marvellous. There is a lot of residual oxygen in the lungs of an unconcious non breathing patient, in fact 16%, as opposed to 20% in normal air and freshly breathed into the lungs, so it is possible to keep oxygenated blood circling for a while. However the success rate of a full recovery is just 6% unfortunately. One chap on the training course forgot he had to use a manikin and started to practice on his lady partner, whom he did not even know before that day. This caused a high degree of amusement and uproar.

Here is a manikin just like the ones we used:

This guy is applying 30 firm chest compressions

During the second day, Dianne was dealing with eye injuries and the requirement to apply an antiseptic solution to wash any harmful grit or similar intrusions away from the affected eye. We were asked if we could suggest appropriate solutions which may be available in a First Aid situation. Various suggestions were made, all of which were entirely acceptable and then I put up my hand and was invited to offer my idea. I said, jokingly, "This morning you said, 'Never knock urine, it is a powerful and effective anti-septic' , so why not urine?". The whole class, including Dianne, went into hysterics with Dianne acting, "Excuse me patient, do you mind if I pee into your eye?".

Next day we progressed to shock and why it is necessary for a shocked patient to always lie down. Shock simply is lack of oxygen to the brain, which normally takes 30% of all oxygen in our bodies. This explains why invariably we feel sick when in shock. The stomach hates not having an adequate blood supply and if that falls short it's contents are rapidly expelled in vomit. And vomitting is so dangerous for any breathing unconsious person and there is a vital reason why they have to be put in a recovery position. There is a real possibility if they are left on their backs they may vomit and this may be inhaled. Vomit is very acidic and corrosive and would certaining dissolve lung tissue and causae death - even in small quantities. By placing patients on their side all vomit can drain out of their mouths. During shock a lot of blood is diverted to the greedy brain. Nature's way of dealing with this is to fall down and lie down and that is the correct First Aid procedure. To assist further more blood is diverted to the brain if the feet are elevated. Gosh! haven't I remembered it all well? Hope you are interested!

Anyway with all that on board the following afternoon we were taught about head injuries and if the patient is in shock as well, then it is more difficult to stop bleeding from the head injury - it's a swings and rounabouts situation. The solution is to raise the head slightly and rest it on the First Aider's knees whilst squatting. This was ably demonstrated by Dianne and a lady pretend patient.

And then Eddie drops an unbelievable unintentional clanger. In front of the entire class, with a girl as the patient lying on the floor with her head on Dianne's folded legs in a sitting position and supporting her head these immortal words gushed from Eddie's mouth:

"It's surprising what difference an extra 6 inches makes!"

Oh! to find a big hole to fall into. The whole place errupted into a sea of laughter! The patient's shoulders immediately started to shake as she laughed. Dianne roared uncontrollably. All the men were splitting their sides and the ladies shrieked. OMG how embarrassing!! I even thought I saw a manikin have a little giggle. The whole class was ruined for at least five minutes and Dianne was not able to resume her teaching without breaking into laughter yet again. Eventually she said she was going to include this in her future classes as an aid to make it more interesting. I quickly requested royalty payments which caused another universal laugh.

Anyway we all passed our course and three years later when I was required to renew my First Aid qualification I attended a refresher course, not run by Dianne, but I saw her and we had a good laugh about the event which caused such hilarity three years previous.

I am reminded that my certificate is about to expire but I do not think I shall renew it because my ambulance days are well and truly over. Oh! Happy memories! LOL

Eddie Inspires A Neighbour To Paint His House . . . . But He Catches His Roof Alight!

2011-10-12T00:39:00.007+01:00

This Painting and Decorating experience occurred during my first 'stint' at self employment in the 1980s, not long after my first job redundancy.

But first, thank you for your kind comments concerning The Sunday Roast - I suspect many more read my post than commented, which is a shame I think because I would welcome any feedback. I am very busy right now with an extensive revamp of my study, following a lot of other decorating and garden projects. Mrs Bluelights has an extremely long whip and an even longer 'do-list'. When sanity returns I intend writing to those kind volunteers who wish to help with the project and I shall write each of you soon. Also I will write to all 'roastees' currently in the oven and wondering when they will be 'cooked' or whether they will end up as burnt offerings.. Hopefully I can do this soon when all the on-going domestic projects are complete.

Now back to the Painting and Decorating project. I really enjoyed doing this one. I placed a small advertisement in our local paper and was invited to provide a quotation for painting this huge house - in dire need of extensive repairs and a face lift. The owner was a 'big wheel' in the electricity industry and to cut the story short a couple of weeks later I arrived at the site with my trusty ladder and equipment. Boy what a job it turned out to be!! Just look at that horrible load of rhubarb I had to deal with. I had already said that the gables should not be reached with a ladder because they were of plaster construction and there are tales of ladders going straight through the plaster and depositing unwitting painters into the attic. What a shock they must have had.

The owner, in his wisdom, obviously took what I said on board and thought he would be helpful. He arranged to have a scaffolding tower erected so I could reach the gables. Unfortunately, the window bay projected much too far and consequently the top platform was out of reach of the house. Plus, there was a very steep slope from the house into the road and the whole thing looked decidedly 'dodgy' - I did not wish to dive into the road accompanied by a scaffolding tower so I had to order some traditional scaffolding, which arrived the next day. As you can see there are two gables and I christened them Great Gable and Green Gable, after two mountains I have climbed in the Lake District. The woodwork and plasterwork required a lot of attention. It was hot for the three weeks I was there and it was at the height of the wasp season. Whole squadrons continually buzzed me all day long when I was high up on the scaffolding. More that one colony was flying in and out of the tile spaces to what must be at least two nests in the roof space. The plaster was pitted with little round holes and when I enquired of the owner what these might be he replied that his son regularly shot pigeons with his air rifle. His son was a long distance lorry driver and was due to return home in a few days. Here is another photo after I had repaired some woodwork and applied some primer to Great Gable. I had sealed the tiles with cement as well so the little blighters could not get in or out of the roof - eventually they 'buzzed off'.

The house was very interesting. Inside the area of the smaller gable was a beautiful music room with a fabulous stereo system and a huge grand piano which I was fortunate to play a few times. The owner liked Scott Joplin and I still have the tapes he let me copy and I was inspired to buy three Scott Joplin Ragtime music books. I still have a go at them sometimes today - all great fun.

Anyway, back to the story after that short digression. I was minding my own business, concentrating on my work and as happy as a sand boy when I looked up and saw some thick black smoke emanating from a house a hundred yards or so up the road. Then I heard the familiar sound of a fire engine, or was it two? By then the fire had taken a real hold and huge flames were leaping into the air from the roof. I could hear the crackle and pop of the fire and wondered how it had started. Fortunately the fire brigade managed to get the fire under control. I soon had my answer - the unfortunate owner apparently had been inspired by my efforts and he decided to go up his ladder with a blow lamp with the intention of stripping off flaking paint before painting the house himself. The felt caught fire immediately - what a plonker!! What had he between those two ears doing a 'daft' thing like that. Eventually all was quiet but I bet his Mrs was far from quiet for a long time.

Half way through repairing the plasterwork I arrived one morning to see some fresh air rifle pellets embedded in my work. It was that gun happy son shooting pigeons again. I blew a fuse and marched to see the owner who was very apologetic but remarked that his son was not quite normal - boy I do pick 'em don't I. I remember saying I hoped his son did not mistake me for a wood pigeon. It seems his father managed to prevent any further transgressions so I managed to finish the work on the scaffolding and move on to other areas. At that time I had not purchased my triple extension ladder and had to make do with a double which was not quite long enough for parts of the job. I remember building a platform using an old door to tackle the highest reaches of a side elevation. Eddie defies gravity yet again! I should have been spider man.

The whole job took me about three weeks because there was a lot of work at the back of the property and high up on the side elevations. Here is the finished job showing all the woodwork repaired and a glossy look on the new plasterwork. Notice the stonework was also painted after I had 'sealed' it first.

This story occurred over 30 years ago and I am sure the owner and his wife have departed to pastures new by now. I was interested to see recently that this same house was for sale and advertised in our local newspaper. I very much doubt whether my handy work would have lasted that long but it did look exactly the same as when I finished it. You never know - it may have lasted! Could it I wonder? Nay, it probably had been repainted two or three times I would think.

Fancy Helping Me To Save The Sunday Roast?

2011-09-30T19:52:00.019+01:00

Situations Vacant - The Sunday Roast Chief Exec requires Three Directors

Now you don't see plum jobs like these advertised very often, do you? So please read on and snap them up quick before these opportunities vanish for ever. It's a red hot chance for you to give folk a right royal roasting, just like you've always wanted to. Now I've had a bit of fun doing this post but actually I do require some help, be it large or small. It might appeal to someone out there who has some spare time on their hands, who likes to get their teeth into a project and have loads of fun along the way.
So here is my imaginary job advertisement:

Three Directors Urgently Required to save The Sunday Roast

The current Chief Executive is stepping down to Director level and therefore invites three willing and tireless bloggers to form a team, with him as a fourth equal partner, in order to keep this popular flagship column on track and alive. It is a top class column and it could become very popular.

Applications are welcome from anyone with at least one, or preferably several, of these highly desirable personal qualities:

They must have an outstanding sense of humour and be a bit cheeky

They must be slightly insane, just like Eddie
Must be a masochist and enjoy burning and turning people on the spit
They must have a vivid imagination
They must be witty and charming, just like the existing Chief Executive who is able to charm the birds out of the trees, of course
They must have the ability to extract information from their victims clinically and decisively
They must display a real hunger for running themselves into the ground for the good of the column
They must be capable of identifying, pursuing and relentlessly hunting down their prey when striving to find seemingly reluctant new 'roastees'
(They all end up loving it really but some at first pretend to be a bit shy)
They must be expert inquisitors/ torturers and never let their screaming quarry off the hook until the interview is safely received
They must be able to work well as team players
(Successful candidates will be invited to contribute to and discuss a Business Plan to re-launch the column)
Finally, they must not allow themselves to get despondent when they see few comments on their interview

In addition, it would be desirable for candidates to display willingness to:

Promote The Sunday Roast to the best of their ability throughout BlogLand using their proven Sales and Marketing experience

Suggest and implement new and more effective ways of spreading the good news of The Sunday Roast
(Like Twitter and Facebook etc.)

Successful applicants will be rewarded with this unbelievable remuneration package:

Salary: £0
Holiday Entitlement: Nil
Pension: Zero
Private Health and Accident Insurance: None
Company Car: None

Also wanted: an infinite number of Spies and Scouts
with the specific duty of finding and reporting new roasts. Must have a press-gang type personality to encourage/bully new roasts to participate. Successful applicants could easily grow into the job and become members of the Board of Directors.

.
Applications will be seriously considered for brave or foolhardy individuals who wish to make a solo friendly or hostile takeover of the column, seeing themselves as a White Knight in shining armour seated on a fiery steed.
(But take it from me folks, this job is too big for just one, I think)

My fee for transfer of all private equity and hand over of the feature lock, stock and barrel will be as follows, should your application be successful:

If you are a lady - a romantic candle-lit dinner for two at a venue of your choosing, provided you pick up the tab LOL

If you are a man - an unromantic, dinner for two at McDonald's in broad daylight. I'll buy you a hot dog

___________________________________________

Seriously folks I just cannot manage to keep it going by myself. I have done over 60 roasts since I took over from David. I am sorry it has all come to a halt - I really enjoyed doing it but I just have not the time anymore. I think it would be great fun if several of us teamed up and shared the work and in that way no one person would be under pressure to get the interviews out week after week. Come on then, step forward, advance and be recognised and let's get this thing on the road again. I have a few ideas as to how we can work together on this, and would invite suggestions from you.

Here is my email address:

eddiebluelights@gmail.com

Incidentally I do have some roasts in the oven but they surely must be incinerated by now - just like my cooking! LOL

I wonder if I may ask The Sunday Roast enthusiasts to display my advertisement somewhere in a prominent position on their blogs, perhaps you might consider it worthy of a special post - thank you.

For those who have not the foggiest idea what The Sunday Roast is please press HERE

I would be very interested to read your comments. Do you want to see it continued? Or do you think it has run it's course? I shall not be offended whatever the answer.

Six sent off following underpants row

2011-09-27T22:26:00.013+01:00

Get this folks!!

I had to laugh when I heard this story on our local radio station this morning, so I thought you might like a little giggle too. It concerns a youth football match and the almost unbelievable action by the referee when he sent off no less than five players for, wait for it, wearing the wrong coloured underpants. And, get this, the manager was sent off too! No wonder the team lost 6-0.
.

Here is full the story. Courtesy of The Bath Chronicle newspaper.

A youth game descended into farce after Bath City's youth team had five players and their manager sent off following a row about underpants.

Darren Adie, refereeing the contest against Newport County, contentiously ruled that some of the Bath team's underwear contravened the official rules.

The FA's rule 4 says "if thermal undershorts are worn, they are of the same main colour as the shorts."

Several players fell foul of the ruling, wearing white pants which were visible under the club's red shorts.

That said, the match was 20 minutes old before the issue came to a head.

Defender Billy Cooper was sent off first, with manager Billy Clark following for dissent at the decision, before Ciaran Rogers, Zemell Burton, Ben Bicknell and Lewis Pierre all saw red and were given their marching orders.

Despite that, the Bath Chronicle report that Bath City believe that even after the red cards, there were still players on the pitch on both sides who were technically in breach of the rules but remained on the pitch throughout.

Unsurprisingly, Bath City went on to lose the Youth Cup tie 6-0, with the first goal scored while two of their players were off the field, changing.

Bath City chairman Manda Rigby described the parents who saw the game as "distressed and angry," and said that referee Adie had locked himself in his room after the game. (spoil sport !)

‘"It was farcical - I have never seen anything like it before," she said.

‘"I was in total disbelief."

Bath managing director Paul Williams added: "It was all very surreal. I was angry with the officials.

"Every team has to submit a report about the officials to the FA. Let's just say ours is a very long report."

A spokesman for the FA said it was looking into the incident together with the Welsh FA, who supplied the match officials.

Newport County secretary Mike Everett, meanwhile, said he would not be making a similar complaint about the standard of refereeing. (I wonder why!) "I understand that the initial problem was regarding incorrect undergarments," he said. "The referee made his decisions. There's not a lot I can add." (He might have added, "Thanks ref for helping us to win 6-0")

* * * * * * * * *

Back to me:

Apparently, as I heard on the radio this morning, the team was issued with an away strip minus underpants and the players were expected to provide thermal underwear at their expense. Pity no-one told them which colour to buy - and wasn't the club stingy? Why did they not provide the full kit?

I cannot believe why the ref allowed this to happen. Why did he not inform the players before kick off and not after 20 minutes play? And why bother to do it anyway? It would not have affected play in the slightest.

It would serve the officials right if the team elected to play wearing no underpants and hope their modesty remained intact. I guess it would help them to maintain their modesty if they read my highly popular post, titled "How to remove your underpants without removing your trousers" . But this would in all probability be so exciting that everyone would want to try it, including the referee and the spectators, thus ruining the game further.

Let's hope their next game is not quite so PANTS!

Oh! and just in case you think the chap in the photo is me, like one commenter, who's name shall not be mentioned LOL, well even I would not admit to that LOL. Except, of course, I palyed rugby, not football LOL.

Eddie Drunk Under The Table By . . . . . A Priest and Mrs Bluelights Looks For A Large Hole In Which To Hide

2011-09-22T21:57:00.006+01:00

Have you ever wanted to just crawl into the nearest available hole to hide one's embarrassment? It happened to me and to Mrs Bluelights on separate occasions, courtesy of my dear son, then aged just 3. I step into my time machine and invite you to join me when I recall both events, occurring during my Painting and Decorating days.

I may have mentioned before that although I am not a Catholic I do attend Catholic masses with my family. There are slight differences in basic theological 'fundamentals' which prevent me from signing up, and so I could be described as Church of England, but more accurately a 'Non Dinominational' worshipper, if you get my drift. Anyway, my first story concerns our then local Catholic Priest who had been 'badgering' me for years to 'join the club' but could never understand why my reply was always that I am a member of the broader true 'invisible' church, free from all denominations.

One day we heard, to our dismay, that some youths, who I can only describe as 'Yobbos' had broken into the presbytery the previous evening and terrorised him for a few hours. They had forced the flimsy side door open and easily gained access. They gave him a torrid time but eventually they left and thankfully he was not physically harmed although he was very frightened and worried that they would return to repeat the ordeal. The police were not much use because they simply did not have the man power to constantly keep an eye on the place. I was asked to see what I could do to fortify the entrance to make it impossible for these thugs to regain entrance. I used fence posts inside the existing door and screwed them firmly into the walls, then I screwed sturdy timbers across the frame and I do believe that by the time I finished it the barricade was so strong it would almost stop a tank. The priest was not convinced, however, because after a week he was still worrying, so I was asked to see him again to reassure him that it was completely safe and no-one could get in. He told me that a reinforced wrought iron gate with bars at only 3 inch intervals was due to be fitted the next day and he said he would be completely at ease with that. I thought for a while and given that he was so distraught I suggested I stayed with him that night to keep him company and make him feel safer. He gladly took me up on my offer so I arrived at about 7.30pm and was greeted by a much relieved priest. We sat for a while and then the inevitable happened. He was an Irish Catholic Priest and in true form he produced a large bottle of whiskey which he proceeded to open and poured two generous glasses for us, remarking in 'a by the way' tone that there was water in the jug in case I wanted it, and during the whole course of the evening I never saw him pour any into his glass.

As one might expect the topic of conversation turned to religion. the saints, purgatory and other contentious issues. I did not mind in the slightest because I do study the Bible but remarked that their New Jerusalem version includes "The Apocrypha" which technically is not recognised in the Canon of Scripture at the various church counsels throughout church history. He appeared to enjoy the debate and smiled when I asked him what was the necessity of asking the saints to intervene for us and that I believed in going straight to the top and asking the "Top Man" personally, implying that anything else would suggest that God is not big enough to hear all our pleas and answer them all at once and why would he require a third party. Anyway we carried on like this until about 2am and had 'downed' many glasses between us, with me diluting my share with copious amounts of water and him having all of his neat, much to my amazement. The inevitable conclusion to the evening was that he drank me under the table and I remember remarking to him that if anyone came to trouble him now I would not be of much use. So we agreed to turn in which we did, with me in the guest room. By now my ears had a continuous humming sound from within and the room was spinning, not in a horizontal plane, but a vertical one and that my friends meant one thing, and one thing only - I was about to bring my boots up LOL. I stumbled to the bathroom - thanking God I remembered where it was - and sure enough my prediction was realised and through the haze I managed to congratulate myself on my marksmanship. I did not sleep a wink that night and had a thumping head, the like I had never before experienced. He on the other hand was a bright as a button at the crack of dawn and showed no signs of any hangover whatsoever. He offered me breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, fried bread, baked beans and then toast - all the things I would otherwise have relished, but today I could not even think of it without revisiting the bathroom. So I bade him goodbye and said I would return that evening to see if the new gate was to his satisfaction.

When I returned home, risking a possible drinking and driving charge I might add, Mrs Bluelights was truly amazed at my condition and equally amazed that 'Father' had actually got me into that state. All I could do, holding my head, was to lie down in complete oblivion to any vestige of life - oh for total darkness I longed! LOL. My son was 3 and he obviously heard some of the things Mrs Bluelights had said to me and that evening I made the serious error of taking him along with me to see the priest. Of course the innocent little lad blurted out as soon as we met, "Mummy said you gave Daddy far too much to drink last night!", to which he replied, "He should have used more water!". Oh! my! I did feel embarrassed but no harm was done because he liked the gate and next mass he mentioned there had been a Good Samaritan in our midst and without mentioning my name he thanked me publicly. As I reward he said mass for my Mother and Father who had both departed. I was highly amused by this but took him up on his kind offer.

Now for Mrs Bluelights' turn. A wealthy parishioner, whom I shall call Florinda, knew Mrs Bluelights is of Polish extraction. Florinda explained she had a special guest staying with her who was Polish and would Mrs Bluelights and the family care to join her for afternoon tea. I was working that day but Mrs Bluelights, our daughter and our son did attend but only after our 3 year old son was 'grilled' to be on his very best behaviour since Florinda was a very 'posh' lady. He was told before he said anything to anyone he must first say "Excuse me!" and we practised this with a high level of success before the day. So with confidence the three of them attended the afternoon tea party. The dear little lad was marvellous all afternoon. He was, and still is, a very friendly and social person and was very sensible for a lad of 3. It all went well until he spoke again to Florinda but this time said, "Excuse me!". She said, "Yes! He said, and this caused Mrs Bluelights to want to find a big hole to fall into, "Excuse me! You are not a posh lady at all - you are a very nice one!"

She roared and roared with laughter!! Oh how kids get you into trouble, don't they! He just loves this story now! Upon reflection it was an extremely nice thing for him to say. For a long time we had some fun with this in church - whenever we saw Florinda we said, "Excuse me!" in a little voice before we began a conversation.

I'm Over 30 Feet Up And My Ladder Is Slipping! OMG

2011-09-11T23:05:00.005+01:00

Here is my good old faithful triple extension ladder I used for my painting and decorating work. See the wheels at the top? If I wanted to hoist the ladder up further I would simply wheel it up the wall and in this way I could get it up very high without damaging the painting area. Over the years my arms and legs became very strong with moving the ladder all day long and climbing it endlessly - no wonder my hip wore out and well done the other one for surviving so long.

(Like the biceps? Now look, this is not a photoshop job either LOL)

I would never go up a ladder unless I knew it was completely safe and in later years I fitted special rubber swivel feet with a large surface area to give a lot of grip and stability. Loads of painters and window cleaners who saw it were interested and wanted a set and I sent a lot of chaps to the ladder shop to buy some. I was a bit slow there wasn't I? I should have asked the shop for some commission. I could have made a fortune.

(How's that for increased grip?)

In my early days before I fitted the swivel feet I was painting the walls of a large house with exterior brilliant white Weathershield. This house included a chimney, also requiring painting, and it's top was about 40 feet above the ground - Oh Lawdy Me! Another fine mess I got myself into LOL - might be easier walking on water. The back of the chimney was to be reached using my roof ladder. Here it is - now in my garage and not used for a few years and serving very nicely to help to store some of my junk.

Back to the job.

I had to carry this long roof ladder up my ladder and get the wheels onto the roof so I could push it up the tiles until it reached the top. Then I had to turn it over and pull it down the roof until I met resistance - it was now hooked over the tile ridge and ready for me to board. I had to make sure my ladder reached higher than the roof ladder so I could climb onto it from my ladder, carefully remembering which foot went where so I could do the reverse when I came down. We couldn't have me making a 999 call to the Fire Brigade to get me down, could we? Of course I couldn't anyway because this occurred long before we had mobile cell phones. Oh, yes, I had to carry some paint and a roller up as well and use a special bucket which hooked onto the normal ladder or roof ladder. It all sounds like a Buster Keaton movie doesn't it? Well, that was the plan. On this particular occasion I was addressing the outside of the chimney and I was about 35 feet up and my ladder was fully extended. It was a beautiful day, as I remember and I had just cut in all the top brush painting and was about to use the roller. I had my roller pole all ready and I happened to glance at the ladder wheels and got the shock of my life!! The wheels were slowly turning . . . . . . . . . and turning in a . . . . . . help! . . . . . . . in a downward direction. "OMG!" I said to myself, and I had not even got a parachute with me! I thought it could be either that the ladder was sinking or, worst case scenario, the base might be slipping outwards, away from the house. I was worried to say the least! I had to move very, very gently because I feared the latter was the case and if so the wheels would accelerate at a rate I would not appreciate, causing me to travel rapidly in a southerly direction. "Don't panic!", I said to myself. I left paint in the bucket on my ladder hook and ever so slowly I descended and got down safely. I was relieved to find the ladder had simply sunk about 6 inches into some soft ground, which actually could still have been dangerous. Fortunately both sides had sunk equally because if they had not the whole thing might have tipped sideways in which case, "Bye Bye Eddie! - hope you have a soft landing!". I suppose I should have realised before I went up the ladder it had been raining quite hard recently and the ground was quite soft. After a while I regained composure and found some wood planks which I put under the rungs to stop it slipping further. I jumped up and down on the bottom rung to test it and the ladder did not sink further so I ascended 'Jacob's Ladder' as I affectionately called my ladder and got on with the job, fortunately with no further mishaps.

The house in question was owned by a GP and his wife and my darling sister, Maggie May of Nuts In May, had recommended my services to them at her church. They had a rather interesting story because the gentleman some years previously had a serious back complaint and had visited a well known Christian Healer called Ian Andrews at a special healing service. Ian had prayed for healing and the doctor's back was healed but he did have the occasional twinge now and then. I had already at that time some interesting healing tapes by Ian Andrews and the doctor and I discussed these sometimes during various coffee breaks.

I suppose if Newton's Law had chosen to propel me quickly in a southerly direction Ian Andrews might have come to my rescue LOL. My, I've met some interesting characters, haven't I?

The Day They Raised The Roof

2011-08-29T02:26:00.007+01:00

I am still on the subject of Painting and Decorating, and will remain so for some time, because I have many stories, dredged from my cerebral hemispheres, which are well worth telling.

This story goes way back to my first sojourn with the trade; long before I met Chris. It was during the early 80s, 1982 to be precise, the year of The Falkland's War with Argentina, when unemployment here was rife, exceeding three million. Until recently I had been one of them after our company was unceremoniously closed due to cheap and nasty foreign imports. This was so typical of what was happening across our manufacturing industry and it was the beginning of the demise of many of UK's famous engineering names when company after company was closed down. Our government did not seem to mind too much and they tried to steer people into service industries which they thought was the answer to our future prosperity - the short sighted fools! We are still suffering today due to their total mismanagement of our faltering industry and economy. I had lost my job in middle management and frankly had given up on the job market front after 200 rejections. I remember getting so fed up with not even getting a single response to any of my applications I telephoned one company and said that since I had not received a reply from them I was assuming no news was good news and therefore I had got the job and what time would they like me to start working on Monday, 8.30 or perhaps 9.00am. They were highly embarrassed and I received a "No" letter the very next day, delivered by hand. Eventually I decided to work for myself - at least I could not make myself redundant, so I chose to work in something I enjoyed and in which I was very competent - I was always good at DIY and decided to try it. At the time people were very cruel about the unemployment situation, saying catty remarks like, "I know how to cure the three million unemployed - send them all to the Falklands!". I almost came to blows a few times with characters saying things like that because I understood what it was like to lose one's job, with a young wife and family, and I had, and still have, every sympathy for decent and honest folk losing their jobs through no fault of their own. Of course I have no sympathy for scroungers - that is different.

Anyway, enough of all that! I have a very amusing story for you and it centred on the owners of a local Post Office when they planned to move his elderly mother from her home in London to Bristol so they could look after her. The house they bought was just four houses up the road from the Post Office, the proprietors who owned and lived in accomodation over their shop. I imagine they had arranged the sale of his mother's house to finance her new house. I had placed a small advertisement in a local newspaper and a few days later and I was delighted to receive a phone call asking me if I would view a job and provide a quotation for painting and decoration the entire interior and all the external paintwork. It was a huge job and I quoted as requested and to add to the list they wanted also someone to paint the outside woodwork of the Post Office. I left them with the quotation and the next week they asked if I would mind sharing the work because they had a very tight time table and there was too much for one person to achieve the deadline. I did not mind at all so two weeks later I set off with my ladder and equipment - I was doing the external paintwork.

When I arrived I was amazed! There was a chap installing a kitchen and he seemed to be doing all the co-ordinating, if you could call it that. There was absolute chaos prevailing everywhere. Two guys were doing the internal painting and decorating and there was also an electrician and a plumber. We all seemed to get on OK but we did get in each other's way a lot - in fact on occasions we literally fell over each other. There was a huge clash between me and the internal painters because whenever I opened a sash window from the outside they moaned I had spoilt their paintwork and whenever I completed my painting of windows a grubby pair of hands invariably opened the window from the inside and ruined my work, particularly new putty work. Tempers flared on occasions and the kitchen fitter, being by far the worst culprit, constantly caused copious amounts of sawdust to fly from his work by the bucket load all over the internal decorators' new paintwork, causing them to utter long phrases in very strong language which was certainly not in "The Queen's English" and invariably punctuated with a generous supply of adjectives, not appearing in any recognised or authorised dictionary. His response was usually just two words illustrated by two fingers! which almost caused a serious fight on several occasions.

Prior to starting my self employment I was receiving unemployment benefit, known as 'being on the dole', but because I had started self employment work I signed off. During my visit I was amazed to see three people I knew queuing for their unemployment benefit (dole money) . . . . . and yes, you've guessed it, they were non other than our two internal painters AND the kitchen fitter. When they saw me they gestured me to 'keep mum' about it so they did not get into trouble. I duly obliged.

After a frustrating week all the upstairs work was done and I must say the chaps had made a lovely job of the internal decorations. I made good progress also and after a few more days we all had finished with the exception of the kitchen fitter who seemed to be making a big meal of the job.

But what should we see that very afternoon? A fellow called round to work in the roof and his job was to, you're not going to believe this, jack up the roof because it was sagging. Stone the timbers!!! What a time to do that!!! Who the hell arranged the work sequence - it was a disaster!! He went into the roof and jacked it up, inserting extra supports to straighten the sagging roof. It creaked and it groaned and outside we could actually see the ridge moving upwards. Surely this should have been done first!! We were all horrified, including the owners, because all the decorations were ruined 3 inches from ceiling down the walls and the ceilings and top of the walls were cracked. The owners 'did their nuts', as we say, because time was at a premium and his mother was due to move in early next week - it all had to be ready for her. We all put our heads together and came up with a solution and that was to add plaster coving to cover the damage and to repair the ceiling cracks. The decorators rubbed their hands with glee because they would earn extra money for the additional work and repairs. Adding the coving worked and it all looked fine a few days later. By now I was working at the Post Office but I popped round regularly to see how things were progressing. Once I arrived to see the mother's entrance to her new home. In my mind I was humming Handel's "The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba". We were all expecting to hear sounds of appreciation and see big smiles but . . . . . . instead she flew into a violent rage, saying she did not like the house, did not like the decorations, did not like the 'small' rooms, did not like the kitchen or the bathroom or the garden and she did not like any of us. She demanded to be taken back to her house in London. Methinks the lady did protest too much LOL. Hell certainly did not have fury like this woman's scorn. I felt really sorry for the Post Office proprietors.

I am not sure how it all panned out because that was our last day. I often wondered but never plucked up the courage to see the Post Office proprietor to ask him but I sometimes think about it and have a chuckle. I also often wonder what became of my dubious work colleagues whose names escape me after 29 years, and whether they were ever caught by the authorities for falsely claiming unemployment benefit, Shhh!.

I'd like to invite my wonderful followers and readers to a virtual Labor Day BBQ over at my dear friend, Karen G.'s blog. It starts now and will continue through the 3 day weekend. Why not visit and meet some new bloggers and get a bunch of new followers. Oh, and don't forget to take some BBQ treats along with you. Don't miss it!

Confused Stan Gets The Cheque Wrong . . . . and Wrong . . . . and Wrong

2011-08-23T23:28:00.004+01:00

Chris and I had been working for a dear old gentleman called Stan. He was in his early 90s and was very pleasant and loved our company, which he had for several days while we decorated his kitchen and hall. It was a complete paint and wall papering job and I hope it brightened up his life.

I remember Stan well because he loved discussing theology, which is an interest of mine, and although he went to church regularly he had difficulty fully believing the whole New Testament, let alone the Old Testament. He was searching for proof in secular fields and said he would be a full believer if he could find irrefutable evidence. I don't envy his job because I suspect none exist outside The Bible. As I write this short story, I do hope Stan found the answer to his doubts. Anyway, we completed the job, he was satisfied, and it was time for payment.

Chris and I were particularly lucky because in the 15 years we worked together we never once had a problem with a payment - they all paid 'on the nail', even the lottery winners. We presented the invoice to Stan and the amount was for £813. He pulled out his chequebook and wrote a cheque and, bless his heart, the amount was £8.13 LOL. We pointed out that although we were highly competitive we would soon starve. He roared with laughter when he saw his mistake and promptly wrote another cheque, this time for £8,130. Goodness!! our boat had really come in!!! We laughed and laughed and pointed out that this was extremely generous of him but we did not intend buting a villa in the Maldives this year or purchase a cabin cruiser. He roared with laughter again when we pointed out his mistake and promptly wrote out another cheque for £813 and handed it to us.

"Thank you, Stan", we said, "but hang on a minute, there is another mistake!" By now tears of laughter were rolling down our faces because we discovered he dated it with last year's date. "Oh! Lawdy me!" - poor chap!

He handed over the book and asked Chris to write it. With the correct amount and date we thanked him and bade him goodbye. And that was the last I saw of him but I heard six months later he had died.

We got quite close to several of our elderly customers and we were always sad when they departed, but I shall always remember Stan for his discussions and his cheques.

Working For Some Strange Lottery Winners

2011-08-15T00:14:00.005+01:00

Yes, you read correctly! Chris and I once worked for a very weird couple who had the good fortune to win £5.7 million. Let us call them Mr and Mrs Y, partly because I keep asking myself, "Why oh why of all people did fate dictate these two should win? This was a huge win 15 years ago and the trouble was that this couple were completely incapable of dealing with it. Prior to their new found wealth they had both worked as cleaners for a large factory and they were so hard up they actually borrowed money from a friend to pay their gas bill. Then suddenly, whoosh! . . . . a cool £5.7 million. They actually bought the friend a small flat in gratitude and at least I give them credit for this rather rare act of decency.

Whereas most of us would try to avoid making a complete lifestyle change if we were fortunate to win a large sum of money, these two went out of their way to change every single facet of their lives, almost immediately. The first thing they did was to buy a top of range Mercedes car but since neither could drive they persuaded her brother to chuck in his good full time job so he could be their full time chauffeur. The silly man accepted and today lives to regret this decision. He was bored to tears for most of the day because he was not required to drive them often and there are only so many times you can clean and valet the car. So he just stood around for most of the time, awaiting instructions - poor thing.

After a few false housing starts where they always succeeded in upsetting neighbours with their unreasonable behaviour, they bought a big isolated house - much too big - there were only two of them in a 20 bedroom house which we thought was ridiculous. Imagine it! All the family grown up! Grandchildren grown up! No friends! No parties! They were incapable of entertaining guests! Just them there and all alone in this huge house. Then they proceeded to have the whole thing decorated, a new roof, new wooden windows throughout, extensive garden alterations and installation of a gymnasium, which they never used. They chose to renew the roof during the winter and, surprise, surprise, rain water came flooding inside, ruining existing plaster coving and decorations to this lovely grade two listed building. Then we noticed that a taxi proprietor was actually commissioned to replace the roof. They also employed a gardener to cut down thirty beautiful trees, once providing an elegant lining to both sides of their drive. They had two tennis courts, never used, and their total interest in the garden appeared to be starting a vegetable garden, growing runner beans, peas and potatoes. We had to laugh because these vegetables are so cheap in supermarkets that even I don't bother to grow anything these days. They had a wonderful opportunity to do something interesting to develop their lives, like learning to drive and attending courses which might later provide interesting hobbies and some purpose in their lives, and perhaps to use their wealth to help people. I, for example, would learn to fly small propeller aircraft and perhaps get involved in a gliding club, and get involved in charity work. Instead they seemed totally preoccupied with security even though there was a large electrically operated wrought iron gate as the only way in. How on earth are the unsavoury characters suppose to get in? Grappling hooks! Parachutes! . . . . and how do they imagine they are going to get out with all their tatty belongings, even if they had any commercial value? There were CT cameras all over the place - blooming heck, the place was surrounded by a 20ft high stone wall. Who needs all that security? We were once totally baffled at the response we got from Mr Y when we knocked on the back door. We were greeted with a raised clenched fist about to strike us - perhaps he thought we were burglars and perhaps he requires the services of SpecSavers. He displayed equally totally weird behaviour many times and it was difficult to get any reasonable conversation out of any of them, except the brother.

Mr and Mrs Y were virtual prisoners inside their own home and their 20 acres of land. They had absolutely no sense of humour and he rapidly became addicted to horse racing and started telephone betting to the bookies, heavily. He began losing large amounts of money - one afternoon he lost £250,000, would you believe? £250,000! my word, that could help a few people, couldn't it? This betting we thought was very paradoxical because during our first meeting with them they openly stated they intended never to help any of their grown up children financially - none of them got a single penny. Truly amazing! They fell out with the bank, then another bank. Then they fell out with the roofer/taxi entrepreneur. Then the cleaners, then the gardeners . . . . . . an so on. Not very nice people and they preferred to lose money on horses rather than help their own kids. The mind boggles.

Chris and I were invited to quote for the decorative work plus painting the new wooden windows. This was a large job and we had to re-schedule some of our regular work to accommodate it. Our first project was to decorate the 'Wedgewood Room' - they had some plaster Wedgwood designs on the walls and we were to paint the rest of the room. Honestly it looked dreadful! Not our painting, but the overall effect which looked sheer tat. Next was the 'Italian Room', of equal ill taste and providing a very cheap and nasty effect. And so we worked gradually through the rooms and then started the windows.

They did go abroad for a week and brought back some statues for the garden - all utter tat! Who wants Grecian gods and goddesses in their garden? First, there was the armless Aphrodite showing all she had, except her arms. Funny this Grecian female is always denied arms - anyone know why? Then they had Apollo in all his glory, including arms and showing us his 'credentials'. Here he is, just like the statue they bought.

One evening Chris and I played a little joke. We placed a breathing mask over Apollo's important little place. Well we didn't want to see the cats embarrassed. did we? The mask fitted perfectly! Next morning we were greeted by two stony faces - obviously not amused. Honestly, these two had no sense of humour whatsoever. From that day on their attitude was cool towards us and things cooled further when they asked us if we could devote a year to them to decorate the entire house. We had to decline because we pointed out to them we had other customers and work was already scheduled. We explained we could not risk losing our existing customers but could return when we were free and do their work in stages. They did not like it and cooled off completely. We walked away after completing the next phase. It was the same with the builder - they wanted to take him over too but he declined and left quickly.

What became of them? A carpet fitter friend we know said they have separated - he has gambled away ALL his share and lives in a house in which we would not want to live - in total squalor. She has moved three times after selling the mansion, each time upsetting neighbours. Now in my book these people were privilaged individuals to have been awarded so much money - they had a duty and a responsibility to themselves and to others to make the most of it, and they blew it! - in more ways than one. They could have helped a few people and their children and they didn't! I think when they end up 'upstairs' they may face questions about this.

And what about the brother/chauffeur? Poor chap lost his job and he could not return to it - we are not sure what happened to him. We liked him and do hope he managed to repair his life.

What strange people we met during our Painting and Decorating days - and I have some more for you..

Eddie, Help! I'm Stuck! There's No Toilet Paper!!

2011-08-07T17:56:00.005+01:00

With a title like this - it can only be a continuation of my Painting and Decorating experiences. The gentleman uttering these panic stricken-words, "Eddie, help! I'm stuck! There's no toilet paper!" was Fred, who is a very large man who sometimes used to help Chris and I with our decorating jobs. I have no photo of him so I am using this elephant because:
a) It is large like him.
b) He is keeping his trunk crossed that Eddie can find him some toilet paper.
c) An elephant never forgets so it is to remind us always to have sufficient toilet paper with us at all times so we don't make an ass of ourselves.

Fred is a retired British Rail engineer and he loved being with us on our decorating ventures. He loved the work, the comradeship, the leg pulling and general excitement - he got a real buzz from it all. He was extremely enthusiastic with a brush and a roller, so much so we could let him loose on just a few jobs where the resultant mess on the floor was not too much of an issue, being at pre-carpeting stage. He went at his work with such gusto that paint was sprayed everywhere in addition to the surface on which he was working. His hair, face and work clothes were rapidly covered, in whatever paint he was using, invariably brilliant white ceiling paint, and he very often looked like we had somehow used him as a brush because his hair stood on end, saturated in paint, often resembling a toilet brush. I have never seen a paint roller move so fast over the ceiling and whereas Chris and I always loaded the roller with paint to apply a thick coat of emulsion with a slow and deliberate roller action, Fred's technique was something to behold. He loaded the roller from the tray, lifted the dripping roller to the ceiling and rapidly whizzed the roller squeezing it hard and covering the same area time and time again so very little paint actually stuck to the ceiling, yet paint was sprayed in copious amounts everywhere else. He was rapidly covered from head to toe. He then waited for the paint to dry (but not long enough) and proceeded to apply a second coat with equal abandon. We did not have the heart to 'have a go at him' but explained our technique to him time and time again with little or no apparent success. On one occasion he made a very good job applying a coat of coloured acrylic eggshell to a bathroom wall and when we complimented him on his success he immediately got his roller out and went hell for leather over the same wall and promptly ruined it.

Anyway on this occasion Fred was helping us to prepare some flats for a good customer of mine and Chris and I were a bit pushed so we asked Fred for some assistance. It was late, Chris had gone home, and Fred and I were just finishing something off before Fred 'took short' and headed off to the toilet. After a while I heard a rather embarrassed voice saying, "Eddie, I'm in a spot of bother here! There is no toilet paper! Can you find any out there?". It is on such occasions that if anyone says that to us we acquire a sudden sense of superiority LOL. They are completely at our mercy - I am sure we have all been in that situation. I replied, smiling to myself, "Sorry Fred, looks as though you're in trouble in there 'cause there is nothing out here and the shops are all shut and we are miles from anywhere!". "God, what do I do?", grumbled Fred. I said I would have a good look round and after a while I shouted. "I have some good news and some bad news! First the good news, I have found some newspapers. Would you like 'The Financial Times' or 'The Guardian'" "I don't care! Either, Eddie, pass them both and what's the bad news?" "The print is smudged on both and there's not much of it!". Anyway I handed them through the door and left him to it. He seemed slightly irritated when I asked him if he'd managed to do the crossword - then I heard a rustling of paper. Smiling to myself, after a few minutes I heard some swearing, culminating with Fred complaining, "Hell! my finger's gone through and there's print everywhere!". "Hang on a minute!" I said, trying not to laugh, "I'll have another look . . . . . wait I've found something else! Yes, I have some good news and some bad news for you! First the good news. I've found some wallpaper. Now the bad news, it's ready pasted!". "Oh Hell!"

That did the trick, eventually, as a temporary measure I would imagine.
Anyway the moral of the story was that from that day onwards we always made sure we had a couple of rolls with us at all times.

Fred was, and is, a great character and I shall be recalling some other funny experiences when we shared his delightful company.

An Unlikely Cure For Sciatica - Falling Out Of A Skip

2011-07-27T23:10:00.006+01:00

I had been suffering from sciatica for years. The pain, emanating from my lower back and travelling down my right leg, invariably occurred when I mowed the lawn. It must have been something to do with the way I stood and bent slightly. Sometimes the pain was severe and sometimes it was not there at all.

I am continuing my stories of my painting and decorating days. My first two stories described two very unusual and weird characters and I am pleased they seem to have amused you. Last week I said I would write about my first encounter with Miss C. I will do so next time but to have a break from her today another amusing story springs to mind.

Chris and I were asked to remove a large hedge and erect a fence. We were 'Jacks Of All Trades' so we did not mind doing something a little different from Painting and Decorating. In fact the previous year for these customers we converted a flat garage roof to a pitched tiled roof. Our customers were delighted with the roof, I am pleased to say.

This time we had to remove a large amount of vegetation so we hired a large skip and because their house was at the end of a Cull-De-Sac we asked the driver to unload the skip right at the end as near to the pavement as possible. The problem was that there was rampant vegetation from another overgrown hedge in 'no-man's land' and this almost obliterated our view of the curb. Looking closer through the vegetation the skip was about a foot from the curb which was OK so it was unloaded there.

That's my boy!! Park it by the bushes at the end of the Cull-De-Sac.

(Actually our skip was much bigger than this one.)

Hey, and Mr Skip! Listen! Whatever you do, don't do this!!!

Chris and I started work and the hedge was soon half demolished and we started to load the skip. We had to condense the branches as much as possible thus making the most of the volume available to us, and we did this by climbing into the skip and jumping up and down on the hedge cuttings. Things were proceeding quite nicely - we managed to compress the branches a lot, so it looked as though we would get it all in the skip.

Then the daughter arrived in her RAVA car, an expensive 4x4, and boy, she was 'Rava' nice herself - I suppose she might have been about 30 and both Chris and I could tell she 'turned heads' LOL. Like her car we had imagined she might be rather expensive 'to run' and we imagined she would not be satisfied with half a pint of chandy. We had met Mrs Lush, as I shall call her, several times and she always made us a nice cup of tea. Well on this occasion I was distracted because I was having a 'little peep' at her while I was jumping up and down, and boy, I was suddenly aware that it was taking much longer than I expected to make contact with the hedge cuttings. I was then aware of falling into a hedge and making a hard landing on the pavement curb stone. I had landed on my coccyx with a resounding "bump". Newton's Law can be quite unkind sometimes, paticularly since I am a fairly big chap and weigh about 15 stones (210 lbs). I know, I know, I should be on a diet but it is all these wonderful foodie blogs I visit - I stand no chance! Anyway, back to the story, I was aware of the daughter shouting to Chris with concern in her voice, "Quick Chris, Eddie's disappeared into the bushes and suddenly vanished! He was jumping up and down in the skip and now he's gone!" (I'm roaring with laughter as I write this - she must have thought I was a complete 'nutter'. LOL). "Get on with the story, Eddie!" "ok"

Surprisingly I did not feel too bad, considering I must have fallen at least 3-4 feet and landed very hard on my . . . er . . . . posterior. Really I should by rights have sustained a nasty injury, but I was extremely lucky. Chris and the mother rushed over to investigate where I was - they could not see me at this stage!! Eventually they found me and asked if I was alright. I could move my legs, I felt a bit bruised but managed to crawl out sideways on my hands and knees. The mother said, "You look as though you have been pulled through a hedge backwards!" and, being a qualified nurse, she insisted I pulled my trousers down so she could see the extent of my injuries. She pronounced that I had a few cuts, which she cleaned and plastered. I was bruised as well but fortunately managed to stand up and walk about normally. She asked me what had happened and, laughing, I said I was admiring her daughter and missed the front of the skip and landed on my backside! "That will learn you!", she said, wagging her finger at me. We were all laughing our heads of, including Mrs Lush when she found out I was OK and promptly made me a cup of tea. I said, "Thank you! The lengths I have to go to to get a cup of tea!" She fell about laughing when she learned the full extent of the story and then. . . . she winked at me!

Well, this will confound all medical theory because from that day to this I have NEVER had a re-occurrence of sciatica. I guess I was lucky - it must have knocked something back in place thus relieving compression on the sciatic nerve - a sort of mega chiropractor treatment. I think I might have got the injury years before when I was cross country running. I jumped over a gate but my leading right foot caught the top and I crashed to the ground. The jarring might have knocked something out of place. However, I would not recommend going to all these lengths of falling out of a skip as a cure LOL.

Next time we return to our first encounter with Miss C.

Decorating For A Very Weird Miss - Have To Read It To Believe It

2011-07-19T23:33:00.009+01:00

I haven't got a photo of me 'tearing my hair out', which would be entirely appropriate for this post, so I am using this to illustrate my Painting and Decorating stories. I am working on the photo LOL.

Welcome to part two of Down Memory Lane.
Last time I started recalling some of my hilarious Painting and Decorating experiences. Very frustrating at the time but they always get a laugh and Chris and I shall always remember them. Last week we met a very weird regional bank manager who was seeking perfection in this very imperfect world. Since that post a flood of other experiences have surfaced from my aging memory banks of my cerebellum, so I thought I had better chronicle them before I lose many more grey matter cells. For those who missed last week if you want a laugh have a look see, but come back to this after because this character is something else. LOL

This time I am introducing a lady who was in her mid 70s when we worked for her on three occasions. She is a rather small and fragile lady, very intelligent and she possesses some very strange mannerisms. She speaks with a very pronounced and rather posh British accent, so you can imagine what she sounds like when you get to the dialogue. She was a typical boffin and worked for some sort of government office and had a very good job we imagined plus a good pension. She is still alive and I see her sometimes in my local travels but I always try to avoid her if I can because, boy, she just talks the hind legs off a donkey and once she 'grabs' you it is VERY difficult to get away from her. I suppose she must be 85 now. I shall call her Miss C. She is a spinster and a retired scientific geographer . . . . . and she is absolutely weird . . . . it is totally understandable why she was and always has been . . . . a Miss. She is quite a character and deserves two posts I think. First, I am recalling our last job Chris and I did for her about 10 years ago. I shall post our first encounter next time.

By this time we knew Miss C quite well and were used to her rather strange behaviour. This time our objective was to decorate her lounge/diner and, boy, what a logistics operation that turned out to be. Our initial brief was to paint her windows, comprising two outward openers and a vent opener with the specific request NOT to open the windows and to use paint which had no odour whatsoever, since her sinuses might be affected adversely. LOL. I looked at Chris and we tried hard not to laugh. I said this might present a problem because not all the window surfaces would be painted if we did as she asked. She replied that she NEVER opened the windows since she did not like fresh air as it adversely affected her lungs and it would be OK if we painted round the surfaces. Chris said the windows might become stuck if we did that to which she replied that this did not matter as they would NEVER be opened again. We told her that modern day paints were relatively odour free and we usually did an undercoat and a top coat. "Oh don't do that!", she said, "I could not bear the smell of paint for two days instead of one! Wait until I go out to the shops and could one of you paint using one coat gloss while the other follows with my hair drier to make it dry quicker?" We knew from past experience it was futile to argue with her and much as we detested using that awful one coat gloss paint since it is absolutely no good at all, we agreed. The net curtains were dreadful. I think they had been there unwashed since she moved in sometime during the1970s.

Now to part 2 of the brief!! She requested that since there was so many books and belongings in both rooms, could we decorate in two halves so it would be easier to move things about. We had to wallpaper as well as paint the woodwork and we could see it was going to be a logistical nightmare. We looked around and thought, what a load of junk!! In fact there were books and scientific papers scattered all over the place, including a huge print out of raw data she used for her Ph.D in the 60's. This was dated from the early days of main frame computers. Boy, it was still there on the floor, two foot high and gathering dust. I bet she never even looks at it.

We started in the dining area and managed to clear all the books and the dust was dreadful. We thoroughly cleaned everything and washed it all down and when it had dried we started rubbing down the woodwork, as we normally do, to provide a good 'key' for the paint. "What ARE you doing? You are creating loads of dust which is affecting my sinuses!". We answered that we were just giving it a light rub down and we would vacuum it as soon as we have finished. "Kindly STOP this NOW! I cannot breathe!". I pointed out that we had dealt with a vast amount of dust when cleaning the books and book case. "That is different!", she said, "that is MY dust which is OK but I cannot tolerate YOUR dust!".

I whispered to Chris, "Boy, what the hell have we got here!"
He said, "Put the kettle on Miss C and while you are doing it we shall vacuum up and the dust will be gone."

"Boy, what the heck do we do now?" we thought.

We asked her if she had any shopping to do and she said, "Yes". We said, "Why don't you do it NOW so we can get this over and done with?" She said, "Yes, on the proviso that one of you uses my hair drier to make that invasive odour dry more quickly! It is repugnant and irritating to my eyes, nose and throat. I shall have to dose myself with throat lozenges."

"Should I open the window to let some more air in? That might dilute the smell for you . . . . and while we are at it we could paint all the window surfaces for you! They should be dry by morning!", I said.

"I am declining your suggestion on two counts", she replied, " First there would be a security problem with windows being open all night, and second as I mentioned before I do not like fresh air!"

"But you have been outside sitting in it for 2 hours this afternoon", I said, "Remember, you actually returned to say you felt better!"

"Now look - I like fresh air when I want and I also dislike fresh air when I want - kindly acceded to my wishes and directives!"

We thought, "Why doesn't she talk properly?" . . . . and, "Which century does she spring from?". . . . . but I still managed to reply, "Yes Miss C. We shall always strive to acquiesce!" (There! I know a few big words too! you silly bovine creature! LOL)

All through the job it was like banging our heads against a brick wall. This type of conversation continued, on and off, for days and the job actually took us three times as long as it should have to complete. She wasn't cantankerous all the time, but she did waste a lot of our time as well because she just loved debating issues of the day, particularly scientific ones, and several times she kept us from our work for hours. Honest we thought sometimes it would be quicker to read "The decline and fall of the Roman Empire" than to have coffee with her. She invited us to call her Hilary, which we did, but we had to be firm with her a few times about getting back to work. Deep down she was quite a likeable person who always said she wanted to be invited onto the captain's table when she was on her twice yearly Mediterranean Cruises. She never succeeded - I wonder why.

All things considered we were very pleased when the job was finished . . . . and yes, the windows were painted with the windows shut! Oh! who cares!! I am sure no-one will ever know! A new inhabitant would have them 'whipped out' and fit new UPVc double glazed replacements - hopefully buying through me! Yes, I am an agent for a local company.

I'll explain some more of her funny antics and hang ups next time.

Down Memory Lane - My Painting and Decorating Days

2011-07-15T22:21:00.002+01:00

Hi folks!!

A typical balancing act on a ladder!!

I ran my own Painting & Decorating business for 15 years and met quite a number of weird customers and consequently I have some funny stories. I keep saying I will chronicle some Ambulance stories from my later experiences . . . . and I will! . . . . but these will follow later. Talking about following, I welcome all my new followers from various Blog Hops . . . and of course I also welcome my existing friends. Talking of friends I stumbled on a very funny door mat when I was delivering my son's papers the other day - he sometimes is not able to do it!! . . . or won't LOL. The doormat said, well it didn't actually say it, but it read,

Friends always welcome. Relations by appointment only

Well, it has a ring of truth in it, doesn't it? But Eddie, you might be thinking, stop digressing and get on with the story!!!!

OK. I worked with my friend Chris for the 15 years, on most jobs and on this particular occasion we started working for a Regional Bank Manager (Did I hear some "Boooos"?). This job was a recommendation by a humble Branch Manager, one of his subordinates, who was highly pleased with the work we did for him and his wife. Mr X, as I shall call him, was something else. (Funny all Mr X's seem a bit weird in my experience.) Anyway, the job was to decorate his landing, hall and stairwell, plus his front room. He took us to one side right at the start and said he expected perfection and rarely got it, and would we guarantee that he would be 100% satisfied.. A bit of a tall order we thought but we suggested he would be pleased because we worked to a high standard. He said, "Come and look at this!", and highlighted a new wooden conservatory which he had recent had installed. He said he was very dissatisfied with the installation and pointed at a roof beam, remarking that the joints were not very good and that he could see two pieces of wood instead of one. I looked at Chris and he raised his eyebrows in unison with mine. I could not help replying that there were actually two pieces of wood in that joint and it looked perfect to me. Chris nodded in agreement. Disgruntled he said, "Well, it's not good enough!".

Anyway we proceeded to decorate the landing and he seemed satisfied with the standard of our preparation of the woodwork, the undercoating and gloss work, which took us a couple of days.

Next day we started papering and completed the first two quite complicated drops, involving ladders and scaffolding planks. Guess who worked aloft? You've got it! We heard him cough behind us and he said, "Oh! dear, oh! dear, that will not do at all!".

We asked why.

He replied that he could see the join in the paper. Now we are pretty good wallpaper hangers and it looked OK to us but we obliged by adjusting it slightly. Fortunately we were able to slide one drop a little to the left - ever so slightly and carefully.

"I suppose that had better do!", he said, and seemed reluctantly satisfied with the remainder of our wall papering.

When we got to the lounge we had a lot of problems with him criticising our papering. Honestly, it was a good job but this "psycho" seemed to belong on a different planet. The fireplace wall was large, 30 feet by 8 feet high. He said, "There are joins in the paper and I expected not to see any! I wanted to see the pattern uninterrupted across the entire wall!".

I said the wall is very large and unfortunately we were unable to find ONE piece of paper large enough to do the entire wall . . . . and had we been able to, how did he suggest we might paste it and hang it!".

"Well, I want perfection! I have a new house and what do I find? No-one can do their job properly! The plasterers made a real mess of things because some cracks appeared in the wall when it dried out. Those idiots installing the conservatory were totally incompetent and . . . . . now you seem incapable of hanging paper to my satisfaction. I expect perfection!"

I said, "Now look Mr X, I am afraid you will not get perfection this side of the grave . . . . . but please rest assured the standard of our work is exceptional and that is why we obtain so many recommendations from satisfied customers."

This seemed to rock him a bit and he made a beeline for Chris and said, "You are not upset are you? I hope not . . . . . look into my eyes . . . . . look into my eyes . . . . . oh! I can see you are upset! . . . look into my eyes!"

The "weirdo", we thought in unison and tried hard to stop laughing. We imagined him making people redundant at the bank and saying, "You are not upset are you? . . . . . look into my eyes! . . . look into my eyes"". In fact if he wore a glass eye we might be tempted to look into that because, as the old bank manager jokes say, there may be a modicum of humanity in that one, unlike his natural one.

Anyway, eventually he seemed fairly pleased with it. His wife was delighted and said to us when he was out, "Take no notice of him, he is a silly old fart! He just loves to pick fault. It makes him happy!"

He paid us on the dot but we were very relieved to have him out of our hair. We have never forgotten this experience and still have a laugh about it . . . . . often we say, "Look into my eyes! . . . you are not upset are you?".

Blood Donation No 92!! Phew

2011-07-07T22:43:00.004+01:00

It was time for me to visit Dracula's Castle again, as I do three times a year - this time for my 92nd blood donation. I always say, "If I make 100 then I will have a transfusion for a change."

Up to that point the day had been quite uneventful - nothing to inspire a chapter in one's memoirs and I did all the preliminary things like answering the usual questions like, "If you are a man have you ever had sex with a man with or without a condom!" This question always elicits the same response of sheer revulsion every time I answer it, along with similar questions. I can think of nothing in the whole universe I would hate to do more than this . . . but we all know the National Blood Transfusion Service have to ask these questions because of the tight controls necessary on HIV and trying to prevent spread of AIDS. Similarly the questionnaire asked if I have ever had, or am descended from anyone who suffered from, CJD or "Mad Cow's Decease". This unfortunate disease was rife 15 or so years ago in UK and for a while no-one dared eat beef.. The French in particular boycotted all our meat, including Lamb for ages and it affected our entire economy for years. Quite a number of unfortunate people contracted the decease which is not at all pleasant and invariably fatal. Anyway, with me declaring a definite no to all of these questions I was summoned into a room for an interview with a nurse who went through the questionnaire and proceeded to test my blood by pricking it with a needle and squeezing a drop into a green solution designed to test the iron content of my blood. I have had only one failure during my donating life when the globulule floated but this time I watched it sink quite quickly to the bottom. "OK! you're fine to donate!".

Another nurse escorted me to the donating area and I lay on the bed awaiting Count Dracula. He was not there but the countess in the disguise of a doctor prepared my left arm for the dreaded needle after applying blood pressure to my upper arm. When the needle is inserted in a vein it sometimes hurts a little, but more often than not all I ever experience is just a bit more than a prick. Some of my friends, all strapping great chaps, are terrified of needles, and have not the courage to come with me to donate blood. Anyway on this particular occasion she was very gentle with me - all I experienced was a slight prick and I said, "You can do it next time!", which elicited a smile.

Prior to this something new happened. I was handed a card advising that to assist blood flow during donation it is recommended that we should crimp our buttocks on and off for the entire period. I laughed myself silly at this and so did the nurse who said it always caused amusement. As a joke I proceeded to ask, "Which ones, Gluteus Maximus, Gletueus Medius or Gluteus Minimus?" and continued that I had not the foggiest idea how to voluntarily control either of them!". She howled with laughter. Oh dear, Eddie strike again! She said "Forget it, just pump your hand as normal!".

During the donation I noticed a lady next to me and a gent on the other side, all donating. She looked at me and laughed and asked, "Forgive me for asking but I am wondering, can you do it? "No, haven't a clue!", I said and laughed out loud. "Neither can I, but I'm trying", said the chap in the next bed and he must have tried too hard because he promptly broke wind. We were in hysterics. The nurse remarked that she regretted the day that this ridiculous card was issued as it invariably was responsible for causing a great deal of embarrassment. I can see her point. Oh well, I suppose it gave us something to laugh about . . . . and material for my blog. As a parting shot I did ask her if there was anything else I should practice before my next donation. Good job she had a good sense of humour.

Normality returned, the donation was completed and a nice cup of hot coffee and biscuits were my reward. I do it all again in September. Until then, my friends at the transfusion service. You all do a great job.

Oh and by the way . . . . . can ayone out there do it?

"Do what?"

"Err . . . . . you hnow!" LOL

How To Fix UK's Economy In One Hit

2011-06-22T21:20:00.007+01:00

Like the make-over and green rinse? LOL

Now this is a series of Wizard ideas on how to revive our flagging economy here in the UK and I suspect elsewhere. I received an email recently which forms the basis of this post but of course I have added other things, as I usually do. LOL Please let us ALL write to the Prime Minister to try to knock some sense into Government Policy.

Ok -here we go!

Dear British Prime Minister

Please find below our suggestions for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses instead of actually lending it to industry and would be home owners, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire..
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their grand kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

With all those savings you can afford to pay £500K to those dear, poor retired people currently struggling on a mean and meagre state pension which you greedy so and sos tax. This will in turn stimulate spending and assist greatly in reviving the economy. However, if more money is needed to finance this, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Stop ALL immigration immediately.

With our revived economy now flourishing stop ALL manufactured imports and start new manufacturing industries throughout UK and then we can start Exporting again and reduce our crippling balance of payments.

Leave Europe immediately and stand alone like Switzerland. They are doing very nicely thank you! Europe stinks! If you must link with someone declare war on USA and surrender next day and become the 51st State. Believe me! they love us, especially me, our history, our humour (or humor), the way we talk . . . . and petrol will come down in price from 137p per litre (over £5 per US Gallon) . . . . . golly there would be riots if they had to pay that!!

Stop immediately ALL Globalisation!! It holds every country down!! Let successful countries excel.
Also, Prime Minister………..

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Folks, if you think these ideas would work, please forward to everyone you know.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

They Cut My Phone Off AGAIN

2011-06-16T00:05:00.004+01:00

"No Eddie! That will not get the phone working!"

This account of utter incompetence by our late service provider, TALK TALK, follows my previous post which describes our total inability to receive any call for an unacceptable period. This time round we could just about make feeble outgoing calls due to a line fault. My account of all this shows just how difficult it was to 'galvanise' these folk to restore our service. It took 3 days to get it fixed.

Mrs Bluelights and I enjoyed our fully working phone and internet service for just ONE DAY. The following morning I picked up the phone hoping to make a call and it was completely DEAD. We were cut off from all phone conversations AND of course all internet communication was now impossible.

From our front window I could see the cause of the problem. Workmen had been digging up the pavement, YET AGAIN, but this time further up the road. There was no-one there - just a big hole cordoned off and in the hole I saw all the telephone cables and a large supply of chippings were ready to bury them. The company responsible for this was OPEN REACH who are contracted to repair and install telephone lines for both BT and TALK TALK. As mentioned before TALK TALK use BT lines for their service. I enquired of a few neighbours asking them if their phones were working and they all said yes and the neighbour living alongside the hole said they had just had a business line installed which was working. From the OPEN REACH sign I obtained a telephone number. I rang the number on my mobile and I was pleased to hear a human voice immediately. I reported that due to work by their engineers my line had been cut and I would like it restored. The lady said rudely, "Nothing to do with us!" and she said it was not possible for me to report the fault to them and I should do so to BT. I felt like saying it had everything to do with you, you silly bovine creature but I asked her for a BT telephone contact number so I could report the fault so they could come back and fix it. "Sorry, I do not have a number please look in your local telephone directory!"

At home and already fuming I tried in vain to reach BT line faults through their menu driven automated voice system and the annoying part was that the 0800 freephone service from a land line was not available to any mobile user, so this was a very expensive call. The automated lady kept apologising that they were very busy, my call meant a lot to them, my call was in a queue and they would deal with it as soon as they could. Ten minutes later I was still in the queue and getting very frustrated. This fruitless call cost me £10. Mrs Bluelights advised I had better give up for the night because I was showing tell tale signs of blowing a fuse.

I left a note in a prominent position the hole hoping it would be found and read by those morons who had cut my phone line explaining that my line was cut and would they please investigate and restore it. Some hope!!! The note was protected by a clear plastic wallet. The next morning the hole had been filled and my note buried for ever, perhaps to be discovered by a future archaeologist investigating a series of rude notes found regularly relating to similar circumstances.

Next morning, armed with all the TALK TALK telephone numbers, I made my way to my daughter's house where I am doing some restoration and decorating work and sat down to use her telephone to report the matter to TALK TALK. The call was an 0800 number which is free of charge to land line users. After a whole series of automated menu driven and highly annoying choices I was cut off after being thanked for calling TALK TALK by this female android voice. Fuming, I rang the sales department where I obtained an immediate human voice seemingly drooling to sell me their services. I explained that I was already a poor and badly treated sod and as their customer and I wanted to report a fault. "Which number, Sir?" was the reply and when I gave him our telephone number he said, "Ah! I see your fault has been corrected!" I counted to ten and explained the fault was indeed corrected last week but I was trying to report a subsequent fault, hence the call.

"Are you speaking from that phone now, Sir?"
"Er! No! I cannot because the bloody phone is not working, so how can I?"
"No need to shout at me, Sir. Are you at your house and can you speak to me on your mobile phone!"
"No . . . . and No! I am not in my house and I cannot afford to waste money talking to you on my mobile! I am using a freephone service elsewhere which is denied to me using a mobile where I have already wasted £10 trying to report this! I am not willing to spend a fortune using my mobile Pay As You Go phone. How do you suggest I communicate with you? By bongo drums or semaphore or carrier pigeon . . . or maybe pony express?"

"We must test your line, Sir!"
"You can! my wife is at home all day!"
"Has she a mobile?"
"No"
"Well we cannot talk to her! . . . can we?"
"Then send someone round to fix it and then you can talk to her all day long, can't you!"

Anyway I reported the fault and he said he would get an engineer round to my house first thing in the morning.

Next morning arrived and sure enough a young fellow called round with some kit and tested the phone. Surprise, surpise, he pronounced it stone dead and proceeded to trace the external connection. He returned half an hour later to report that our line was no longer connected to anything! It should have been connected inside a telephone cabinet a quarter of a mile away but was not and he actually found it three quarters of a mile away terminating in the middle of the road. No wonder the internet had been so slow! He said "I shouldn't be telling you this but it may be that your line might have been used by BT for the business line up the road because you are serviced by TALK TALK, a rival company and this was the easiest way for them to fix it." I told him I suspected this right from the outset.

He said that he was a line specialist (Line Man) and not an underground specialist (UG) and that he would report this and we would hear from them soon.

I received a call on my mobile from a BT engineer who said he was on his way and wanted to confirm where the overhead line was. I said there were no overhead lines because it is all underground in our area. "Oh! glad I called, saved me a journey, I will get a UG specialist to call at your house as soon as possible. I received a call from a very pleased Mrs Bluelights saying that an OPEN REACH engineer had called round and he had partially fixed the phone. We could now make calls but not receive any.

Well some progress . . . . Rome was not built in a day!

When I returned home Mrs Bluelights explained that a poor lady round the corner could now no longer receive any calls and that all their calls now came to our number. Not sure how she found our mobile number but the dear old lady pleaded with me to try to report it to BT (her service provider) because she could not do so. She could not contact any of her family except by expensive mobile. I could now make calls and use the 0800 fee number so I was pleased to report the fault . . . . eventually!!! I had to go through yet another series of menu driven choices before finally finding a human female person at BT. I was now able to make the call and explain everything about the lady' line fault and my fault and that we had a crossed line.

Next day an OPEN REACH engineer called at the lady's house and fixed her phone and rang me on my mobile to say he was coming round to see me. After a few minutes he rang the door bell and explained that my fault had not been reported so he was unable to deal with it regrettably. He rang his HQ to check again and still it had not been reported. He said it was a pity because he could easily have fixed it that afternoon. He went!

I checked the phone . . . . . . and . . . . . complete silence!!
My line was uncoupled yet again and I could neither make or receive calls and the internet was down, as it was from the start. All extremely depressing.

I promptly rang TALK TALK on my mobile to find out what the blazes was going on! With fire coming out of my ears and steam from my nostrils I got through to the fault line and asked them to ring me back which they did, fortunately. I was asked for my telephone number and was advised there was a fault on that line!!! To use a Jim Suldog expression, "Holy Mary on a pogo stick! what dumb and cretinous collection of twits they all are at TALK TALK! Why don't they rename themselves as CAN'T TALK?" The line went silent - my mobile had run out of money! All this is not good for any one's blood pressure and a very good lady friend of mine said that if this had happened to her someone would have been killed by now.

Next morning at my daughter's house I managed to reach the fault department . . . . . eventually.
An android said after some awful fill in music, "If you would like to talk to someone about this fault please press 3 on the key pad!"
Ah! . . . . . we might be getting somewhere!", I thought eagerly after a good night's sleep.
"Hello Sir, my name is £$@?$%", said an eastern gentleman with an incomprehensible name in an almost incomprehensible voice, "how can we help you!"
I went through the whole thing yet again and asked him why he had not reported the fault.
His amazing reply was that under the terms of the contract they had 30 days to fix the fault but they would try to do so within 72 hours!
"Oh and when exactly do you propose fixing my phone? Day 29 maybe? or perhaps it might be my birthday day 28? Now look never mind the 30 days I want this resolved today!! . . . . savvy"
I was absolutely blazing by now and demanded to speak to the managing director immediately.
"Solly, Sir, Zat is not possible!"
"Your manager then!"
"Solly Sir, I am authorised to deal with zis call!"
I ended by saying that unless my phone and internet service was fully restored this day I would terminate my contract with TALK TALK and write to every newspaper and magazine in the country explaining their total incompetence of this organisation. I slammed the phone down!!

Silence for 24 hours . . . . . not a Dickie Bird from TALK TALK or anyone . . . . still no phone or internet!!! GRRRR!!

Next morning I rang the sales department explaining that I could get no sense whatsoever from the fault people and I had been left dangling for 24 hours not knowing what if anything they were doing. I threatened to cancel my contract there and then unless I received prompt action. I was transferred to someone managing the engineering section and he informed me that my case had been referred upwards since it was a rare case of taking a while to resolve. I gave him an earful explaining that the problem could have been fixed 2 days ago if someone from their organisation had bothered to report the matter to OPEN REACH who had knocked on my door informing me that no-one had done so. Why had they not done so and finished my sentence by informing him that next door's cat could give me better service.

"Don't shout at me!" he said, "I am trying to get it fixed for you!"
"You are lucky my friend you are dealing with me . . . . Mrs Bluelights would crucify you . . . and may yet do so unless you get this resolved TODAY!"

That afternoon I received a call on my mobile from their engineering department asking if I was at home and would I be available to make tests on my phone. They wanted to make sure the line was dead because if it wasn't then they would have to invoice me £100. I was furious!! . . . . saying with vitriolic words spewing from my mouth to the effect that two OPEN REACH engineers had already tested it and agreed that the line had been terminally ill and had 'snuffed it' four days ago.

You will not believe this but that afternoon I received yet another call from OPEN REACH advising that they might have to charge me £100 if the line was found to be not dead.

"IT IS DEAD . . . . AS DEAD AS A DODO!!

I received a text message from TALK TALK saying my fault would be rectified in 72 hours.

I received another text from TALK TALK saying their engineers had found a fault.

I was absolutely at a loss to know what else I could do to get ANY sense out of ANYONE at TALK TALK.

Well . . . . next day an OPEN REACH engineer did call round and eventually managed to restore our line just in time to hand it over to Virgin Media my new service provider with whom I am well pleased . . . . so far!!

TALK TALK did not like this at all . . . . another customer defecting to their arch rival. Well it is purely their fault and no-one else's. I now have a much faster broadband, clearer phone (which works) and a good TV service. . . . . . all fed by fibre optic cable . . . . much faster and much more efficient that the copper connections on a BT line. I tested the broadband and it delivers an impressive 30Mb and opposed to about 6 Mb I was getting before.

Next day I received a call from TALK TALK informing me that they would be prepared to upgrade my service at no extra charge if I stayed with them. They also asked me to grade from 0 to 5 a series of questions designed to improve customer service. I shall not tell you what my response was LOL.

Now, who's had the last laugh?
Up yours TALK TALK

No Phone or Internet for 12 days

2011-05-24T23:59:00.002+01:00

Imagine it - being cut off from the entire cyber world for 12 days and, even worse, being unable to receive telephone calls or dial out. The only lifeline to our outside world was my mobile - Mrs Bluelights does not have one or even want one being a bit of a Luddite. We take communications for granted these days, don't we, and it is only when we have none that we realise just how much we depend on them, particularly the telephone.

Until recently our service provider was TALK TALK and they have been distinguished by their deplorable service during the entire month because we had two phone/internet breakdowns and each time I had great difficulty restoring the service on our British Telecom line on which TALK TALK provides it's service. The first occasion was when BT dug up the pavement across the road to repair a fault for one of my neighbours. Result, our telephone did not work properly but the Internet did because the line was not totally dead. Next morning, although we still could receive no incoming calls I did manage to dial out on a very weak line to TALK TALK's fault line, feeling confident I would soon be able to report the fault and get it resolved quickly. Little did I know just how difficult was the task which lay before me. I had to go down an automated voice route and the choices on the menu did not match my situation exactly and all I wanted was to speak to a human being. Oh no! - not possible! I did eventually end up at the right place and this android lady asked me to key my telephone number onto my key pad including area code followed by the hash key. I felt this request a little odd because I was actually talking to their organisation and being a company specialising in communications I thought it not unreasonable for them to be able to recognise my telephone number which was actually live on their system. By hey ho! I duly obliged and keyed it in but was horrified to hear this alien female voice informing me that they did not recognise that telephone number!! My mind blew and my forehead was getting hotter. Had I had the luxury of actually speaking to a real person I would probably have said, "What! This is nonsense! I'm speaking to you on this number you silly cow, how the hell can you not recognise it!". Instead I was baffled at their next utterence! "Thank you for talking to TALK TALK, please be assured we are striving to improve our service and would be grateful if you would answer a few questions for our customer service department grading your replies from 1 to 5, good day". With that they left me dangling listening to some horrible head bashing music which was carefully chosen to raise my blood pressure even higher. How the hell did they expect a decent score when clearly they would be lucky to get 0 because I had not even been able to report the fault? I slammed the phone down and had a cup of coffeee. I then proceeded to go through the whole palarva again striving to find a way of reporting the fault. The result - exactly the same!! In desparation I thought the only was to reach a human being may be to go through to their sales department. I tried it and . . . . . bingo!! . . . . . a member of Homo Sapiens Sapiens. But wait a minute, I could not understand him!! The call centre was in an eastern country somewhere. I asked him to speak slowly and clearly so I could understand him and he promptly informed me that his English was 'velly, velly good and he was top of his class'. I told him I was trying to report a fault and got total nonsense from a mechanised automated voice and wanted to speak to a real person, hence my call to him and would he kindly transfer me to someone, anyone, who may take my call to get an engineer on the case. "Velly good, sir, I give you this direct line". I said thank you and tried the number . . . . . and frustration upon frustration . . . . another series of automated voices, but this time a menu choice seemed to fit my situation better and I managed to reach . . . . . . . a human!! Hooray!! An oriental lady asked me for my telephone number! I resisted temptation to call her a silly cow and shouting . . . . "I'm speaking on it! you blethering idiot". After a lot of questions I was transferred to . . . . . you've guessed it . . . . another automated voice which promptly asked me for my mobile number but before I could answer with this vital information so they could contact me she said, "Please put the phone down so we can start some tests which should last up to an hour. Thank you for calling TALK TALK." . . . . . silence.

I was left wondering, what am I to do now? I am left dangling in mid air!. After another cup of coffee and 2 hours later I rang the number again and was asked by yet another automated voice, "Please key in your telephone number including your area code, followed by the hash key." "Here we go again!" I said to myself, and yes, the reply was, "I am sorry, we do not recognise that number, thank you for calling TALK TALK!" Call ended . . . . silence. I rang the sales department yet again and reached another male overseas voice, equally indistinct. I reported the incident and he gave me a different number which I tried. This time I was informed that this android actually recognised the number but there was a fault on it and it had been reported to the engineers. "I know there is a fault on it, you cretin! - I REPORTED IT!!!", I felt like saying! The voice asked me for my mobile number which I keyed in and promptly the line went dead. No explanations, no reassurances, no apologies . . . . . nothing!! I had had enough by now because I was totally stressed out. Not good for heart or blood pressure.

I received a text message informing me that there was 'an issue with my phone line and the matter would be rectified withing 72 hours'. "WHAAAAAT! 72 blooming hours!!! I replied, "This is totally unacceptable", and sent my text reply. Result, my reply failed!! I tried again and it failed again!! I tried again . . . . . failed.

I received yet another text message saying they hoped to resolve my line issue in . . . . . yes, you've guessed it . . . . . . 72 hours!" I did not know whether to laugh or cry! Surely they're taking the piss!

Two days later, after, several frustrating calls, the line was restored to normal . . . . . thank God. I received another text message informing me that they considered the fault had been repaired and would I kindly reply by text FIXED or UNFIXED and they would take the appropriate action. I tried several times to reply FIXED but each time my reply failed. For a communications organisation I am utterly amazed that their entire communications ethos is such an enormous pile of crap! Next door's cat would have made a better job of it.

Well I did say there was another fault LOL . . . . . . . and there was . . . and this time the story is much more complicated and far harder for me to resolve. I look forward to telling the story next time. A must read. It is a total riot looking back on it.

Meanwhile, it is so nice to be back on line.

Watch this space!

Get Three People Across River For $5 Conundrum

2011-05-04T23:49:00.004+01:00

Here I am with my famous thinking hat LOL.
This post is another 'oldie' maths problem on which I am putting a modern day slant, plus a well known older version (famous at least here in the UK). The problem is based on two incredibly stubborn characters, one of whom we met last time, the stingy Mr X with moths in his wallet and the nice one, non other than Eddie Bluelights himself! Why? - because I am writing it, of course! LOL. Three people have to get across a river to a party and Mr X has a rowing boat and insists on charging $2 each to row them across. "Extortionate", says Eddie, and he will have none of it. He says the most he will pay is $5 for the three, himself and two attractive ladies (why? because I am writing it, you silly Gumbos and it makes the problem more interesting having such nice companions). Both ladies are tall, one has long jet black hair and the other is a fiery red head. Unfortunately there is no room in this story for a blonde lady this time . . . she might step on my toe and break it, so I will leave her out. Mr X will not budge so the three have a pow wow as to the best way of solving the problem of paying just $5. "Eddie, dear!", said the brunette, that man reminds me of someone who lives in a haunted house, quick let's give him the slip. I'd rather walk than get in his rowing boat!". "And me!", said the red head. "That's it!", said Eddie, "we'll walk half way and then I'll go back for the boat. With him not doing anything and me doing the rowing I'm sure he will agree to $3. Then I'll and row myself back, pick you up, drop you off and row back and ask him to row me across for $2 - making $5 in all and not $6 he he." "You clever man, you, and hey if you manage to pull it off I'll show you my Zydeco." "And I'll show you my Jitterbug", said the red head. "How can I resist?", said Eddie, as the three started walking into the river. Half way the two ladies were completely out of sight, but Eddie knew they were alright because he was holding their hands. He floundered back to see Mr X who agreed the price of $3 since Eddie was rowing. Eddie, pulled on the oars as fast as he could back to the middle of the river and fished the ladies out. They looked like two red faced shrimps but he landed them unceremoniously into the boat and rowed them across. He indeed rowed back and Mr X rowed him across for another $2. Sorry ladies, you got a bit wet there - perhaps you should have tried swimming. "Well done, cher!"

Anyway, this story has been told before and in 1933 Marriott Edgar wrote a monologue recorded by Stanley Holloway, called "Runcorn Ferry". This time the three people wanting to get across the river Mersey in Lancashire, were Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom and their son, Albert. The two towns are Runcorn and Widnes, where I was born . . . and in the monologue nobody wants to visit LOL. Mr X's predecessor is old Ted the boatman, who used to row folks across for, "Tuppence per person per trip! . . . . or per part of per trip."

Of course both the rowing boat and the transporter bridge have long gone but I do remember the old transporter bridge and travelling across it as a boy. The river Mersey certainly does not look inviting for a walk across so I would definitely have gladly paid 6 pence for three LOL. Enjoy the monologue. Oh! and the Zydeco and Jitterbug are two types of dances . . . . just in case you wondered.

I am still very busy outside Blogsville but could not resist this one LOL. With all the work I am doing my face is as red as a shrimp as well LOL.

Oh! and there is a feature about the Royal Wedding on my other blog, Plato's Procrastinations which contains some rather dubious footage. There - that's grabbed your interest - see HERE for a laugh.

Three Men And A Hotel Bill Conundrum

2011-04-05T23:00:00.007+01:00

I'm still not functioning fully in BlogLand - I am very busy at my daughter's house and consequently not much time is available for blogging.

(No I am not constipated, or cross - I am thinking . . . like Socrates LOL)

But I do have a little conundrum for you. To make it a little more interesting I am adding a few characters which those 'in the know' will find amusing LOL.

Three men are travelling together, let us call them Mr X, Mr P and Mr B. Mr X is shrink and a miserable so and so. He has no sense of humour whatsoever, being of German extraction. Mr B is a builder and has the nick name "Twinkle Toes" since he likes to trip the light fantastic whenever he can. Mr P has a racy sports car and a very expensive camera. They are all looking for the same very elusive lady who seems to have successfully given them all the slip, yet again. It is very late and even though they can't stand the sight of each other they realise it is futile carrying on their search and so reluctantly they decide to stop for the night at the next hotel or motel they pass. They find one a little way further on their travels and so they pull in and walk to reception.

The tight fisted German, Mr X, is delighted when they are told the room costs just $30 for the three of them and so they pay the desk clerk come bell boy, Eddie Bluelights, $10 each. (My word I get some interesting jobs don't I?). Moths fly out of Mr X's wallet because he doesn't use it very often.

The manager is furious and poor Eddie gets a right rollicking because there is a special promotion running and the room should have cost only $25 for the night but dear Eddie forgot all about it. Well, he is not perfect!! "Give them $5 back immediately - here do it at once . . . or you are fired!"

"Ok boss!" . . . . . All together . . . . . "Poor Eddie! how dare that bully bully him like that, we all love him! Leave him alone you monster!"

Eddie is furious because he realises he won't get a tip for all this so he figures out a little plan. He reasons that because they paid in advance they would be happy if he paid back some money to each of the men and keep some as a tip for himself . . . because he also is a tight fisted so and so! LOL. Realising they will never know the real deal, devious Eddie pockets $2 as a hidden tip and refunds each man $1. Mr X's eyes light up as he is handed $1 and rapidly stuffs it into his bulging wallet. The other two men just say, "Thank you", and put their 1$ in the charity box. They did not dream of saying to Eddie, "Keep it!" Rotten b's!

The chamber maid, a delightful lady with seemingly boundless energy and very long hair, notices Eddie's antics, winks at him and says, "Eddie, you are a naughty boy! - you are awful! . . . but I like you! Hey man - these guys will go bananas if they see you have cheated them out of one third of the $2 you should have returned. I should report you really but won't do it if you can explain why the mathematics of all this does not add up. Listen Eddie dear, because this whole thing does not make any sense to me! Lawd have mercy on my sanity LOL. Hey buddy, since each of these men paid $10, and have now gotten $1 back they have each paid $9. $3 times 9 is $27, plus $2 you have pocketed equals only $29 and not the $30 we started out with. Where is the other $1? Answer me that, Eddie - find me the answer if you can!"

"Easy peasy!", says Eddie. "The answer to this puzzle is in the language used to pose the question. In reality there is no missing $1. 3 x 9 is indeed 27 (a bit of your usual linguistic misdirection, me thinks), and I do indeed have $2, but adding them together has nothing to do with solving the problem, it just adds to the confusion, and makes the puzzler what it is. Here is the real break down:

"The hotel has $25, Eddie has $2 and each of the men have $1. So, 25 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 30, nothing is missing."

"Oh you are a clever boy . . . and you have passed the test . . . . but I think you should give me $1 so we have $1 each!"

"Oh alright, but you owe me a dance!"

"OK Bluelights! - you're on!"

Special Year 2011 + Year Of The Money + Building Work

2011-03-21T23:06:00.006Z

Year Of The Money ???
Now that made you sit up didn't it?

I received this by email today.

This is all very intriguing:

This year we're going to experience four unusual dates.???
We have already experienced the January dates . . . . oh and for my American pals of course this in UK notation, dd/mm/yy

1/1/11

1/11/11

11/1/11

11/11/11

and that's not all...

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born -now add the age
you will be this year, and the result will be 111 for everyone!

For example - suppose I was was born in 1957 (I wish LOL), therefore: 57+54=111 mathematics!??
Special year!

AND . . . . this is the year of Money!!!
(So make sure you buy lottery tickets every week and don't forget your pal, Eddie LOL.)

This year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays and 5 Saturdays.

This happens only every 823 years.??
(Didn't you always want to know that?)

These particular years are known as 'Moneybags' the proverb goes that if you
send this to eight good friends (already today translated from the Brazilian
version!)? money will appear in the next four days as is explained in
Chinese feng-shui.? its a mystery, but its worth a try, good luck.

____________________________________________________

I have been pitifully inactive in BlogLand of late. I am busy decorating at my daughter's first house which she has bought recently. We are all so pleased she and her fiancee are now on the housing ladder. There have been extensive building alterations with walls knocked down, other walls bricked up, kitchen and bathroom gutted and redesigned. The builders were very 'gun ho' and bashed the walls down with wild enthusiasm yielding heavy sledge hammers. Typical of Mr B (for builder) in general, I would say (LOL) - mess everywhere - us painters and decorators always have to clear up after them and make good their imperfections and add a bit of polish. My word - dust and mess everywhere. The electricians are just as bad, chasing cables and double sockets into the walls with wild abandon with their electric hammer chisels - what a mess!! And as for plumbers! well, water everywhere!! Oh and the plasterer!! How the heck he does that without dropping huge dollops onto the floor like elephant dung I shall never know!! Hang on a minute there are large dollops on the floor!! LOL Guess who will clear it all up? You've got it - me, the decorator!! LOL. I've seen it all before on building sites, which reminds me I owe you some funny posts about this era of my life. The creative work on this job is taking a little longer but order is gradually coming out of chaos, thereby reversing the second law of thermo dynamics.

In addition to this I am building up my double glazing agency with quite a degree of success I am pleased to say.

Several of my American pals are not sure what I mean by double glazing. I shall be writing a post on this soon.

Meanwhile if you feel like a really good belly laugh please pop over to my other blog, Plato's Procrastinations, and Mr Dave Allen has a classic treat for you HERE , plus a funny story from your's truly.

Wedding Anniversary

2011-03-07T22:15:00.002Z

We celebrated our wedding anniversary recently - goodness me, time has flown by.
Here we are all 'starry eyed' and ready for our journey in life into the unknown.
Isn't Mrs Bluelights a beauty? - still is! We are on the way to our reception dinner.
Thank you for 38 wonderful years, my dear, and for two wonderful children.

The horn rimmed glasses are long pre SpecSavers . . . . LOL . . . and the style was very popular at the time. Reminds me of the guitarist Hank Marvin of The Shadows, who played for Cliff Richard.

It would be nice to be young again, knowing what we know now! LOL

Pop Songs Sound The Same - It's Official!

2011-02-24T01:06:00.001Z

Something a bit different for you. Hey just listen to this.

Axis of Awesome is an modern day Australian comedy band consisting of Jordan Raskopoulos, Lee Naimo and Benny Davis. The trio cover a wide variety of performance styles, and perform a combination of original material and pop parodieb and they have just dropped a bomshell in the music world.

Here they prove beyond doubt that popular music for the last 40 years is based on just 4 simple chords.
Have a listen to these 40 songs. Amazing.

There's a Heron On The Roof, Memories and a Famous Rugby Match

2011-02-20T23:40:00.014Z

"Hey, Eddie, quick!! There's a Heron on our roof!"

"Don't be so daft, Mrs Bluelights!"

"There is!! There is - quick get your camera!"

"I'm watching the game! A rugby game, the Barbarians versus The all Blacks 1973"

"Never mind the game! Snap it quick before it gets away! Here's your camera!"

"You'll be telling me we had peacocks in our garden next!"

"We did! We did! Last year. Don't you remember? They just dropped in unannounced!"

"Oh yes I remember! I did a post on it called 'Did You Invite Mr and Mrs Peacock?'

"There, I've caught the Heron on camera - no doubt it is waiting to catch a fish from next door's fish pond! Now can I finish watching the rugby match?"

Memories flashed through my mind just after we were married. I was watching a cricket match on the television between England and The West Indies. The new Mrs Bluelights asked, "Are they the All Blacks?" I collapsed laughing and replied, "I don't think so! Well they may be but the All Blacks is a famous New Zealand rugby union team."

Recently I watched the American Super Bowl final on television which I enjoyed very much but I love our rugby game and the rules are very different. Forward passing is not permitted, as can be seen by one disallowed try on the video, and the players have to run through the field and get clobbered more often than not in their attempt to cross the goal line to score a try, which is a little like a touch down. There are no shoulder pads or helmets, just flesh, bone, muscle and blood. We have scrums where 8 players from each team push against each other trying to get the ball. When 6 front row players come together (3 player from each side) an astonishing 2 tons pressure falls on their shoulders when the ball enters the scrum, put in by the scum half. So they have to get their heads in place properly, or else!! Anyway without going into to much detail here is a clip of the greatest rugby match ever played between The Barbarians versus The All Blacks during 1973, two months before our wedding (when I was a free man LOL). The first try scored is noted as the greatest rugby try ever scored and a famous Welsh player, arguably the best rugby player of all time, scrum half Gareth Edwards of Wales, made a 75 yard run after some brilliant passing and side stepping by his fellow team mates..

Enjoy and tell your grand children:

The All Blacks always have a pre-kick-off Haka war dance by tradition - designed to put the fear of God into the opposition. On this ocassion it resembles a damp swib LOL. "The Barbarians" team is made up from top players from all over the world. During the 1970s Wales was the dominant rugby team in both the northern and southern hemispheres and many wonderful players, now legends are in this Barbarian side.

Gareth Edwards played for Cardiff, Wales, The Barbarians and The British Lions. In the St David's Shopping Centre, Cardiff a statue stands in honour of him.

It was rather embarrassing one day because during a particularly busy shopping day my rather eccentric Welsh brother in law suddenly yelled at the top of his voice, "PASS THE BALL! PASS THE BALL, GARETH! COME ON LAD!
PASS THE BALL!!!"

Everyone laughed and we looked for the biggest hole to crawl into LOL.

Your Hip is 'hip' Eddie

2011-02-10T21:16:00.003Z

Well, I've just had my hospital examination to mark the first anniversary of my total hip replacement operation.
I had another X-ray that day which shows that the replacement hip joint is perfectly aligned and still firmly set into the femur and pelvis. I had my camera with me this time and the lady consultant who I have seen several times allowed me to take a couple of shots from her computer screen.

See the screws holding the socket joint cup in place on the pelvis? Imagine them rasping out that little lot and using all the power tools in the Black and Decker range! And notice the way they chopped off the head of the femur and rammed the the ball joint spike into the bone after pumping in some cement. It does not hurt at all now apart from sometimes in damp weather, but only for the first few steps.

Earlier the lady consultant remarked when she saw me walking, "Hey, look at you move - that's perfect!" And I had just walked a brisk three miles from where I parked the car.
She said, "Does the other hip give you any trouble?"
I said, "No, why?"
She said, "The joint is nearly worn out! I can't undersatnd why it doesn't hurt you - see the gap of missing cartilage between the ball and the socket."

She went on to say that the X-ray is only two dimensional and may not have picked up that there may still be quite a lot of cartilage there on a different plane. She said, "Obviously it is not troubling you and we are very pleased with your operated hip, so we are discharging you. If you have any problems we can do the other one for you."

We always enjoyed our chats and she was fascinated by me donating 92 pints of blood and managing a donation just 9 months after the operation. Apparently the risk of dislocation has fallen to below 1% so I can ease up a bit on restricting movement. After the consultation I shook her hand and said I would also like to thank the surgeon, the chief consultant, personally for giving my life back to me. She knocked on his door and he did not have a patient with him so I did thank him and he was delighted that I did so.

Regarding the X-ray photo. Originally it was one photo but to save my modesty I cropped out the central part LOL. The full version is available on prescription only and please make out generous cheques to Eddie Bluelights LOL

On to other things - I am still having a partial break in BlogLand and from the Sunday Roast but I hope to return soon.

Meanwhile I received an email from someone called Paul asking me if I would consider selling my blog. No way Paul, it is part of me. Not for sale! Has anyone else had that request?

Finally, I saw an interesting maths conundrum recently which works for people born from 1900 - 1999.
Take the last two digits of the year which you were born and add these to your age next birthday. The answer is always 111. How about that for a piece of useless information! LOL

Breakfast At Eddie's

2011-02-01T23:53:00.001Z

Hey - I feel hungry and I can't resist popping back to show you one of the all time favourite British comedy sketches.

Here's Eric Morecombe and Ernie Wise dancing around their kitchen. Sadly both have passed on now. When I was a youth, many years ago, they were huge hits on the telly. I'm not sure whether they were known in the US.

I have to laugh because I can just imagine some of my favourite cooking friends having a little dance around their kitchens after this. Marguerite and Lola . . . one, two, three!! There you go! . . . . and don't forget to shut the fridge door LOL

Eddie Interlude

2011-01-30T18:03:00.003Z

Hi folks!

I have been very busy outside BlogLand with various tasks including year end accounts, do-lists and volunteer bus driving I have not been able to serve a Sunday Roast or post anything new. I have a few roasts in the pot and I hope some new ones are sent in soon.

I thank my great friend Jackie for sending this video to me and I loved it so much I wanted to share it with you.

I love the dentist sketch and the naughty Stork stalking a Stork LOL.

I noticed tha Alan managed to escape and I expect Steve is running away as well. LOL

Hope to free up some time soon

The Sunday Re-Roast SULDOG

2011-01-22T21:03:00.004Z

Time To Interview The Old Odd Ball, Soft Ball Again

Welcome to my Sunday Re-Roast - another chance to meet bloggers already roasted and provide them an opportunity to review their original answers and to reply to some new questions I ask these days. From time to time I shall I mix these Re-Roasts with new Standard Roasts to provide a bit of variety.

This weeks interview is with Jim "Suldog" Sullivan

who writes the blog, Suldog

A very warm welcome to you Jim and all your followers

Gosh! . . . . it's scorching on that spit! . . . and here he is folks wishing he was a Blog Of Note.
What . . . he is a Blog Of Note. Hey! Congratulations Jim.

HEY FOLKS . . . Jim's a Blog Of Note
all together . . . . "Congratulations!"

What's that you are holding this time, Sully? Oh! . . . . so it's a magic wand now, is it? Give it a wave and we'll see how you answered your original roast. Oh! You're looking a little concerned! Worried it might turn into something nasty and pink? No Ladies! don't look!! Oh, crumbs!! Tell a lady not to do something and she'll do it!! Remember Lot's wife . . . and Eve and the apple? On second thoughts it's a family show so perhaps you'd better just use your imagination or memory. Now compose yourselves!! . . . . and let's get back to the interview.

Jim's original roast was by David McMahon on 24 May 2009. Jim will wave his magic wand and replicate it for us or if you wish to see the original and read the comments press HERE but then please return for the new stuff.

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

Insatiable ego. I’ve always had a very high opinion of myself, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, so I figured everybody in the world would love reading whatever I typed.

Amazingly enough, while making statements such as the above, I’ve received very little in the way of flames. The folks who comment over at my place are almost uniformly kind and complimentary. That’s very nice of them, but, if they had any brains at all, they would have figured out that I’d have dried up and blown away upon receiving even one or two nasties. They could have done the populace at large a huge favor by manning up and throwing out a few insults.

If they had done so, I would have gone to bother someone else with my next hare-brained scheme; perhaps starting my own church or acting in pornos. As it stands now, my ego has been blown up to such mammoth proportions, there’s little likelihood I’ll stop writing. That’s too bad for the world, but I’m OK with it.

What’s the story behind your blog name?

I wish there was one."Suldog" is just a nickname I picked up years ago. My last name is Sullivan. Well, almost everybody at this one place where I worked ended up being called something-dog - Charlie-dog, Dave-dog, Fitz-dog, whatever. I’m not sure how it started, but it did, and since I was already nicknamed Sully, I became Suldog. For whatever reason, it seemed to fit me
more than most, and it’s followed me around ever since. Exciting, eh?

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

Seriously? The people you meet (not that you truly "meet" too many of them, but you know what I mean.)

I’ve developed many fine virtual friendships, and had the pleasure of physically getting together with a couple of the nicer folks. There are so many interesting life stories out there in the blogging universe!

(Really, I think that everybody has an interesting life story, but some just know how to put their story into words in more entertaining ways.)

The anonymity of blogging helps some folks, of course, but I’m one of those bloggers who doesn’t give a damn if everybody knows my real name or where I live. When I write, I assume that at least one person in my audience will have done the same stupid thing I’m willing to reveal that day. From the comments I’ve received, that appears to be the case. And it also appears that those people are exceedingly glad to find out that they’re not the only ones, so I guess I’m performing a public service of sorts when I admit to past indiscretions.

Anyway, my life is an open book. I figure that if someone really wants to dig up some dirt on me, they can. Therefore, I’m happy to save them the trouble. I figure if I write about it first, nobody can ever accuse me of hypocrisy. If you criticize me about any of it, though, I’ll jump on you with both feet. Everybody has things they’ve done that fall short of perfection and I’ll carve you a new one if you seriously think you can get away with being holier-than-thou in my presence.

I don’t know if that answered the question or was just a long-winded self-serving rant, but it’ll have to do.

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

Post naked photos of yourself, if you’re a woman! If you’re the shy type, and aren’t sure about this advice, feel free to send the photos to me first for an unbiased editorial critique.

Aside from that? Be yourself, whatever that may be. If you have odd quirks, bring ‘em out into the open. If you have a style with which an English professor might find fault, don’t let it keep you awake at night. It’s your blog, not the professor’s. So long as you make yourself clearly understood, it’s all good.

(Despite the above advice, though, I’d suggest that you learn to spell. Style is one thing, ignorance another. You’ll lose many readers if you don’t know how to spell the second word in this sentence.)

Above all, have fun. There are very few folks getting rich from this. I’m certainly not one of them, so if you send me ten dollars – and, perhaps, those naked photos - I’ll be glad to give you more advice.

What is the most significant blog post you’ve ever read?

It was by Magazine Man. I’ve got his link on my sidebar listed under the heading "The Best Writer On The Internet", and I’ve never been given reason to back down from that statement. He’s brilliant. There are some truly good writers out there – you among them, of course – but I have yet to read anything by him that wasn’t utterly captivating.

Anyway, his parents died in a highway accident a bit over a year ago. They were on their way to visit he and his family at the time. He had written about them both, at length, previous to the accident, showing them to be interesting and lovable people, with faults in their pasts, to be sure, but that just made them more endearing in the present. I (and his other readers) felt a relationship to these good people, via his marvelous writing, so when he posted concerning their tragic deaths, it just sucked the breath right out of me. My stomach churned almost as much as it had upon hearing of the death of some of my own loved ones. That’s how good his writing is.

(To clarify: That single post, about them dying, wasn’t his greatest piece, but as a hideous denouement to all that had preceded it, it was as powerful an emotional response as has ever been dragged out of me by a blog.)

What is the most significant blog post you’ve ever written?

A Day (Five Of Them, Actually – All Saturdays) In The Life, which is basically my life story, condensed. I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever written, so if your readers go to my place, read it, and aren’t impressed? They may as well leave, since it isn’t likely they’ll find anything better if they stay.

Thanks for the opportunity to display my arrogant, ignorant, bloviating self, David. If you enjoyed reading this half as much as I did writing it, then you’re 50 per cent as happy as I was.

Well - that's what you wrote two years ago, Jim and interestingly enough you said you would answer these questions in exactly the same way today.

So - let's see what you make of the new questions.

Is there anything since your roast you are dying to tell the blogging community?

Yes, but I won't say it here. Yours is a family blog and I wouldn't want you to run afoul of the censors.

All seriousness aside, I'd like to say that I've enjoyed every moment of my interaction with my fellow bloggers. I'd like to say it, but I can't. It's been a miserable 5+ years I've been doing this, and I have come to the conclusion that I'm a self-loathing masochist.

Is anybody still reading? Oh, good. I'm glad you decided to stick around. Actually, I have some wonderful, intelligent, kind, and wholly fantastic readers. I only said the rotten stuff above to weed out the posers. Since you're still here, you're one of the good ones, and I thank you quite sincerely for making my time as a blogger a pure joy. You folks are the best!

Which two blogs would you recommend for roasting?

Well, I hate to limit it to only two, but I also don't want to copy my entire sidebar here and weigh you down, Eddie. Let me see... My first choice of course would have been Knucklehead - He's an extremely funny man, and also quite erudite. He and I root for rival baseball teams - He, New York Yankees; I, Boston Red Sox - but, other than that, he's sane. But I see you've already roasted him.

So who else have I been reading for a long time, but hasn't already been roasted?

OK, how about these good people...

Shimp at Land Of Shimp - She writes some very funny pieces, and has one thing in common with me: she goes on and on and on. In her case she actually says something."

Buck, at Exile In Portales - A master sergeant, retired from the U.S. Air Force. Despite the reputation sergeants sometimes have for being tough birds, he's a genuinely nice guy. Of course, maybe he was a real bastard before he retired, but he's sweet as pie now.

And, for a third, how about Thimbelle, at Creeping Towards Normal? Fine writer, interesting and love-filled stories, and her family sends me fruitcake every Christmas, so the least I can do is pimp her out.

(Great, thanks for these recommendations, Jim)

Pick three things you can't live without.

The ability to express myself musically.

My main instrument is the bass guitar, but I'm somewhat proficient at drums, keyboards, six-string guitar, various percussion instruments and simple woodwinds. I can't begin to imagine how frustrated I would be if some accident befell me and I found myself unable to play any instrument at all. I let my emotions flow freely while playing. It's one of my primary emotional outlets. Sometimes, for instance, it's much easier to bang on the bass than to vent anger elsewhere.

Comedy.

I love to laugh. If you ask MY WIFE, she'll probably tell you that I'm the easiest man to make laugh in any audience of which I'm a part. Slapstick, especially, gives me joy. Anything that upsets the dignity of a stuffed shirt or a blowhard will have me rolling in the aisle gasping for breath. I adore sight gags - and the more elaborate and impossible-seeming, the better. Show me someone stepping into what appears to be a mud puddle, but then disappearing completely, only to reappear a few seconds later soaked through, muddy, spluttering and puffing his cheeks, and I'm useless for five minutes while I laugh. Anyway, make me laugh and you're my friend.

Yummy Food

I enjoy eating, a lot. I enjoy eating a lot of things. And a good meal involves not only the sense of taste, but also smell, touch, sight, and even hearing on occasion. I won't list my favorite foods, as that would take up pages and bore everyone to tears, but let's say that if I somehowng a lot of things. And a good meal involves not only the sense of taste, but also smell, touch, sight, and even hearing on occasion. I won't list my favorite foods, as that would take up pages and bore everyone to tears, but let's say that if I somehow found myself unable to enjoy food, life would become a very bleak enterprise for me.

(On the face of it, Jim, you appear to be quite normal and sane!)

If we were to make a movie about BlogLand, what would it be and who would you cast in the leading roles?

I think I would call it The Three Stooges Meet The Marx Brothers Meet Laurel and Hardy Meet Abbott and Costello Meet The Ritz Brothers Meet Wheeler and Woolsey and Clark and McCullough and Cheech and Chong, Who Carry On. The plot would be fairly much non-existent, but the laughs would be never-ending. Here's the cast listing:

Moe - Mushy
Larry - Craig
Curly - Knucklehead
Shemp - Shimp
Joe - Quirkyloon
Curly Joe - Jazz
Groucho - Cricket (or, perhaps for this role, Porcupine)
Harpo - Shrinky
Chico - Aglio, Olio, and Peperoncino
Zeppo - I'll take this one, as I appreciate him but nobody else might.
Laurel - Twinks
Hardy - Jelly (Twink's friend, and they really ARE something of a comedy team!)
Abbott - Buck
Costello - Matt Conlon
Harry Ritz - Lime
Jimmy Ritz - Michelle
Al Ritz - Hilary
Wheeler - Thimbelle
Woolsey - Magazine Man
Clark - Saz
McCullough - Moannie
Cheech - Mariann Simms
Chong - Brinkbeest
Sid James - Eddie Bluelights

I realize all of these are traditionally male roles, but I'm willing to see how the females do with them.

If anyone else wants to be in the flick, I suppose I could write parts for Burns Allen, Rowan and Martin, Fry and Laurie, The Two Ronnies, Lum and Abner, Bob and Ray, the casts of "Are You Being Served?" and "The Goon Show", and perhaps Nixon and Agnew, who may have been the most underrated comedy team of my generation.

(Jim, the mind boggles!! . . . . such a mammoth production would surely require Cecil B De Thrill to direct, at least! And thanks for the honour of being Sid James. He's a comic genius! Laughing at your casting for Chico Marx, and some others ROFL. Hey! I didn't think you guys across the pond understood the Goon Show.)

If you could live your life again who would you be, and why?

MY WIFE. That way, I could fall in love with me and nobody would complain about me being too narcissistic (which they're no doubt doing now after reading this answer.)

(Typical Suldog cunning and logic LOL)

Well, since I'm already most of them, I'll choose the one thing I'm not: a best-selling novelist. But I'm not sure I actually want to be that, as it probably would be too much work. Let's just leave me being me since nobody else seems to want the job.

(Can't say I blame 'em - LOL)

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

I would be peppermint stick ice cream (with jimmies, of course, or perhaps you call them sprinkles) and insofar as who I'd like to lick me, I'd be satisfied with just about any, just so long as they don't bite my cone.

(Ah! you are at the grateful age as well, Jim)

Describe in one sentence your perfect day

I would be peppermint stick ice cream (with jimmies, of course, or perhaps you call them sprinkles) and everybody who wasn't tempted to bite my cone would lick me.

(Again . . . the mind boggles!)

If you were a fiction writer which one would you be and why?

What makes you think that anything I write isn't fiction?

(Thought most of it was fact, actually LOL)

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Being featured on your blog, thus far.

(Yup! I know what yer mean! but you are not the first to say it! My pet budgie did on his roast! - now carry on like this my friend and someone will give you an award and then you'll have to get your wand out again and be extremely rude to them!! LOL)

If you awoke to find you had changed gender what would be the first and second things you would do?

The first thing I'd do was play around and find out what everything felt like. The second thing I'd do - assuming that things felt nice - would be to find out just how much money I could make with my new equipment. If it turned out that things did NOT feel nice, I don't know what in hell I'd do for the second thing. Cry, perhaps.

(Think positive, man!! You have no other choice!)

Your turn to ask me a question if you wish.

(omg . . . what have I done? No doubt he's going to make a lame duck out of me yet again!)

Do you more prefer fondling waterfowl or dressing up as the Queen? What if I supplied the orange sauce?

Oops! That's more than one question, Eddie, so I suppose I've ruined my chances of getting an answer. Oh, well. I know, in your heart, you like both equally as much, no matter whether there's orange sauce or not. God bless you.

(That goes back to a post I did, long ago, in which I kidded Eddie unmercifully. He, being an extremely good sport, took it like the man that he is. In reality, Eddie neither fondles waterfowl or dresses up like Her Majesty. So far as I know, at any rate.)

May I have one more word here, Eddie? I hope those people who are just being introduced to me will send me some money, if they're men, and nude photos of themselves, if they're women. If they're neither, both. And I thank you in advance for your kind indulgence and incredulous stares. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas indeed! Actually I put my hand up to being late with Jim's Re-Roast so I will update his intentions and wish you all a Happy New Year on his behalf. Now about these wretched ducks and the Queen (and he forgot to mention Stanley Holloway, didn't he?). Well Jim, all I can say is that I have documentary evidence that you became interested in ducks from a very early age LOL, and obviously this interest has turned into an obsession. There he is folks, playing ducks and drakes in the kitchen sink! LOL.

What's up, Jim, can't yer find yer ducks? LOL

Well that was great fun, Jim. Thanks for appearing on the show and I look forward to many more encounters with my great blogging adversary. Lots of banter, skirmishes, duels, slanging matches, wars, apocalypses. Bring it on, man and I'll be ready for you LOL. But now you are a Blog Of Note I think you might be able to think of a different insult for me other than the ducks - so there!. No, actually folks I like Jim a lot and we are great pals. . . . . . Jim, you're a ten out of ten guy!

OK - we'll finish by having a look at Jim's Blog Page . . . and see what rubbish he is writing about me perhaps! LOL

______________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with Jim Suldog is the 145th

in a weekly series of interviews with bloggers from around the world ______________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour

for all published Roasts. To view press HERE

________________________________________________

Please keep your recommendations for The Sunday Roast coming.
For those who would like to know a little more about it, how it started, the nuts and bolts of it etc, press HERE

Blog Land's Got Talent Awards

2011-01-12T00:29:00.009Z

Hi everyone . . . . . welcome to my award ceremony called "BlogLand's Got Talent". Today I have two awards up for grabs and the nominations are far too numerous to mention in full, plus there are several blogs who sadly no longer accept awards who otherwise would be on the rostrum - all exciting and wonderful stuff.

In August 2009 a very good bloggy pal of mine, Jackie, honoured me by creating and sending me her This Blog Kicks award. Jackie is a retired school teacher who's blog she names Teacher's Pet which is a private blog - thank you again Jackie. I wonder - am I the teacher's pet or were you just trying to tell me I am a silly ass? LOL

There are three conditions to accepting this highly prestigious award.

1. You answer five simple questions - these appear at the end of this post.

2. You pass the awards to at least four ot to as many fellow bloggers you wish, asking them the same questions or five of your own.

3. You accept another award as a sort of Get One, Get One Free promotion LOL.

This second award, Making Smiles On Faces, was given to me by the lovely lady with green eyes, Marguerite, at Cajun Delights. Marguerite has an excellent blog which portrays all the delights of Cajun culture, including her own wonderful recipes which are sinfully delicious, and she treats us to video clips of her favourite Cajun music to boot. But she keeps me wondering as to where she features whilst dancing on some of the videos - she loves to keep me guessing you see although I am quite convinced I had the right answer at least once LOL. Also I have to be good because if I tucked in to all her fantastic recipes I would soon resemble The Incredible Hulk. Marguerite is a good friend and has a superb sense of humour (thank God)

So without further ado I am delighted to pass on this award to the following bloggy pals. Indeed ALL their blogs kick and they ALL put smiles on faces. Please visit them and tell them Eddie sent you - I for one need to visit them more often.

Mrs Magpie @ The Quintessential Magpie

I had the good fortune recently to interview Sheila on my Sunday Roast column. Her roast was highly popular and her devoted readers commented in their droves, demonstrating their appreciation of Sheila's superb blog.

Marguerite @ Cajun Delights
Well, Marguerite, I cannot award you something you awarded me, so just for you please take the This Blog Kicks award PLUS either a plate of fish and chips for your forthcoming Cook Book.

uggg! . . . . sorry about all the Ketchup!

OR this one given to me by the lovely Janine at Sniffles and Smiles in April 2009
but take them both if you like.

Now please don't forget to remove the giblets! . . . . and let me pull the wishbone with you LOL.

Ken @ Grumpy Old Ken

Obviously I am not the only one to enjoy Ken's blog - he was recently awarded Blog Of Note by Google. Many congratulations Ken - very well deserved. I particularly like your monthly feature Grumpy's Alternative News.

Moannie @ The View From This End
Also recently awarded Google's Blog Of Note I send my congratulations to a dear blogging friend and fellow Total Hip Replacement recipient. We would be great in a three legged race I think, Moannie. Recently her blog went astray into hyperspace but we are all fortunate it was found and fully restored.

Monica @ The Creative Beast
I am fortunate to have 'met' Monica recently in Blog Land and she agreed to appear on the Sunday Roast. She is not a beast at all but is very creative and also has a wonderful sense of humour (thank God LOL)

A lady who calls herself "I" @ Happy Frog and I
Yet another recent Blog Of Note recipient and again congratulations, and also roasted.

Maggie May @ Nuts and May
For those who don't know Maggie is my sister and she has just forgiven me for throwing her Teddy Bear out of the window when we were little. Get Sam to help you nail your trophies to your side bar.

Betsy @ My Five Men
Another very nice young lady who I roasted recently. . . . but rather greedy with all those men! LOL.

Jinksy @ Nappy Notes
Another good bloggy pal with a great blog.

Mimi @ MimiinDublin

A lovely Irish lass who plays the French Horn and also has a great blog.

Angie @ Gumbo Writer

Another Cajun lady with a great sense of humour and an awesome blog.

So now to the questions:
Please note: one word answers not acceptable. Expound your ideas/answers in a formally considered written response of at least two sentences. LOL

1. What came first - the chicken or the egg?

2. Which facet of blogging do you enjoy most?
a) Writing
b) Visiting
c) Commenting
d) Reading people's comments to your posts

3. Runner beans - do they really grow clockwise round canes in the southern hemisphere and counter clockwise in the northern hemisphere - or is this a load of tosh, they grow either way wherever they are?

4. What attracts you most to the opposite gender?

a) A good sense of humour, lashings of personality, charm and lots of wit
b) He/She is loaded with dosh
c) He/She is romantic
d) He/She has a fast sports car like a Corvette
e) Good looks
f) A cheeky smile across a crowded room
g) Neither - please specify
h) Other - I cannot imagine an answer to this one!!

(Please note you cannot choose ALL because he/she does not exist! but if you choose a) I will gladly email you my telephone number LOL)

5. What New Year's resolution did you make?

. . . . . . and
a penalty question to Marguerite, split into two halves!

6. a) Have you written your roast yet?
b) If not are you still on question 1 after 18 months? LOL

Can I bribe you to complete it with yet another award?

These questions, except question 6, are also open to ALL readers so please let me have your answers and my special prize is a free invitation to appear on my Sunday Roast interview. Book early to avoid the New Year rush.

I hope you enjoyed your Christmas festivities and 2011 is exceptionally kind to you in every possible way.

Finally, I am starting the Sunday Roast again week end commencing 23 January. My first will be a Re-Roast of Jim Suldog which should be great fun.

BE THERE!!!!
LOL

The Red Baron, A Christmas Party and Merry Christmas To You All

2010-12-23T22:27:00.010Z

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

It's the day of the party at our 'Dial-a-Ride'

We're treating the old folk this Christmastide
Three minibuses, including this one
Ferried passengers to HQ to have fun.

The weather was bitter, the wind blew and blew
But we soldiered on as the numbers just grew
On roads we skidded and round corners we did slide
But we managed our pick ups where 'ere they reside.

Yer can see Eddie wrapped up in a Bobble Hatter
With scarf and warm coat as his teeth started to chatter.
The Red Baron bus started with loud engine noise
To pick up the old ladies and a few elderly boys.

Along icy roads just covered with snow
We had to be careful and allow time to slow.
Each bus had been skidding and sliding all week
Not the place to be if you're kind of meek!

Down one of the roads Eddie's bus became stuck
"Hell's teeth!" muttered Eddie, "just my luck!
I've got nine old ladies - I must get to the top
If I cannot do this they will all have a strop!"

"We'll jump up and down", said one, "try again!"
"Nay, please stay seated and with such notions refrain!"
"I'm 94!" was a lady's reaction
"You must think of how you can get some more traction!"

Said another, "Come on lad! we'll get out and push!
There's no other way to the top in this slush!"
Said another, "This is all exciting to me!
I've not had such fun since I was three!"

Eddie reversed down the hill in his little red bus
And charged from a car park without further fuss.
"Come on!" they all all shouted as they neared the top,
"The wheels are spinning and we think bus will stop!"

But Eddie put his right foot hard on the floor
As the engine revved faster and the noise was a roar.
Inch by inch they progressed climbing higher and higher
Until they got grip on the road with each tyre.

"Well done, Eddie!" the old ladies screamed
With delight on their faces and a smile to him beamed.
"One more to collect . . . a fellow called Eddie!"
"Not another!" laughed a lady, "for two we're not ready!"

We reached the pick up and had a surprise
A lady was waiting . . . was she in disguise?
"I'm a little confused I was expecting a man
My run sheet says Eddie . . . maybe a fault with the plan!"

"I've been called Eddie since ONE NINE FORTY FOUR
It's entirely true you have the correct score!
Now tell me my good man, what is your name?"
Said Eddie laughing, "It is exactly the same!"

"My name too is Eddie and since I was born
In ONE NINE FOUR FOUR that name I have worn!"
The two of them laughed as her seat belt was secured
And so to the party the bus load endured.

A good time was had with lots of mince pies
Good conversation and presents surprise.
The time went by quickly and the party was ended
So time to board buses and home journeys wended.

But on the way home we saw some of the sights
Of local houses adorned with bright Christmas lights.
There seems many people who like decorations
With seasonal flavour with their creations!

This was my last day at the Dial-a-Ride and many of my passenger friends are a little upset because we have grown to know and like one another. It was a pleasure to drive them, assist them onto and off the bus, carry their shopping and make their lives a little happier. They enjoyed having a little laugh on ocassions and to have someone there to whom they could have a little rant now and then. I remember having trouble sometimes trying to get their seat belts fastened - some ladies were a little large and fortunately I had an extension seatbelt for such ocassions which caused a few laughs. I am continuing on a voluntary basis for a while for two days a week.

Well I promised a new ending to Macbeth - I'm still working on it - the projects I give myself! LOL

I am very conscious I have not visited many of my blogging friends for a long time - I am a very busy dude these days and I do apologise for my absence - not sure whether I really do have sufficient time for blogging - real life does get in the way unfortunately.

I'll get the Sunday Roasts going again in the new year.

During my bus travels I found this little pony in a farm along a Lane called World's End Lane. LOL. The farm was at the end of the road and I had difficulty turning the bus round LOL

All together, "Ahhhhhh! . . . .isn't she lovely!"

"Cheers folks . . . . . down the hatch"

Like the graphic? - A little birdie sent it to me LOL . . . . Thanks.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year

Finally, I'm feeling a little pleased today because one of my poems has been published in a magazine, New Forest NCT News for their Winter edition. The piece, a little naughty, is about the Cerne Abbas Giant
Some may remember it.

The Worst Macbeth and an imminent New Ending - watch this space!!

2010-12-10T11:12:00.005Z

This post is inspired by an article I read in Stephen Pile's humorous book entitled "The Book Of Heroic Failures". This wonderful book, every toilet should have one, scorns success and promotes failures; the worst the better. The book is compiled from a collection of glorious flops from a group of wonderful failures in "The Official Handbook Of The Not Terribly Good Club Of Great Britain".
In particular I was amused by the account of The Worst Macbeth ever when actor William McGonagall appeared for the first time on stage . . . . as Macbeth. He was an extremely popular choice and received tumultuous applause and a standing ovation from his many admiring friends in the audience upon uttering his first line, "So foul and fair a day I have not seen". Whenever he spoke cheers and roars of approval abounded all through the play. The highlight came in the final scene, making the other actors playing main parts furious. Macduff is supposed to kill Macbeth in a sword fight and then hold his head aloft to celebrate his victory over the evil tyrant. Unwisely the actor playing Macduff, still seething, told McGonagall to 'cut it short'. Suspecting this actor was jealous of the acclaim he was receiving, McGonagall refused to die and fought on. A new ending to Macbeth seemed imminent. The protracted fight had the audience spellbound and screaming encouragement and one old gentleman shouted out, "Well done McGonagall! Walk into him! And so he did until Macduff, gasping for breath, cried out, "Fool! why don't you fall . . . . die, man, die?" Eventually McGonagall reluctantly succumbed to a roar of boos and the unanimous cry was, "McGonagall! McGonagall! Bring him out!" Before the play had ended McGonagall duly obliged and rose from the dead, walked out to the audience to screams of laughter and received yet another standing ovation with people yelling, "Encore! Encore!". He then asked if they wished to see him die again. The performance was hailed as a glorious failure, never again to be equalled.

____________________________

Well you all know me by now - this is all like a red rag to a bull. This got me wondering what might have happened if Macbeth indeed refused to die and so I have penned a new ending to this famous tragedy, making it into a Shakespearean comedy LOL. I shall publish next week - and . . . . . . there is a surprise ghost appearing. Watch this space.

_____________________________________

I am taking a short break from The Sunday Roast because there are so many in progress and I require some more completed ones.

Also it is Mrs Bluelights' 60th birthday and we are organising and celebrating - so I am eating a roast myself instead of posting one.

The Sunday Roast

2010-12-05T11:29:00.000Z

Watch Out Folks! There's An Unleashed Creative Beast About!

Well here's a 'song and dance' gal wearing a cocktail hat she designed and made. Beneath her blog name she adds, "a place where creativity is unleashed and celebrated."
This week I am introducing a young lady with a truly great sense of humour. I think you all know I love a gal who laughs at my jokes!! LOL. Now with a Blogname like The Creative Beast I was half expecting a logo something like this:

But forget my vivid imagination - time to stick to the facts, Eddie!
I am sure many will recognise this lady's commenting logo of a crafty girl:

Yes, this week's interview is with Monica
who writes the blog, The Creative Beast
Thank you for the interview, Monica

A very warm welcome to you and your followers

Says Monica, "I love creating! costumes, knitting, collage, sewing, jewelry, and dolls...not to mention dancing, writing and performance art...creating brings joy into my life and to others when they receive my hand-crafted goods or watch my performance art/storytelling." In this photograph Monica is modelling some of her original knitted goods (pink scarf and mitts).

And so to the roast interview.

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

That is a really good question Eddie! I know when I began I was just eager to jump into the pool of all the amazing bloggers that abound in the Blogsphere and not just sit on the sidelines watching all the fun. I had been reading blogs for nearly two years before I jumped in! Now I see my blog as many things, so I have many reasons for blogging:

It's a way to connect with other creative beasts =-)
It's a way to lend support and encouragement to folks just starting their creative journey and I LOVE to encourage others!
Most especially, its a way to document the artistic aspect of my life...

I always wanted to be one of those people who write in journals but I just couldn't get into it! The idea of writing into a journal book didn't really work for me. I see now that it's best for me to be able to share my experience with others - maybe it's that performance part of me that plays to the audience! (I'm a dancer and performance artist when time allows) Also, I think blogs are better than journals since you can add images of all kinds, of work in progress or moments in life, in a way you can't always document in a book journal - it seems like a living, breathing thing, a 3-dimensional journal, in a way...

Also, my blog is a way for me to hone my storytelling skills and I've shared one of my favorite stories on my blog about my Wise Woman, the doll she inspired and the stranger who came looking for me when she received one of my handmade Wise Woman dolls. I hope to share more stories like that as they unfold...

(You can find the four "chapters" of the Wise Woman Doll story in the sidebar of my blog)

(A multitude of reasons for blogging if ever I saw them)

What's the story behind your blog name?

One day, many years ago, I was speaking with a co-worker and telling him about all my creative projects I was working on. I'm sure I was still studying fashion design and pattern drafting, in addition to making myself a costume for our local Renaissance Faire, making a gift for someone, sewing some new clothes, knitting a doll sweater or making some jewelry, rehearsing for a dance performance and he stopped me in my tracks when he said:

"You are just a Creative Beast, aren't you?!"

I knew in that moment that I really WAS a Creative Beast and I would use the name for a future business of my creations. Little did I know it would be the name of a blog first...You know, I'm actually surprised he wasn't exhausted after my list of creativity - I know I would be!! ;)

I think the name fits for me in many ways because some days being creative can be beastly when your materials are not cooperating with your ideas; also, being an artist in a society that does not really value artists is pretty beastly as well...but mostly, I think it fits because there is a LOT of unleashed creativity in my home and it looks it! LOL!

(Unleashed creativity shortly to abound folks! Loved the reasons Monica)

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

Hands down, the community of art bloggers and the support that has come from that community. There is a LOT of amazing work being created in so many ways and I am REALLY glad to be a part of that...If I didn't have that, I don't know what I'd be doing now, probably losing my marbles and roaming around homeless in LA talking to myself, hee, hee!

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

JUST DO IT! Seriously, don't worry about being perfect in the beginning because you and your blog will evolve as you learn and grow...besides, perfection is BORING!! ;)

(Yes, there are no hard and fast rules - just dive in LOL)

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

It took me awhile to think about this question because there are SO MANY meaningful blog posts I've read in the many years of reading blogs, but I have to say the one post that has had a huge impact on me is written by Patti Digh titled "Forever hold your penguin dear - In memory of Meta" and it was incredibly powerful the first time I read it and it still affects me when I read it again. She re-posts it every year on the anniversary of the death of a young woman named Meta...The post was amazing in the way the family took care of Meta to help her pass from this life into the next one and I remember thinking: "Yes, this is exactly how it should be, but often isn't, sadly"...

I know that many people don't like to think about Death, but I was born under the sign of Scorpio and it's something we tend to ponder OFTEN, along with what the afterlife looks like...Patti's post about the passing of Meta and the courage of her family facing every step of preparing her for the transition is moving and powerful beyond words.

(Okay, may I say right now that I REALLY love Patti's writing and I'm SO lucky to have my artwork published in her TWO recent books of this year!!)

You know Eddie, I think many of us are curious about what happens to us after we pass away and lately I've been reading the blog of a friend who began to write about her experiences with messages she receives from her boyfriend who died in a car accident - it's very thoughtful and rather comforting to know that loved ones are nearby watching over us, though we may not always see them...

(BTW, if you want to see a profile of a Scorpio figure in action, I highly recommend watching "All That Jazz" by Bob Fosse, who was fascinated by the aspect of Death, and of Sex, two favorite Scorpion topics...and there's fabulous dancing!!)

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

I'm not sure I've written it yet, Eddie!!

I can think of one post that got people thinking:

"Some family history and a giveaway" - I wrote about a family ancestor that I take after and I had folks comment about their family members that they received a legacy from - it got many of them thinking and sharing some really wonderful stories of family histories of creativity!

I do have topics in mind to write about in the future and I hope that my readers will find them helpful - I'll let you know how they go when they've been written, Eddie!

Which two blogs would you recommend for roasting?

ONLY TWO??!?!?

(Oh sorry! I know you ladies have great difficulty counting to two LOL. Oh go on then as many as you like LOL)

But I read so many blogs I can't just narrow it down to TWO!!! But since you ask, here are a few of my favorite blogs:

Tinniegirl - I met her through the group site for the Artful Journey Retreat I attended last year and she hosts the awesome Blogtoberfest for the last three years; she's got great art and a great way with sharing the story of her journey as an artist
I Speak Melsh - I met her through Blogland during last years Blogtoberfest - she has a great eye for color and layout (in scrapbooking), great foodie photos and a wonderful sense of humor!
Cul*ti*vate - an Artful Journey sister with fabulous photography and a sweet spirit
I Saw You Dancing - she is a great writer, as she begins to explore her artistry and the in's and out's of motherhood
Do What You Love - another Artful Journey sister who has had an abundance of travel in her life and amazing stories from all that traveling to foreign lands
Her Painted Word - yet another Artful Journey sister who has been writing an amazing book about her family and is working toward her first solo art exhibit coming next year...

This list could go on forever Eddie!!

(Thanks for those recommendations, Monica)

That concludes the formal aspect of the interview but it would be nice to get to know you a little better while you are slowly turning on the roasting spit. So while you are screaming in agony above the open fire here are a few more questions for you.

Pick three things you can't live without.

1) My dear boyfriend - he gives great backrubs and has a wonderful sense of humor
2) My girlfriends - because sometimes my sweetie can drive me nuts!! And my girlfriends always remind me of who I am when I forget myself ;)
3) My art supplies!

If we were to make a movie about BlogLand, what would it be and who would you cast in the leading roles?

YAY! After living in LA, so close to Hollywood and Movie-land I have the opportunity to write up a movie I'd LOVE to see that features amazing women...

It would definitely be about women artists, many of them finding their voices and a few matriarchs that have always been artists and they will all converge at a fabulous retreat to make art for a special fundraiser to help more women find their voices. It would star Nina Bagley and Patti Digh as two of the matriarchs, and the women I listed on my list of blogs to read as the younger artists.

I would include a fun scene to have a group of the women put on a 'show number' using the song "That's What Friends Are For" from The Jungle Book - it's definitely a movie about friendship and community!
(Oh! . . . . no starring role for me then!)

If you could live your life again who would you be, and why?

Hmmm, could I go back in time and be somebody else??!? There are so many amazing women in history I would love to live as - Nellie Bly for instance. She is the grandmother of investigative journalism - she posed as an insane patient to get into an asylum and managed to get more funding on their behalf when she reported the appalling conditions they were living in...she really put her own life in danger to get a story and she used the story to help others.

(Aww . . . . I think you are very nice as you are)

You have been given a wonderful talent from above. This causes you to make your mark on humanity and be world famous. In which area would prefer: a best selling novelist, a brilliant artist, a gifted musician, a fantastic singer, a charismatic leader, anything you choose, and why?

I'd be just what I am now - A Creative Beast encouraging others in their own creativity by producing brilliant art!!

Though it might be cool to be a gifted musician - music is amazing and powerful and I love listening and dancing to so many types of it =-)

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

LOL!! You are a naughty boy Eddie!! I HAVE to let the Scorpio in me answer this one!!

If I was an ice cream it would be coffee flavor with chocolate syrup and toffee chunks (I think there is already an ice cream like this!) and I would be happy with ANY of these fellows licking me...as an ice cream of course! ;)

Gael Garcia Bernal (actor)
Hugh Dancy (actor)
Colin Firth (actor)

I don't know if my dear boyfriend is reading this but since I know who his celebrity hottie is, it's fair for me to admit to some of mine!! hee, hee!

(Oh in that case you'd better add to your list . . . . Eddie Bluelights (ex ambulance man/blogger/roast host) LOL)

Describe in one sentence your perfect day.

I'm not sure I can do this in ONE sentence, but I'll try!

(None of you gals can LOL)

A perfect day would include making art, spending time with friends either making more art or shopping for great ideas; it would include some form of movement such as a long walk among trees, a bicycle ride or a dance class and end with one of my favorite meals either made by my dear boyfriend (who likes to cook!) or at one of our favorite restaurants. That would be a perfect day indeed!

If you were a fiction writer which one would you be and why?

I love Patti Digh but she already exists and there can't be TWO Patti's in the world...Or can there?!? ;)
I think I'd like to be Louisa May Alcott - I wonder what it was like to live as a female in a household with progressive parents during a time when women's roles in society were constricted. I know it must have shaped who she became immensely...not to mention the fact that she was writing juvenile literature while also writing what she called her "blood and thunder" stories, now known as Gothic romances - talk about living (writing?!) a double life!

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Back in high school, our dance teacher had us choreograph a dance to a song of our choice and while I was performing for my classmates, I got so excited with the music, I overshot a move, slipped and landed right on my arse!! I did jump right back up and keep going, but for a dancer falling flat on the floor is really embarrassing! I've since learned that "the floor is your friend" and I often incorporate dance moves that consist of me 'falling' to the floor =-)

(Was it a hard or soft landing, I wonder?)

. . . . and if you are really brave . . . .
If you awoke to find you had changed gender what would be the first and second things you would do?

Hmmm, I know my first reaction would be to scream but then again, it might be refreshing to have really short hair for awhile or maybe even a buzz cut!! And to wear nice shirts without having to worry about buttons pulling and popping off due to large breasts...having a body-type like Brad Pitt would be great - he has a figure that can wear just about anything! I don't need his face, just his body type ;)

Not shaving the legs could be a time-saver, though I'd probably have to shave the face...WOW! I'd be able to make more money compared to women! That would be AWESOME!!!

I guess I'd cry though because I do love being a woman, even if I only make .75 to every dollar earned by a man =-\

(Can't have you crying, can we? . . . . so I'm afraid it's back to 0.75 to every dollar, er . . . large assets and no Brad Pitt body!)

This was a fun interview Eddie!! Thank you so much for inviting me to be 'roasted' - I feel quite toasty and warm now! ;)

Your turn to ask me a question if you wish.

Well Eddie, as you may or may not know, I do believe that EVERYONE is creative though it may not always take the form of art. So my question for you is "How do YOU express your creative life?" Aside from blogging that is!

The short answer is, Monica, I don't . . . . . for have not yet found an avenue. Within the blogging world I do a lot of creative writing, as many will know, and this allows me to let loose my weird imagination. There are various examples like a Blogger's Horse Race, A skit on Pride and Prejudice, Mickey the Budgie stories etc. So this has led me to embark on a Comprehensive Writing Course which I had hoped to start when I retired from ambulance duties. Ultimately I would like to write short stories for magazines, radio and television. Perhaps some day I might turn into a creative beast! I have lots of ideas but time to do it remains a problem, what with endless do lists from Mrs Bluelights and driving the minibus for a while and doing other things. Why are there just 24 hours in a day?

Well. we have reached the end of a very enjoyable roast. Thank you for your interview, Monica, and keep creating!! Mrs Bluelights for one does LOL

______________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with The Creative Beast is the 144th

in a weekly series of interviews with bloggers from around the world.
_______________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour

for all published Roasts. To view press HERE

________________________________________________

Please keep your recommendations for The Sunday Roast coming.
For those who would like to know a little more about it, how it started, the nuts and bolts of it etc, press HERE

How To Remove Your Underpants Without Removing Your Trousers

2010-11-29T19:18:00.003Z

I apologise for my recent lack of posts, other than Sunday Roasts of course. I have been extremely busy driving a red mini bus, nicknamed The Red Baron, three days a week for the local council. You may call me Eddie von Richthofen Bluelights. My passengers are mainly little old ladies, picked up from home to the shops, Health Centres, Hairdressers etc. . . . . and to return them safely home, helping them with their shopping and on and off the bus etc. Love the work but alas I shall soon finish because the council has run out of money - a common occurrence these days with cuts in government spending. Shame for little old ladies who all love me of course and for me too because I love them and doing the work and helping them.

Anyway, I have an unusual post for you today - I feel it is something you just cannot wait to discover and try yourselves (joking of course!). It is designed principally for the menfolk but you ladies too can join in if you pinch a pair of hubby's underpants and trousers whilst he is not looking!! Shhh! whilst he is asleep in his chair, pretending to be watching the TV, have a quiet practice and then when you have perfected the craft say, "Oi! bet you can't do this!"

"What?"

"Take underpants off without trousers being removed!"

"Yer joking! . . . Golly! . . . . go on then . . . . . thought it was impossible . . . . show me!"

If yer haven't got a hubby or he is out at the 'boozer' you'll just have to use your charm or beg, steal or borrow some underpants and trousers LOL.

Unfortunately, regarding this miraculous trick, this particular pleasure in life has been denied to me because now I am the proud owner of an artificial hip joint and there is no way I could do this without dislocating my entire left leg, which might fall off. I don't like cheating because if my entire left leg did fall off then I could do this easily. So I'll abstain - that's my story and I'm sticking to it LOL.

This trick may not be quite as dazzling an escape as from a straight jacket, suspended by a flaming rope over a lion's den, but it's a lot safer and, with practice, can be an excellent party feature. The key to success is elasticity, so stretchy pants are best. The cotton shorts type are hopeless and my own laboratory experiments reveal that those with a Y at the front are the ones to go for.

Rules:
You are allowed to bend your body and to stretch or twist your underpants. But tearing holes in any of your clothes is strictly forbidden. You can increase your chances of success by wearing loose trousers and pants but only one size up from normal - otherwise you shall be disqualified as a cheat.

Methodology:
1. Begin by standing upright with legs slightly apart in the military Stand At Ease position.
2. Placing the index and second fingers of the right hand inside the seam of the left inside leg , drag the trouser leg up with the help of the left hand, as far as it will go, exposing your bare thigh.
3. Reach up inside the trouser leg until you can pinch the material of your underpants between your index and second fingers. If you're struggling here, be of good cheer, for by pushing your left arm down the waistband of your trousers you can help things along.
4. Grasping the underpants with the first two fingers of your right hand, pull firmly on the material until the waistband slips over your left hip (under your trousers) and the left leg hole of your pants appears outside the trouser leg. If you hear a nasty tearing noise, you break wind or lose your balance and fall over at this stage I am sorry. Also please refrain from answering the front door if the bell rings at this crucial stage - not a pretty sight!
5. Pull the leg hole and waistband down over the bent left knee and secure your pants there for a moment while you take a breather. If you are 'panting' then you are not very fit.
6. Keeping the left leg bent, pull the pants over your foot and slip it out of the left leg hole and waistband. Release the material so that the pants spring back up inside your trousers. Be careful that the tense elastic does not cause your pants to fly up so fast that your 'pride and joy' is injured (if you are a male of course - I should hate to be the indirect cause of ruining anyone's marital prospects).
7. It should be plain sailing from here. By reaching up inside the right trouser leg, you should be able to grasp the material of your pants and simply slide them down your leg and off your foot with a flourish. Job done! If the front door bell rings in all probability it is the men in white coats calling to take you away.

It is possible to put your underpants back on by reversing the sequence of moves. Or you could just do it in the normal way, like an ordinary human being.

So now you know. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Getting one's knickers in a twist".

When I finally get some more time I am planning to do some more Freddie Bluelights analyses on why men's and women's brains work differently and the consequences. These will be as sequels to those studies already done.
I must do the conclusion of the Eddie's feet saga - remember the Grim Reaper was threatening a hostile takeover of Eddie. How did Eddie deal with that? . . . . watch this space!

Plus, one fine day I will revive The Wizard Of Oz . . . . a big ask at the moment.

Talking of rattling - my teeth are!! It's so cold here in UK and I am told in Scotland temperatures are forecast to drop to -20 degrees C. Not nearly as bad as that here in Southern England around Bristol. I sympathise with the animals that hibernate and if I could I would. I feel I should put on some long Johns, a pullover, a night cap, some socks and go to bed with only my nose showing above the duvet. Good night! . . . . . . "Zzzzzzzzzzz"

The Sunday Roast

2010-11-28T11:09:00.003Z

She May Be Bored But She Packs A Real Mean Blog!

Ah I see you are a cat lover and one of you likes red wine.

. . . . and I am sure people will recognise the donkey.

This week's interview is with Wendy

who writes the blog, Very Bored In Catalunya

Thank you for the interview, Wendy

A very warm welcome to you and your followers

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

Boring answer I’m afraid – for the creative output mainly but I do enjoy the social aspect side of it as well. I first started out with the intention of it being an ex-pat blog but it’s sort of morphed into a Mummy/ex-pat/observational blog about anything and everything. It’s mostly trivial and frivolous with a bit of serious chucked in every now and again to mix it up.

(A sort of BlogLand casserole, then)

What's the story behind your blog name?

It’s exactly what it says on the tin… I have far too much time on my hands and no money to be a lady who lunches or shops, and I live in Catalonia so therefore I am ‘very bored in Catalunya’.

(A good job you have your blogging mates!)

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

Having someone laugh at your posts, well the ones that are intentionally funny anyway. Starting a discussion with your views, generally having your ego massaged by people reading and enjoying your work. The social side of it, twitter, reading and commenting on other people’s blogs is a great added plus, I feel like I have made some genuine friends from blogging and ‘met’ lots of really interesting and diverse people from all over the world, simply by sitting around in my house.

(Inter-reaction in BlogLand can be very interesting and rewarding)

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

Don’t take yourself too seriously, expect it to take a while before you become established in your blogging field and try to stay out of all the nasty/bitchy side of things.

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

Wow, that’s a tough question. There have been posts that have really made me think, posts that have touched me and ones that have educated me, but I am a sucker for humour and love posts that detail the mundane but have you in tears of laughter. Far too many to narrow it down to just one.

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

Not sure that I could really call anything I write ‘significant’ but the post I’d written that got the most response was one entitled ‘I’m a Shit Mum’, I wrote it in frustration and exasperation at the sheer number of posts and articles out there that pit women against each other and try and make giving
birth and parenting a competition.

Which two blogs would you recommend for roasting?

Mommy Has a Headache – a fellow expat Brit based in Baltimore. From Christmas sweaters to
oversized penises, this lady will blog about it all.

The Life and Times of a Househusband – he’s quite a lazy blogger and hardly ever knuckles down and writes anything but when he does it’s comedy gold.

(Thanks Wendy - I will write to them, both new to me)

Pick three things you can't live without.

Wine, Coriander (leaf, the seed I could live without) and the Internet

If we were to make a movie about BlogLand, what would it be and who would you cast in the

leading roles?

It would be a modern day remake of the Dickens classic Great Expectations, I would play Miss Havisham, rattling around an old boarded-up council house with just my laptop for company. I would take out a sized 8 mini skirt from a cobwebbed wardrobe and stroke it affectionately, whilst bedecked in a fading, holey sized 14 tracksuit. With my greasy hair scraped back I would fire off scathing blog posts about my skin’s lack of elasticity and bemoan the youth of today in between ordering bulk loads of stilton online and swigging gin straight from the bottle. The film would flashback on me in happier times (played by Jessica Alba), wearing the size 8 skirt and embroiled in a passionate embrace with Compeyson (played by Jake Gyllenhaal), before he jilts me at the altar having cleared out my Barclays current account after running up massive debts playing online Bingo.
Or something like that.

If you could live your life again who would you be, and why?

Oooh gosh maybe Nelson Mandela without the Robben Island bit, or maybe Brian Clough without the Derby County bit or the Leeds United bit, or maybe just me with longer limbs and a smaller arse?
Actually, yeah I like the last one best.

(LOL, last bit!! But I do rate Brian Clough very highly and agree with him he should have been The England Manager)

You have been given a wonderful talent from above. This causes you to make your mark on

humanity and be world famous. In which area would prefer: a best-selling novelist, a brilliant

artist, a gifted musician, a fantastic singer, a charismatic leader, anything you choose, and why?

Not even in my warped and weird imagination could I pretend to be a gifted musician, I blush at myself when I sing in the car so that rules out the singer, my four year old draws better than I do and I’m only charismatic when I’m pissed which might prove problematic whilst leading a country, although Yeltsin managed perfectly fine (when I say fine, I don’t really mean fine… I’m just saying he ran his country whilst arseholed).

So by default it would have to be the best-selling novelist. I would pen something brilliantly witty but with a gritty northern working class underbelly. A bit of an Irvine Welsh, minus the heroin and with an East Midlands accent.

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

I’d be a double cone because I’m greedy, mint choc chip and cherry chocolate ice cream from my favourite ice cream shop in the next village. And because I am two flavours I get two people to lick me, hmmm let’s see… Jake Gyllenhaal and Scarlett Johansson.

(Interesting!)

Describe in one sentence your perfect day

Wake up to a full English breakfast and tea in bed in a swanky hotel room in New York. T’husband takes the boy off somewhere but leaves me his credit cards and tells me to go shopping and meet some girlfriends for lunch. Later that night a babysitter will miraculously appear from nowhere and we’ll go to a Michelin starred restaurant and have wonderful food and wine. We’ll finish up the night at a club watching a cool up and coming band. Sadly ‘tea in bed’ would be the only part likely to happen in real life.

(One can but dream, I suppose)

If you were a fiction writer which one would you be and why?

One of my favourite books is Saturday Night, Sunday Morning so I would have to say Alan Sillitoe. Gritty working class novel (we’ve been here before haven’t we?) and set in my hometown of Nottingham.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

I think I embarrass myself on such a regular occurrence that no one thing stands out. I am naturally clumsy, completely forgetful and have a tendency to get too drunk quickly – a recipe for multiple embarrassing moments. I can’t think of anything excruciating off the top of my head though.

(The average is right though, Wendy LOL)

. . . . and if you are really brave . . . .

If you awoke to find you had changed gender what would be the first and second things you would do?

Obviously I’d have to test the new equipment, it’d be rude not too, and then I’d dress in some scutty underpants and sit around all day playing on the PS3 scratching my testicles. (Seems to work for my husband).

(Hilarious!! . . . you know all you ladies think we do that! LOL)

Your turn to ask me a question if you wish.

I have two really important life questions…

1. Cheese or Chocolate?
2. As the great Brandon Flowers once asked ‘are you human or are you dancer?’

OK Here we go:
1. Definitely cheese - I am a total addict to cheese and crackers with Branston Pickle - lovely grub. I like mature Cheddar best. With chocolate I can take them or leave them.

2. I know some great dancers but I am not much good at that myself which I guess makes me human, but having said that the dancers I know are very human, particularly when they stop dancing LOL.

Thank you Wendy for your interview. We'll just have a look at your blog screen.

____________________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with Wendy is the 143rd in a
weekly series of interviews with bloggers from around the world.

___________________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour

for all published Roasts. To view press HERE

________________________________________________

Please keep your recommendations for The Sunday Roast coming.
For those who would like to know a little more about it, how it started, the nuts and bolts of it etc, press HERE

The Sunday Roast

2010-11-21T07:42:00.006Z

Magpies, Magpies Everywhere But A Quintessential One Was Not In Sight! . . . . . until now!

Ah! . . . . shh! . . . she's just landed! I know both David and I have been trying to entice this very popular lady onto the show for quite some time. Now at last Mrs Magpie has landed on my roast post . . . that elusive Magpie was very diffficult to catch for my roasting spit. Just as I got very close, brandishing my bird net . . . . she chattered, "Can't catch me! Can't catch me! . . . . and whoosh! - she was off again!

This little fledging Magpie in the making told me, "I am, of course, reading here which has always been a big part of my life. Thanks to my parents, particularly my father, my love affair with books began at a very young age. :-)

. . . and here is her familiar calling card . . . . yes I think now we all know who she is:

This week's interview is with Mrs Magpie
who writes the blog, The Quintessential Magpie

Thank you for the interview - we have been looking forward to this.

Thank you, for having me, Eddie. I'm very honored! :-)

A very warm welcome to you and your followers

Here are the standard questions. Why do you blog?

I blog because I enjoy having a creative outlet to express myself, and it's not fattening, illegal, or deadly. But the main reason I blog is because it allows me to point to other bloggers who have more china than I do when my friends and family accuse me of being a one-woman relief act for Wedgwood and Mottahedeh! ;-)

(Very nicely put!)

What's the story behind your blog name?

The story behind my blog name involves my husband. You see, when I shop for things I love, my eyes light up like Christmas trees. My husband, who thankfully has a marvelous sense of humor (particularly when I'm raiding his wallet), once quipped, "So little time, so many shiny objects for a magpie!" At the time, I was hyperventilating over the booty to be had in one particular antique shop with only a few paltry minutes before the shop closed. And from that moment on, he started calling me "Mrs. Magpie." Then before I had my own blog, I'd been reading design blogs and wanting to comment. So I thought about a screen name. We played around with the name Magpie, and me being the quintessential lover of all things "shiny" (be they animal, vegetable, or mineral), we thought The Quintessential Magpie would work well.

(And it works very well, Mrs Magpie . . . . . . Listen everyone, put all your shiny things away or she'll swoop from the sky and nick 'em)

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

Oh, by far the best thing about being a blogger is all of the interesting people I've met and friends I've made. The Blog world is a microcosm of the world at large, and in a single day, you can entertain people from all over the world in your living room or be entertained in theirs'.

(Those who don't blog don't know what they are missing . . . . are you listening, Mrs Bluelights? LOL)

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

It depends on why you're blogging, but if you are blogging for enjoyment and to meet people you enjoy, an excellent way to do that is to participate in the memes. I participate off and on in several memes and have made some wonderful friends that way. Some friends have actually come to visit us in Florida from other countries (Claudie and Julie) and from other states (Jeanne and Teresa). While other blogging friends have come to visit from other towns in Florida (Becky, Deborah and David), and a few have actually moved to this area of Florida (Rhonda, Lisa and BG). I know one Kim and have met another, and Smiling Sally and I met half way for lunch! It's delightful knowing them both off and on the blog circuit. To that end, I would tell newbie bloggers that they need to visit other people's blogs, take the time to get to know them, and respond on their posts. The best way to make a friend is to be one and to treat others as you want to be treated. Blogging is a reciprocal process, and it's that give and take, as in all of life, that is key to it being a rewarding experience. So go out of your way and visit others, particularly the people who are kind enough to visit you, and you should always leave a shiny comment. You never know whose day you just may brighten or vice versa.

(Excellent advice and I wish I could devote more time to this myself)

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

There are SO many, and I have a hard time limiting this. However, one comes to mind immediately. The post is by my beautiful young friend Carrie of The Vintage Wren who wrote a very personal post about her battle with clinical depression called The Sad Truth . She did this in an effort to help other people who are battling depression to know that there is help available. This post was significant to me because one of my favorite friends took her own life when she was struggling to get a handle on clinical depression. I felt Carrie's post was important enough to post a link on my sidebar.

(A very real problem is clinical depression - my blogging friends will know that my Great Grandfather took his own life because of depression, alas)

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

Oh, that's a good question. I'm not sure I've written it yet. My blog is basically very light-hearted because I feel that people need a place where they can escape and celebrate their inner child. I also think some of the comments I've received outstrip anything I've ever written. But if I must pick one post, I once wrote about a photograph I took of a star and it reminded me of two scripture verses about the star of my own life, the Lord. One thing lead to another, and I mentioned that the photograph also reminded me of a song my sister and I sang to our mother as she lay dying and included links to the song as found on You-Tube. This inspired me to write the post, Sunday Solace: The Light Of The World which was posted on a Sunday (usually a slow blog day), and I was surprised at all of the comments I received on that post. David McMahon of Authorblog also gave it an Honorable Mention as a Post of The Day. Later on, a friend of mine told me how much the post meant to her during her daughter's brush with death and how she had sung to her daughter as well. You just never know whose heart you've touched and how you've touched it through blogging.

(A must read if ever I saw one - I remember it and commenting! . . . . but I intend reading it again)

If you were to suggest two people for roasting who would they be and why?

Oh, I am unable to pick between my friends. I simply cannot. I think everyone in the world has a story to tell, and everyone's story is worth hearing (or in this case, reading). So, please feel free to ask anyone that you find on my blog list.

(Yes this is a difficult question - I'll have a look at your blog list - thanks)

Pick three things you can't live without.

Only three? Okay. First, I cannot live without the Lord and wouldn't even want to try. I can't imagine my days without His companionship and the assurance of His grace. Second, I cannot live without family and friends, and if my family were gone, I would want to make sure I had loads of friends and vice versa. Third, I cannot live without living near water, preferably in Florida which, to me, is paradise. I find such comfort in the beauty of the ocean, lakes, and rivers.

Now, on a lighter note (and I know this is four), I cannot live without china. A girl can NEVER have too much china. I fancy myself the Imelda Marcos of china patterns. The difference is that china is meant to be shared, and shoes aren't! That's exactly how I justify my obsession, oops, I mean my passion for china. ;-)

(Now we know your secret!)

If we were to make a movie about BlogLand, what would it be and who would you cast in the leading roles?

Since I love comedies, the movie would be Blog Land's version of "Nine To Five." I would cast Debbie of Confessions of A Plate Addict in the part of Lily Tomlin because Debbie can deliver a one-liner like nobody's business and is an absolute scream. Then Gloria of The Little Red House With The White Door would fill the Jane Fonda role because Gloria has a sweet, wide-eyed innocent demeanor, but she, too, has Jane Fonda's underlying great sense of humor and loves to laugh. Plus Gloria has a teenage son, and something tells me she could hogtie a boss! Dolly Parton's role would have to be played by Lou Cinda of Tattered Hydrangeas because not only is Lou Cinda a blonde, she is one of the funniest people I've ever known and could carry off the Southern accent and the entire part without batting an eyelash! And just for fun, I would cast you, Eddie, in the Dabney Coleman role, and the rest would be history. No one would remember the previous version! ;-)

Here are the links to their blogs:

Confessions of A Plate Addict

The Little Red House With The White Door

Tattered Hydrangeas

(I am very flattered to be included in this star studded production)

If you could live your life again who would you be, and why?

I would be myself, and I would have all the knowledge and all the life experience (minus the loss of certain loved ones) I have now. I would have the body of a professional dancer, the mind of Einstein (love that man!), and the sense of humor of my father (love that man even more). I would be as engaging a speaker as Maya Angelou, would write like Eudora Welty, would sing like Norah Jones or Eva Cassidy, would have a speaking voice as enchanting as Shelby Foote's (only in female form... maybe Vivian Leigh's) and a grasp of history as solid as his, too. I would finish my doctorate and be a college professor at Flagler College in St. Augustine because it has the most amazing campus I've ever seen. I would teach history and communications courses and make them come alive for my students, and I would take my dog (the greyhound I've always wanted and haven't had yet) with me to work every single day. He would sit around, looking beautiful and bored, hopefully unlike the students. ;-) AND I would be married to Mr. Magpie because I have already married him three times - see my post, True Confessions: I Married The Same Man Three Times . Why do I want to do this? Because you asked! ;-)

(Cracked me up to see the huge shopping list of attributes you would require in your ideal existence. And . . . married to the same man three times!!!! - must read this!! I think you must love him LOL)

You have been given a wonderful talent from above. This causes you to make your mark on humanity and be world famous. In which area would you prefer: a best selling novelist, a brilliant artist, a gifted musician, a fantastic singer, a charismatic leader, anything you choose, and why?

I would be an evangelist, and I would be an evangelist in the form of a Billy Graham because I think his ministry has done more to change the world for good and to spread the Good News of Christ than any other single person outside of the Lord himself. Billy Graham has consistently lived a good and righteous life, and I have never, ever heard him condemn another person. He is a walking, breathing example of what it is to be a good Christian, and he is so sweet and so humble and so kind that he makes me want to be a better person. Plus, what better thing to do in life than to hand people the key for the transformation of their lives and for their assurance of eternal life? I cannot imagine anything finer or better. You'd have a front row seat to see other people receiving the best present, the shiniest object, in the world! Talk about Christmas!

(Fantastic answer - Billy Graham is one of my all time favourite human beings and I admire him for the same reasons. You may be interested to know I have just joined a group of Christians and we are starting a Healing Ministry - very exciting to be an instrument for The Lord)

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

Oh, hands down I would want to be a chocolate ice cream cone (double chocolate or triple chocolate... the good rich kind, preferably with nuts, the kind that makes your eyes roll into the back of your head), and I would want my late dogs (an incorrigible pair of terriers/terrorists) to lick me. Why? Because those two silly dogs loved treats more than anything on earth. I know that chocolate isn't good for dogs, but I would be sure that I wouldn't poison them. As a matter of fact, I am certain they are eating chocolate ice cream out of golden bowls every day in Heaven! Wouldn't you?

Describe in one sentence your perfect day:

One Sentence: I laughed.

(Mission impossible - eh!)

One Faulknerian Run-On Sentence:

My perfect day would be to wake up early on a bright summer morning after a late night at the theatre in London as well as a previous day of touring the British Museum, spend time with the Lord, have a fabulous breakfast with kippers and the works at the Russell Hotel (we stayed there years ago, and the breakfast was out of this world!), catch the train to Scotland where my husband and I would meet some friends at the station in Edinburgh who would then drive us to St. Andrews to have an early dinner in a delightful restaurant (whose name I can't recall) that serves the most incredible barley soup and trout I have EVER eaten, and attend a classical concert at the University of St. Andrews before strolling to the flat we've leased for the summer where we play a rousing game of Pictionary (of which we reign supreme and which is fun no matter who wins), say my evening prayers of thanks, and sleep tight, hopefully without bedbugs biting!

(Sounds good to me!)

If you were a fictional writer which one would you be and why?

I would be Eudora Welty (or I wouldn't BE her, but I would write like her) because she had the most amazingly witty way of looking at life and seeing the humor and the pathos all around her and expressing that on paper. Her humorous stories are funny without the least bit of vulgarity, and she was as eloquent and as literary as any writer who ever lived. Her short stories are unsurpassed, and I prefer them to her novels.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

I have two, and fortunately, I can laugh about both! The first one occurred when I was a small child in a Christmas pageant at church and forgot my lines. You can read about it HERE as I did a blog post about it.

As an adult, the moment of moments would have to be when I went to city hall for an important meeting. I overslept and was rushing, and fortunately I got there and saw some friends who were having cigars on the front steps. One of them looked at me rather oddly, and I jokingly said, "What's wrong? Do I have my clothes on inside out or something?" And he replied, "Yes, unless those are supposed to be there!" With that he pointed to my shoulder pads, and they were sitting on top of my shoulders like epaulettes! I had my sweater on inside out, and it was in the days of "Dynasty" and Joan Collins' shoulder pads! We got quite a chuckle out of it.

If you woke up and found you had changed gender what would be the first thing you would do, and the second thing.

Well, the first thing I would do is see if Mr. Magpie had changed into a woman, and if he hadn't, I would go straight to the nearest monastery and sign up!

(It's about all you could do LOL)

Your turn to ask me a question if you wish.

Of course I want to ask you a question! Magpies are very curious creatures, you know.
"So, Eddie, if you could perform any death-defying feat that you knew you could safely do, what would it be?"

(I've performed a few non safe death-defying feats trying to catch the Quintessential Magpie for this show. I've climbed ladders, walked the plank, climbed trees and goodness knows what!!!

But a little more seriously . . . . . . if it was guaranteed safe it would not have the same the same charisma because I would know I would be OK and there would be no sense of danger. So here I go without a safety net! I would have a go at walking the tight rope across the Grand Canyon without a parachute or a First Aid kit! Do you think I should write my will now? If I couldn't do that I would jump into a lions' den and say, "Boo!". Do you think they would be scared of me?

But to be really serious . . . . I would say I have already done the ultimate death-defying feat. I have given my heart to The Lord and He has promised me Eternal Life. All I had to do was to walk from the world of darkness into His world of light)

Well, we have come to the end of this delightful interview - thank you Mrs Magpie

_______________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with The Quintessential Magpie is the 142nd in a weekly

series of interviews with bloggers from around the world.

________________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour

for all published Roasts. To view press HERE

________________________________________________

Please keep your recommendations for The Sunday Roast coming.
For those who would like to know a little more about it, how it started, the nuts and bolts of it etc, press HERE

Valley's Roast Continued

2010-11-16T21:31:00.004Z

Well, well, well . . . . look what arrived in the post today all the way from Wales.

It is the missing part to Valleys Mam's Sunday Roast

It must have been held up at that famous railway station:

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Seriously, there was a misunderstanding and so I am posting Part 2 of the roast today! Sorry Valleys for the confusion - Eddie strikes chaos yet again LOL.

I'm surprised there is any left from the weekend and my cooking has not turned into my usual lump of charcoal.

Which two blogs would you recommend for roasting?

Change of Personnel and Dylan Jones Evans

Pick three things you can't live without.

Books, aero mint chocolate and Spooks

(Glad someone else is addicted to Spooks! What a finale to the series just finished)

If you could live your life again who would you be, and why?

Cleopatra, loved the eyemakeup

You have been given a wonderful talent from above. This causes you to make your mark on humanity and be world famous. In which area would prefer: a best selling novelist, a brilliant artist, a gifted musician, a fantastic singer, a charismatic leader, anything you choose, and why?

A fantastic singer ,well I am Welsh lol

(I think all Welsh people are great singers - must be the lyrical way you all speak)

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

Vanilla and Alan Rickman

(So now we know LOL)

Describe in one sentence your perfect day.

With my family by the sea in West Wales, lunch in the Harbourmaster's, leisurely stroll after then settle down to read and a snooze before going home for a family dinner.

If you were a fiction writer which one would you be and why?

Lynda La Plant - I just think she is funny happy lady with a great story telling ability.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

One New Years day staying with my cousin in London , going shopping up West and realising when I got out of the car I had my slippers on.

. . . . and if you are really brave . . . .

If you awoke to find you had changed gender what would be the first and second things you would do?

Buy a motorbike and shave off my chest hair.

(You seem to be able to accept dramatic changes with ease VM - LOL. I seem to remember from a comment of yours about my Shakespearean Harley Davidson you once owned a Kawasaki I think!
Yes, just looked up your comment, "We have a kawasaki zzr 1100.sigh that will soon be sold")

Thank you again Valleys Mam for your interview - I'll combine it all soon I promise.
To see Part 1 Press HERE

The Sunday Roast

2010-11-13T11:00:00.006Z

She'll Keep A Welcome In The Hillside . . . and The Vale

(What a fabulous piece of artwork - I've blown it up for us large as I can)

It gives me great pleasure to introduce a lady whom I have known ever since I started blogging. She lives in Wales and comments regularly on the political scene of the day. I know also she is a very warm lady and has a good sense of humour. She has chosen to give us a Traditional Roast today with a straight bat and without my additional questions - but she does raise a very interesting one of her own in her conclusion.

Hey! Just heard - VM wants the other questions - Eddie causes chaos again - I'll give a link to Part 2 at the end of this post - sorry folks

(Love the little motto on the top of your blog)

This week's interview is with Valleys Mam, known as VM
who writes the blog, Valleys Mam

Thank you for the interview, VM

A very warm welcome to you and your followers

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

It gives me an opportunity to comment on the issues and politics of the day. I think it is so important that ordinary people comment and its not just left to professionals. I also think its good to set the example to family; politics is about people and we have a generation or even may be two that are not interested in voting. Democracy is important and we need to keep it on the agenda.

I started, having been inspired by a young blogger called Blammerbell. My daughter who now also blogs encouraged me to have ago –“you are as good as him mam, go for it”. I have always written but not in a journalistic sense, so it’s been an interesting journey, culminating I guess in Iain Dale asking me to write for his Total Politics book on blogging.

I think the question for me now is do I carry on? Do I have the same impetus? I also like the more personal and socially focused blogs, the ones that are more like a diary. But then some politician says something or some organisation raises an issue and off I go again.

I enjoy writing, reading other blogs and posting comments - but it can be very time consuming. Comments can be a blessing and a curse. I guess we have all had our nasty trolls. It has been amusing to me when people think they know who I am and where my bias lies. I have been called everything from Tory Mam to Red Commie Mam. I've been accused of being the wife of an AM, actually an AM and I guess nearest the mark, they think I am one of my closest friends, she isn’t amused lol.

(I suppose in politics, or even writing about it, one is in someone's sights - such a wide range of opinions out there, with strong feelings sometimes)

What is the story behind your blog name?

I needed to blog anonymously because of what I do in the real world. Having been born in Wales and still having my roots there, I did think of a Welsh name, but then that belied my birth place in the Valleys, which isn’t a first language Welsh area. I have always loved the theory of the Welsh Mam in history and literature and do have a Grog of a welsh mam, a present from my daughters. So I combined the two, Valleys Mam or VM as I am often called.

(It's always fascinating to see how these blog names originated)

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

It gives me a vent to my frustration with society . It actually makes me disciplined to read wider than the daily news, to follow through on issues and philosophies. It has made me more rounded in my approach in my work as well.

It has opened up opportunities to write for other sites and for journals. I just wish I had known I enjoyed this before. Who knows I may have chosen a different career path.

Being a political blogger doesn’t really open up for a community of friends in the same way I guess many of your blog friends do. It’s a different animal. I am also one of the few women political bloggers and as such especially in Wales, not one of the boys club. Neither am I party aligned so don’t have the strength of a machine behind me like some. But that also gives me plenty of space to comment.

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

Be true to why you are blogging and have faith in what you write; its yours and not what other people want you to make it.

1. Don’t make posts too long.

2. Be sure to accredit when you use other people ideas thought s quotes etc.

3. Don’t be afraid to be controversial.

4. Humour is good when appropriate.

5. A catchy title draws people in.

6. Illustrations are good.

7. Do not be obsessed with numbers of comments, quality is the key and just because
people don’t comment doesn’t mean they haven't read.

8. Do not be obsessed by visits either.

9. Don’t respond to personal jibes, it fans the flames and often that’s what these
idiots are after.

10. Watch the typos they can turn something serious into a joke.

(Great advice, VM)

What is the most significant post you have ever read?

That changes every week as I always find inspiration and significance. I have favourites that make smile, some that inform me, others that irritate me. Some that I no longer bother to read as they have dumbed down. Eddie I could not choose one.

I have women bloggers that I really respect – like Maggie May, MOB, A Change of Personnel, Wife in the North , NBNAD Woman , Welshcakes Limóncello, Aims. I could go on and sometimes what they say touches my soul and I have been known to cry with them.

(I know most - but not some yet - of course Maggie is my sister, as you probably know)

What is the most significant post you have written?

I think that’s for others to judge. I have had several write to tell me that I have inspired them to start blogging. I have also pushed and probed and made government here rethink some issues, that along with others, they I guess are significant in a way. Some of the most significant I have written and not posted as they would have no meaning to anyone but me.

(And here is an interesting question VM poses)

What irritates me about Blogging –?

The way names of my favourites seem to disappear.

Some great bloggers giving up and leaving a massive gap

Bad language I don’t see the need

Personal attacks by anonymous geeks and trolls, sad souls

Adverts on Blogs do my head in

(I agree it is always a great loss when bloggers quit and it does leave a huge gap. No need whatsoever for bad language or personal attacks of any kind. There is an unwritten Blogging Etiquette which everyone should follow)

Last word – thanks to Eddie for asking, thanks to you dear readers for reading. Feel free to drop by anytime for a cuppa and a welshcake in my gegin (kitchen).

Hwyl -VM

And thank you VM

For Part 2 please press HERE

___________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with Valleys Mam is the 141st in a
weekly series of interviews with bloggers from around the world
_________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour

for all published Roasts. To view press HERE

__________________________________________

Please keep your recommendations for The Sunday Roast coming.
For those who would like to know a little more about it, how it started, the nuts and bolts of it etc, press HERE

Remembrance Sunday

2010-11-10T22:57:00.001Z

I am posting this tribute in advance of our Remembrance Sunday, 14 November. I usually post The Sunday Roast every weekend and I wanted to pay my respects in advance.

Painting of a Spitfire by Barrie A F Clark

This painting hangs on the wall of a local civic hall. Apart from being a beautiful aircraft, it reminds me of all those brave pilots who fought The Battle Of Britain. A battle where we fought alone with our backs against the wall. Defying all the odds, they stood firm and beat back the enemy's constant onslaught of aerial bombardment with their determined dogfights. Britain was saved and we were able to use our land as a springboard, together with our great ally from across the pond, to free Europe of that evil Nazi tyranny once and for all.

Today I bought a poppy from a soldier in the foyer of our local supermarket. I was impressed that people were actually queuing to buy a poppies this year. This I found most refreshing because my feelings were that people might be forgetting the sacrifice young people gave for our benefit. I was wrong.

Perhaps more so this year I felt a wave of gratitude and pride for all those young service men in all three armed services, who fought and died in the great wars, and lesser ones, helping to make this world a better place for us today. Young men, cut down in, and often before, their prime - some as young as 15 and typically under 25. Men who did not know, and never will enjoy what real life is about - marriage, children, a career, grandchildren, growing old together . . . the list is endless.

I took this shot at East Brent, near Weston-Super-Mare, whilst taking a short break from Ambulance Duties in 2008, just after Remembrance Day. I had passed by many times and always intended to use the photograph for a post like this.

The Royal British Legion is calling on the nation to unite in commemorating Remembrance Sunday at the 2010 Cenotaph Parade in Whitehall on 14 November. There will be 7444 veterans taking part in the March past from various regiments, with over a thousand other representatives from other organisations and associations.

A wonderful old gentleman will not be there this year. I speak of Harry Patch who died on 25 July 2009 at the grand old age of 111 years 38 days. So he was alive when I shot my photograph because in London he had just attended the ceremony at the Cenotaph as the oldest survivor of World War One living in Europe. At one point 'Patch' was the third oldest man in the world. I have added a link to this incredible man, known as "The Last Fighting Tommy" . . . . and one of 67 oldest ever men. He fought at the great Battle Of Passchendaele - a hell on Earth.

Harry Patch aged 109

Tonight I was astounded to learn that Harry was born just 5 miles from where I live.
Interestingly, Harry lived 111 years, 1 month, 1 week, 1 day. . . . . . which reminds us of Armistice Day, 11th hour, 11th day, 11th month. Life is full of co-incidences . . . or are they?

Let us never forget them. R I P

The Sunday Re-Roast

2010-11-06T08:27:00.006Z

Why It's My Big Sister, Maggie May

Doesn't she look all sweet and innocent?
And there is Eddie frowning and thinking, "She might look as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth but one fine day I'm going to give her a right royal roasting!" Well, Maggie, I had to wait a long time for this . . . but that day has finally come! LOL.
__________

Welcome to the first episode of The Sunday Re-Roast where bloggers already roasted have the opportunity to review their original answers and to reply to the new questions I ask these days. I shall mix Re-Roasts with new Standard Roasts from time to time to provide a bit of variety.

This week's interview is with Maggie May,
who writes the blog Nuts In May.

A very warm welcome to you and your followers

Maggie appeared on David's Sunday Roast on 28th December 2008 . . . see HERE .

I am pleased to invite Maggie back onto the roasting spit. She says she is vegetarian!
Well, agreed . . . but we are doing the eating, aren't we! . . . . OK! LOL

And Hey folks, listen! - we have a distinguished guest who will perform the cabaret for this very special ocassion - it's non other than her old flame, Rod Stewart. He's done a You Tube just for you, Maggie, and he doesn't mind us all singing along while we read. He is so excited! - notice him jumping up and down and leaping all over the stage! Ronnie Wood apologises he could not make it today - he's rolling his stones somewhere else today.

(Rod is a bit lazy! To galvanise him into action press the arrow in the centre of the You Tube picture above!)

I asked Maggie if she would make any changes to her original answers and surprisingly, after almost 2 years, she said, "No", except what she now considers is her most significant post written." So here we go, combining the old and the new, I give you Maggie May.

Is there anything since your roast you are dying to tell the blogging community?

Since David's Roast, I have grown more confident in the things that I write about. I have faced cancer and chemotherapy and I think these things do change a person's outlook on life. I have learnt to try and live in the present and enjoy what I have and to trust in God. I have started to value friendship in a deeper way and I'm so grateful for people's prayers and good wishes. That has helped to sustain me through difficult times.

(Yes it is wonderful how everyone rallied round you, Maggie, to extend their warmth and support)

Tell us again . . . Why do you blog?

I blog because my son, Sam, set one up for me thinking that I would enjoy it. Before then, I was always writing in longhand and had contemplated writing my childhood memoires! I do blog about some of these memories from time to time. I am now really hooked on blogging, so Sam was right ... I do enjoy it.

(As well as blogging I think you should continue with writing your childhood memories . . . . provided you are kind to your little brother, of course!)

What's the story behind your blog name?

Sam and I wanted to include the name May and I thought of "The May Flower" or "The Maypole" ... but then we decided on "Nuts in May" inspired by the film that we thought was funny in a droll sort of way. Of course, you have to be "nuts" to be a May in the first place! Apologies if there are any others out there!

(I see . . . . I think)

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

The best thing about being a blogger is that I can write about anything I want, when I want, how I want. I have also made so many friends of all ages and I feel that I really know all these people through blogging. Although we will never meet, their opinions are greatly valued by me and I look forward to reading their posts and sharing their lives with them.

(It is certainly a social ocassion every time we blog with a great community)

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

I would advise a newbie blogger to be yourself and write in your own style. Read other blogs that inspire you and interest you. Sometimes I come across a blog and know that I have something in common with that person right away. Look down their blogroll and see who their favourite people are. Leave positive comments if you find an interesting post. Before too long people will get back to you and you will have begun a successful blog that I am sure will bring you much pleasure.

(The only way, isn't it . . . . and it does take time)

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

This is difficult. I have come across blogs that shock me because of the content. Aims from Big Blue Barn West and Suzy from Identity Crisis have written about terrible things that have happened to them in the past and how they have overcome their bad start in life and how sometimes they are still trying.

As well as the posts that I listed, I was moved to tears by David McMahon's post about his mother's dementia? Sorry you'll have to search for that.

(Ok Maggie I've found it!! ABC Wednesday post called D Is For Dementia, and incidentally identified as one of David's chosen self composed posts on his special 100th Edition Roast)

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

My original answer was a post titled Ripples Of Sadness. My posts tended to be funny when I first started writing and then out of the blue, I found myself writing this post and shocked myself, my family and my regular readers with this sudden change. It was a post about how I felt about the suicide of a best friend, looking back after 20 years and it turned out to be a tribute to her and her family. This was a turning point in my writing and the response I got from that post, gave me the confidence to write down my true feelings and not just make light of everything in case I caused offence. As I said before, it's OK to be yourself.

Since I answered this I now feel that I have gone through another great sadness when my son in law became very ill and subsequently died. So I think my posts A Modern Fairy Tale and it's sequel The Resting Place are my most significant posts to date because these were really written from the heart and were of great therapeutic benefit.

(Very moving, Maggie and widely acknowledged by many as great posts)

And now for the additional questions

Which two blogs would you recommend for roasting?

I would go with Ayak from Turkish Delight and Gaelikaa's Diary. Both of these blogs take me to very different cultures and I have learnt so much by reading them.

(Thanks Maggie - I shall write to invite them onto the show)

Pick three things you can't live without.

AIR, WATER and FOOD.

(Err . . . .I see. . . Sounds reasonable . . . . and true LOL)

If we were to make a movie about BlogLand, what would it be and who would you cast in the leading roles?

Let me see...... I think you, Eddie, would have to be in a leading role as it was your idea. I can see you as a magician and I think you would be The Sorcerer's Apprentice who opened a file while casting a spell from Authorblog's Verse and Worse. Something goes horribly wrong and all the Sunday Roasts start expanding and multiplying rapidly. Thousands of cloned Roasts take over everyones' computers and everything goes black and comes to a grinding halt. Some people say a virus called "Eddiegastronitis" is responsible for the ensuing chaos.
Eventually under Maggie May's guidance, Sam May manages to reverse the spell and everything reverts back to the way it was and Blogland continues on its merry way and everyone lives happily ever after.

(Just like a normal day then! LOL. And you said you did not have a creative mind - I think you should set it to music)

If you could live your life again who would you be, and why?

I would come back as myself but with all the experience and hindsight that I have gained over my lifetime now.
Personally, I wouldn't want that to happen as I am looking forward to staying permanently with Jesus in a much better place, when the right time comes, that is. In the meantime, I am enjoying being me in the here and now.

(I think you're right on the button with the ultimate destination though. Maggie)

I would like to feel that I had helped someone, so I would have to be given a scientific brain (which I haven't got) and be able to discover a cure for ALL cancers. That would be good. I wouldn't mind being famous for that!

(That would be wonderful, Maggie, rather like my wish to enter the healing ministry)

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

Mint/choc chip. I would probably let Martin Shaw take a little lick! I should have said Rod Stewart, shouldn't I?

(Shhh! Penny Lancaster is about!! . . . . and you might start Rod singing again!)

Describe in one sentence your perfect day

Looking out onto a beautiful seaside scene on a warm day, with a cool breeze to my face.....settling down to a favourite meal that I hadn't cooked, with my family...... who were all getting on together perfectly and afterwards they would all go away for a while and let me *do my own thing*.

(*Blogging by any chance?* . . . . or shouldn't I ask?)

If you were a fiction writer which one would you be and why?

I would be me, but write on the similar lines of Lesley Pearse.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Difficult to recall what the MOST embarrassing moment was but when I was about 16, I was walking down some steep steps between two shops, when a sudden gust blew up my flimsy skirt right over my face, which was just as well because I was beetroot red.

I would probably laugh about it now.

(I never knew you had a Marilyn Monroe experience!)

. . . . and if you are really brave . . . .

If you awoke to find you had changed gender what would be the first and second things you would do?

I would prod myself to see if I was dreaming. Then go and have a pee standing up because I have always wondered what that would be like.

(Make sure you shoot straight!)
I would probably do all the other things that other bloggers have suggested. However, if I hadn't changed back after a while, I would go and see a doctor to try and have it reversed! I like being female, you see.

(Sorry Maggie - not allowed - afraid you're stuck with it! LOL)

Your turn to ask me a question if you wish.

Brother.......why did you used to throw my teddy out of the window so much? Was it to wind me up? Or were you imagining it was me?

You've always wanted to know that, haven't you? I loved throwing your teddy about for three reasons:

1. I had a silly doll called Peter. Goodness knows why Mum and Dad gave me that ridiculous thing! I hated it! . . . but I loved your Teddy and I wanted it. When I knew I couldn't have it I got very frustrated and so I threw it about whenever I could just to annoy you..

2. You were a naughty girl! You used to get me to do naughty things and then tell Mum! The only way I could get back at you was to throw your Teddy out of the window and watch you get annoyed for a change LOL. I actually never imagined I was throwing you out of the window.

3. You had an extremely annoying habit of always being the last one to say, "Nite Nite" before we went to sleep. Just as I thought I had won and I was dropping off to sleep I heard a little voice say, "Nite Nite!" LOL . I was furious . . . so Teddy went out of the window again.

But all this is long gone history . . . love you to bits today and even in those days we often sat together and had a little cuddle:

Thanks Maggie for the interview - it was great fun . . . . and, "Nite Nite!" LOL

Today's Sunday Re-Roast is with Maggie May of Nuts and May and is
the 140th in a weekly series of interviews with bloggers from around the world.
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This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour for all published roasts.
To view press HERE.
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I am reverting to posting The Sunday Roast on a Saturday - far more poeple visit and comment on Saturday - I have found Sunday to be dead in BlogLand.

Please keep your recommendations for The Sunday Roast coming.
For those who would like to know a little more about it, how it started, the nuts and bolts of it etc, press HERE