The Sunday Roast

You'll be thoroughly Dazed When this lady Breezes in

(Hmm! One of The Kids from Twilight, eh! and with Edward too!)

This week's interview is with Carolyn Parsons (aka Breeze)
who writes the blog Breeze Daze.

Carolyn recently published her first poetry book,
Wind Rhymes; Poetry from the Breeze.

This is her first publication though she is working
on a novel that will be published in 2010.

Thank Carolyn for appearing on the show and
I extend a warm welcome to you and to your followers.

Thank you Eddie for giving me the opportunity to be roasted by you!
I'm flattered you asked me and honoured to say yes! I wonder if
I'm the first veggie you've roasted?

(Yes, the first veggie I have roasted, but not sure about David)

Eddie, I'm having so much fun with this roast . . . .
I'm getting a little crispy but that happens to roasted peppers . . LOL

____________

Now folks I am adding a new feature to the Sunday Roast - one I hope you'll like.
I'm conducting an extended interview with some brand new questions
tacked onto the end of the existing questions.

Roast victims can select all, some or even none of these extra questions but if they answer them all they get to ask me one just question on anything they like, to put me on the spot.
What am I letting myself in for I wonder?

Carolyn is particularly brave since she has elected to answer ALL my questions so I know I am in for a rough time, and boy what a question she asks me later on!!!

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

I started blogging when I decided to try to rejuvenate, restart a writing career that stalled over 20 years ago when I decided to go into the business world instead of following the dream of my heart to become a writer. I set up my first blog to practice my writing, which was entirely rusty and as a place of positivity and hope and inspiration for others who feel the undeniable need to follow their dreams. I have since started 3 other blogs that have varying purposes. Weighless and Weightless, Other Than Mother and The Stratford Poetry Society are all different manifestations of my attempts to follow the callings and purposes of my heart. My main focus though is BreezeDaze. Lately I've been posting mostly poetry and excerpts from my novel which is in second draft right now and will hopefully be published in 2010. I have a poetry book called Wind Rhymes due to be published very shortly and all of the poetry is from the BreezeDaze blog! Since putting it on paper I have nearly enough new poetry for a second poetry book!

What's the story behind your blog name?

The name was kind of a lucky accident. One of those strange coincidences that sort of show up right when you need it to. My 15 year old daughter has always called me Ocean Breeze and I've called her sunshine. My then 5 year old daughter, Sophia decided we should all have "Nature names" So Alyssa became Storm, Christina remained Sunshine, Sophia is Lady Bug and Martina is Rose Petal. She decided Daddy should be Ocean and me just plain Breeze. When I was setting up the blog I was looking for a name for it that sort of gave an impression of nature and inspiration and the security words for the blog that came up were "Breeze Daze" and I popped it in impulsively without a second thought. I see it as a gift, it works perfectly and I was pleasantly surprised when people started addressing me as "Breeze" on the blog! How ideal!

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

The friendships. It's amazing the wonderful people who fall into your little space on the blog. I read blogs daily and feel sort of a strange intimacy with the people that you don't get even in real life. I've got a strange mix of people that I read and I've learned so much about other people's challenges and triumphs! Also it's very giving. When I have a triumph everybody celebrates as though it were their own. It has spilled over into my own life because it's very important to walk the walk. I volunteered as a television news reporter for our local Cable news Stratford First Local (I've been recognised a few times even!), I have a poetry book due out soon, I've got a poem being published in a Michael Jackson Memorial Anthology that I submitted due to a blogger's suggestion, I've got other poetry coming out, two in anthologies and a third in a Canadian Poetry Journal! Exciting things have happened and it's all been directly related to blogging and my desire to make what I write true. How can I tell others to get out there and follow their dreams, make things happen if I'm not out there doing the same! My life has altered completely since the time I started this blog at the end of January, 2009! Now that I've just put it in writing I see the miracle in it all! I highly recommend everybody start blogging!

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

To write about what you love. To put your dreams and your reality into it. To use it and allow it to serve you. Don't be concerned about the writing and the readers, they'll love you and come back if you are honest and real. And let it evolve. Let it become what it was meant to be. Don't compare it to others, your blog can only be your blog, not anyone else's. Many people told me I needed to take photos, that a blog wouldn't work without photos but I'm not a photographer, I'm a writer. I have 4 children and don't get outside much to leisurely photograph things I write about. So I skipped it. I snaffoo some off the internet occasionally but usually my poems are my pictures with words. I am a descriptive writer and it works for me. Be yourself and it'll work!

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

That is a difficult one but my friend Debbie writes the most heartfelt, significant posts you can imagine. She wrote this one recently that was so honest and true and left me with such admiration for the way she's raising her family, on her own, managing to practice forgiveness for those who have hurt her in life and putting her children's happiness above her own at every turn. Any post like that leaves me in awe and wonder at the beauty of humanity! It reaffirms my own personal opinion that humanity is full of good though the news media would have us believe otherwise.

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

I think I got the most feedback from this post that I wrote early on. I had people say that it inspired them to change the way they approached their life and change their whole attitudes. It also helped me reaffirm my own beliefs and attitudes about life. That life isn't about what happens but what you do with what happens. Stuff happens, bad and good. If you deal well and optimistically with the bad and humbly and gratefully with the good then you've got it pretty much figured out.

If you were to suggest two blogs for roasting who would you pick, and why?

Can I pick three? I would pick Debbie at Single Mom in a Complicated World because she's amazing and strong and wise, Lisa at Transcripts of a Significant Life for pretty much the same reason and Chuck at Half Moons and Maiden Names because everybody should read this blog from a very talented writer. He posts beautiful excerpts from his newest book on there, brilliant and poetic.

That concludes the formal aspect of the interview, Carolyn, but it would be nice to get to know you a little better while you are turning slowly on the roasting spit. So while you are screaming in agony above the open fire here are a few more questions for you.

Pick three things you can't live without (no you cannot have ice cubes to cool you down while I roast you!)

1. My hubby, of course I mean in the purest, most spiritual and emotional sense, so haul your minds out of the gutter folks (and btw he always lets me have ice cubes if I want! - you meanie, Eddie!)

2. Writing . . . . it's my life and how I spend every free moment, and

3. Reading

What, only three? Where do I list red wine, chocolate, and cat herding?

Don't be greedy - I said three and you have given me six!

If we were to make a movie about blogland, what would it be and who would you cast in the leading roles?

I'd call it "Blog with the Wind" and it would star the dashing and ever so exciting George Clooney as Eddie Bluelights with Sandra Bullock as Sassy Scribbles, the demure but feisty heroine. I'd probably get Cathy Bates to play me, the quirky but lovable mother figure.

OK mummy! (LOL) I know this movie! It was directed is Cecil B de Thrill. Eddie and Sassy have just had a huge row because, as well as burying two husbands, Sassy spends most of the movie chasing that drip Ashley Wilkes, thus cruelly rejecting all Eddie's advances. Eddie is about to storm out of her life for ever when she goes Scarlet and realises it is Eddie she loves after all. She pleads with him, begging him to stay, crying, "Fiddle-dee-dee, Eddie, how can I live without you, Eddie?" As he walks out of their large mansion front door he snarls at her saying, "Frankly dear, I don't give a damn!" She stamps her feet in a tantrum and decides to go back to Blogger just as the music cuts in with "Blogger's Theme". She is determined to get Eddie back, and makes her epic soliloquy performance, "Blogger, blogger, yes, Fiddle-dee-dee, I must go back to blogger - I always get my strength from blogger - yes I will go now and I will make sure I will never ever be hungry again! . . . . because after all, . . . . . . tomorrow is another day!"

Oh shut up, Eddie . . . . . you do go on . . . . . let me continue!
There is a disaster. Blogger goes down and Sassy and Eddie search facebook frantically, trying to find each other - searching over and over. They look everywhere with the help of me and the other bloggers, who love a good romance. Of course there is a happy ending when blogger comes back up, Eddie clicks the next blog and he knows everything is now alright again. Romantic music commences as he sees a post with a hand written title, neatly scribbled, 'Oh! Fiddle-dee-dee, Eddie!', and he knows he has found his true love again because he sees a photo and . . . . . . . . . . . it's Sassy!

Now that sounds a great ending to a romance story and I like your choice of heroine - did Sassy put you up to this? - Next question!

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

I'd be caramel and chocolate with pralines . . . . and some nuts . . . who would lick me? That guy who plays the teacher on Glee! Or either of the hotties of the Twilight movies . . . I'm down with the vampires and the wolves though I think I have to wait until the wolf boy turns 18 before I give him any, um, icecream!

I can almost hear him howling! Or is that Laughing wolf waiting to be roasted? Yes, folks, his turn will come soon when he gets round to writing it - hurry up, man!! - Next question

Describe in one sentence your perfect day.

My perfect day would be me with my healthy and happy family, outside, in the sunshine with me writing on a brand new laptop, hubby playing with the kids as I read blogs as I finish my first novel!

Ah! That's nice. I hope your perfect day comes soon.

If you were a fictional writer which one would you be and why?

I'd be Stephen King . . . because he's brilliant and I need cash! I would likely be afraid to sleep at night though, I'd scare the hell out of myself!

Then write it at night, woman, and get on with it! - and don't forget to cut me in on the royalties!

And finally I invite you to ask me one question - it's the least I can do after all this. OK fire away! I wonder what it will be - hope it's an easy one!

My question for you, Eddie, is: boxers, briefs or commando?

What kind of 'pants' question is that? The Y-ffrontery of it indeed! Oh! I suppose you want me to give you a short answer to this, don't you? You should have de-briefed me first about this before putting me on the spot and catching me with my trousers down!

OK - my answer is I wear what all ex ambulancemen wear! Oh dear we have run out of time! Hear come the commercials! Saved by the bell!

Thank you Carolyn - this has been great fun
and thanks for being such a good sport.

I was amazed how quickly Carolyn sent me her original roast draft.
I invited her by email on a Friday evening and by Saturday morning
I received the whole 'shebang' in my inbox - incredible service Carolyn,
no wonder you almost won my Grand National Horse Race LOL.
___________________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with Carolyn Parsons is the 94th in a weekly
series of interviews with bloggers from around the world. ___________________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour
for all published Roasts. To view press HERE ___________________________________________________

How Does Santa Do It?

Santa's Incredible Annual Logistics With Limits Set By
Einstein's Special Theory Of Relativity (1906)
(Oh Bother! That's another 3 points on my licence)

Now pay attention to your new Science Professor.

(As my old Maths Teacher used to say, "Watch the board while I go through it!)

I am attempting to show just how hard Santa Claus (or as we say in UK, Father Christmas) has to work every Christmas Eve in order to deliver all those presents to all those dear little children all over the world. To do this I need to explain Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, no less!

I am not alone wondering how Santa does it because each and every year countless million people also marvel at just how Santa manages, without fail, to avoid disappointing even one little child!

Recently there has been a spate of scientific research on this subject, published in various ‘scientific’ journals. Their findings remain inconclusive.

With 300,000 animal species still to be classified some outlandish scientists have not entirely ruled out the possibility of flying reindeer.

However, their calculations about Santa’s big night were not so encouraging.
Excluding those countries that don’t go in for Christmas, they calculated that Santa has to deliver presents to 378 million children in 91.8 million homes. Travelling east to west, he would have only 31 hours to do his work.

Consequently, there would be no time allowance for certain activities frequently attributed to Santa, including getting stuck up chimneys, kissing mummies under the mistletoe, waving to the population while saying, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas”, to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

It is thought also that neither can Santa's reindeer find time to stop for carrots every five minutes.

For his annual journey Santa would have a mere 1/1000 of a second to arrive at and stop at each home, shin down the chimney, fill the stockings, eat a mince pie, drink a glass of sherry, shimmy back up the chimney and get the sleigh moving to the next home. He’d have to cover 75.5 million miles at an average speed of 650 miles a second – 3,000 times the speed of sound at almost the speed of light, which is 670 miles a second in case you did not know.

Taking the average present to be a 1 kilo Lego set, the sleigh’s payload would be 350,000 tons, four times the weight of the QE2. Travelling at 650 miles per second the air resistance would cause the lead reindeers to absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy. They’d instantly burst into flames and cause horrendous sonic booms, which would wake up all the kids, screaming, "Mummy! Mummy!"

Santa, not the fittest of individuals, would be subjected to 17,500 times the force of gravity, pinning him to the seat with a force of 4.3 million pounds. Of course each time he stopped to deliver a present he would be subject to a reverse thrust of equal magnitude due to his instant decelerations. His entire journey of 75.5 million miles would be subject to these constant and oscillating forces of acceleration and deceleration, making him feel decidedly dizzy and causing him to 'throw up' all his mince pies which people keep insisting he stuffs his face with.

The sleigh designers did appreciate he would have to hold onto the reins very tightly and have to have powerful seat belts to avoid being catapulted out of his sleigh with these constant ferocious oscillations. There is great concern about whether Santa will be able to keep his head on his neck let alone survive a constant attack of whiplash for 31 hours.

When they were confronted with these gargantuan problems the world’s leading scientists instantly gave up searching for answers to cold fusion and their car keys and instead turned their minds to the Santa problem. Dr Arnold Pompos of high energy physics research facility Fermilab found an answer that seemed to solve the question of Rudolph’s red nose. Astronomers measure speed with the Doppler Shift. Colours change the faster a body moves as the light waves catch each other up. Rudolph’s red nose would change colour as he accelerated, first turning yellow, then green, then blue, then violet before shifting into infra red and ultra violet rendering him invisible. Additional acceleration to his cruising speed of 650 miles a second would cause Rudolph’s nose to emit powerful and harmful x-rays and gamma-rays. Dr Pompos estimated that Santa would be travelling at 99.99999 per cent of the speed of light, stopping and starting constantly.

There is considerable debate within scientific circles concerning Santa’s ability to consistently challenge the laws of physics during his Christmas assignment. Normally Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity (1906) states that when anything with mass, including Santa, his sleigh, his reindeers and all the presents, approaches the speed of light, it’s mass increases horrendously and the amount of energy required to propel the payload ever faster increases enormously – ultimately requiring all the energy in the universe to actually attain the speed of light itself. Scientists are totally baffled because Rudolph and his friends seem quite capable of the task, fuelled only by the odd carrot now and then.

One scientist sighed and concluded that Einstein’s theory seems totally wrong – as were his other observations, backed by his equations, that the length of the sleigh would decrease to zero at the speed of light itself and simultaneously time would decrease to zero. And, of course if it was possible to travel faster than light time would start to reverse. Under these extreme circumstances of such high speed scientists expect a phenomenon known as Time Dilation to kick in. Known science insists that this should be a problem to Santa, yet apparently this is not so because Santa is quite able to deliver his payload every year without fail. Most scientists would expect that because of Time Dilation, Santa would not age at all during his miraculous journey but the children would age considerably faster by comparison and be totally fed up with waiting for him to come year after year, and seemingly never arriving, causing them to bawl to their mummies that Santa had not come yet again! "Where are our presents?"

Scientific theory predicts that when Santa actually does deliver his presents the children may not be children anymore but old men and old women. One boffin suggested that not one of them would remember who Santa was and not even remember ever hearing the words, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Others think that because of Time Dilation Santa would get caught in a time tunnel and deliver many year’s presents in one go and the children would have all their Christmases at once!

Some sceptics do not agree and have come to the conclusion that no-one has ever seen the real Father Christmas because he travels too quickly so mums and dads have to deliver the presents themselves. Others rubbish this as totally ridiculous. "Impossible!" they say.

Dr Roger Highfield, science editor of the Daily Telegraph, thinks that Santa does deliver on time year after year and uses special heat shields to protect himself as well as powerful warp drives, similar to those used by Captain James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. “Those recent scientific papers are outrageous!” he said, “We know Santa delivers those presents on Christmas Eve as reliably as we know Rudolph’ nose is red.”

(and then, presumably, yellow, green, blue, violet and invisible)

“This is all total rubbish!” was the opinion of another eminent professor, who is considering exactly what Einstein means by his theory that powers the universe, E = Mc (squared). He is of the opinion that Santa has total control over how to harness as much energy as he wants from the formula, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.

He pondered, "But just how they all are able to withstand such sustained violent, gigantic and oscillating gravitational forces, who knows? And how does Santa manage to consume 378 million mince pies and glasses of sherry in just 31 hours without having the time even to visit the bathroom?”

The mind boggles!
Can anyone please come up with some sensible solutions to these problems?

_______________________


Thank you for all your sensible suggestions attempting to unravel this mystery.

In truth it seems we must bow to magic where science has no influence.

Yet I do have a little addition to my post, following an email received from Santa's organisation deep in the heart of Lapland or is it the North Pole? Does anyone know where he really lives?

Anyway, wherever he lives, he says all this is a load of balderdash! In truth he travels at the speed of light, no faster and no slower! Without giving too much away he said when travelling at the speed of light time stops still (this agrees with Einstein!). This means he has loads of time to do all the fetching and carrying, climbing down chimneys whilst consuming mince pies and sherry, kissing mummies and everything else Santa does. To him time runs as normal because he is travelling on a beam of light. He continued his explanation, saying if he travelled faster than light time would start to go backwards (also true) in which case he would not know whether he was coming or going. The implications of all this would be instead people thinking he was saying, "Ho! Ho! Ho! he would actually be saying, "Ho" Ho! Ho! but people would in hear him saying, "Oh! Oh! Oh!" and concluding he was feeling a bit poorly. He proved this to me by saying the word, "Cigarettes" and I heard it backwards as "Asparagus". This is the only word which makes sense backwards and he proved it in reverse by saying, "Asparagus" and I heard, "Cigarettes".

QED

I hope this makes it all a little clearer.

The Sunday Roast

Grumpy by Name but not by Nature

This week's interview is with Ken
who writes the blog Grumpy Old Ken .

Thank you Ken and a warm welcome to you and your followers.
(You were one of the first people I 'met' in blogland
and I just love your monthly 'alternative news' feature)

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

No single reason. I always wanted to be a journalist when I left school so I suppose blogging is the nearest I will ever go to that youthful ambition. Plus it’s a creative pastime that tests the old grey cells, always a good thing, especially for geriatrics! There is no pressure unless self inflicted. But the skies the limit, so to speak. How far you go is up to you. You can ‘dabble’, dawdle along at your own pace, or you can learn the technical intricacies and become an expert in the field. But no one will mind either way, it’s up to you. But one thing is certain. You will make new friends and have your horizons widened in a way you never thought possible. Other people’s blogs are often a joy to behold. Yours also will be one day if you persevere!

What’s the Story behind Your Blog Name?

An obvious play on the TV programme entitled ‘Grumpy Old Men’. And it works, everyone seems to remember the moniker Grumpy Old Ken. It is also an excuse to be grumpy on occasion, though I would argue I’m normally ‘of a sunny disposition’. Others close to me might disagree!

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

There are so many reasons. The challenge of something new; something 21st century; the friendships made; the knowledge learnt. All excellent reasons to get out of bed in the morning! A habit never to be underrated as the years roll by!

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

Blogging is an exciting world, full of surprises. It can be very frustrating at times but capable of giving much pleasure. However difficult you find it at times, persevere, enjoy it, be confident that you will improve and you most surely will. Read other people’s blogs and learn from them. Comment regularly on other blogs but always positively.
Resist the temptation to show others how clever you are. (Unless giving help or advice.) Nobody likes a ‘clever dick.’ And never write comments ‘under the influence’. It might seem a good idea at the time but believe me, comments are there ’for life’ so to speak. Who was it who said, ‘I will speak ill of no man and all the good I know of everyone’. Sound advice!
Be sincere and be truthful in both your comments and your blog content.
Probably the most difficult decision for newcomers to blogging is trying to judge how much to blog, what on and how often. A common error initially is to blog on every conceivable subject during every waking hour. Basically we write best on what we know best. Obvious when you think about it. (That is not to say we cannot write about the big wide world but do so with care.) We all find our level and what suits us. I personally blog roughly every five days. I love blogging but it is only part of my life. Don’t let blogging take over, so to speak. The world is full of bloggers, now ex-bloggers who ran out of ‘puff.’ You must enjoy your blogging. It has to be a pleasure; NOT a chore. In time you will learn what suits YOU, both content wise and frequency of blogging. ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ is a cliché but also a truism. Don’t worry too much as to your own personal blogging style. It will come, believe me. You do not need to imitate any of the brilliant bloggers there are out there and there are many. (That is not to say we cannot learn from others.) Be confident in your ability without being arrogant. Be proud of your efforts but never, ever get carried away by your own importance. Don’t be jealous or envious of others. Take pleasure from other people’s blogs. You will find that the majority of bloggers appreciate the efforts of others, particularly probationers who find the whole thing far from easy. Incidentally, if, like me you find the technical side particularly difficult, ASK. (What is obvious to the experienced blogger is not necessarily so to the rather green newcomer.) The majority out there love to share their expertise. For even the greatest were once beginners.
I have been blogging around eighteen months so I am a mere novice, something I never forget. (I have all the books, including Blogging for Dummies and I can understand virtually nothing of what they are trying to teach me!) And if, after a while you become, in your eyes at least the best blogger in the universe, remember the days when you were a keen but ignorant apprentice on the blogging scene. For when YOU are giving advice to newcomers, young and old and getting pleasure from sharing your newfound expertise you will have truly arrived!

What is the most significant blog post you’ve ever read?

There are several bloggers whose sheer professionalism and expertise encouraged me to persevere. For instance,
A Woman of No Importance,
Fat, Frumpy and Fifty
and VioletSky ,to name but three.

But I have probably been most influenced by Akelamalu, author of the blog Everything and Nothing. This lady put together the story of her paternal grandmother, entitled Kit’s Story. I have been involved with an autobiographical work seemingly forever. In times of doubt Kit’s story has encouraged me to persevere, one day I promise it will be finished!
(How interesting that all four bloggers are ladies. The emancipation of the female sex has definitely arrived!)

What is the most significant blog post you have ever written?

None of my blog posts could be considered of world shattering importance.
I was pleased with a very early blog entitled 'An OAP let loose in the 21st century' (27th April 2008.) Remember, 'Pride comes before a fall.' It elicited no comments whatsoever!

'Health and Safety Rules OK' (18th Dec 2008) amused me if no-one else.

Similarly, 'Silly Old Granddad’s Night in the local' (26th July 2009) stretched my brain, providing me with a chance to air the oldest jokes in the kingdom!

Three not very serious blog posts probably soon forgotten.

But two blog posts that might possibly stay in the memory longer, a more serious side to Grumpy Old Ken.

'A City Shamed' (4th Oct 2008) in my first choice. The story is of a young boy’s suicide, which incidentally again drew no comments, plus, my second choice, 'Ted Arthur Roberts' (16th April 2009). These represent opposite ends of the spectrum; life ends and life begins.

If you were to suggest two blogs for roasting who would you pick and why?

Any of the three blogs of the ladies referred to above would make excellent choices.

Akelamalu's blog, Everything and Nothing, was the subject of the Sunday Roast number 10 dated April 6th 2008.)

Thanks, Eddie for the chance to ‘pontificate’, my apologies for stretching the rules. A geriatric privilege perhaps!

Note from Eddie: Some great advice here Ken and as you say, Akelamalu has been roasted. To see her roast press HERE - she is well worth another read.

Also, Saz of Fat, Frumpy and Fifty was roasted on 12 April 2009 and this too is well worth reading again - to see her roast press HERE

_________________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with Ken is the 93rd in a weekly
series of interviews with bloggers from around the world. _________________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour
for all published Roasts. To view press HERE
________________________________________________

And finally, as from next week I am introducing five new questions to the column, requiring short answers. These will feature at the end of the formal section of the interview. These questions are light hearted and designed to introduce additional humour to the occasion.
I hope you like them.

And . . . . if all five questions are answered you get to ask me a question and put me on the spot.
Aren't I brave?

The first new style roast is ready and is a hoot, I promise!
And I have just recieved the additional answers for the week after that - very funny too!

767 Weddings, 2 Irate Vicars And Almost A Funeral - END

Conclusion

(Continued from Episode 4)

James Pendletons of all shapes and sizes, fat ones, thin ones, small or large, handsome or ugly or just plain, all entered the church to Bach’s Toccata and Fugue, played yet again by the talented organist. There were so many Pendletons he followed this masterpiece of music and recital by all his other party pieces -again to tremendous applause and he finished with a bow to the audience who brought the house down with their clapping and shouts of "Encore".

Both vicars, shaking their heads in protest, were rather peeved at this latest delay. However, there were sounds of approval and satisfaction between all the Elizabeths and James as each one inspected their range of suitors and with remarkable speed they selected a James or Elizabeth to their liking. Before long they had rearranged themselves, each James with an Elizabeth sitting on his lap since there were no more seats available. The fluttering of eyelashes sounded as though the whole congregation was situated inside the centre of a large bee colony.

1534 people all smiled profusely at their new partners, making eyes at each other. Yet there remained still two bridesmaids who burst into tears. The vicar ambled over to them to enquire how he could comfort them.

“We are both 25 and have no partner still – we too do not want to be left on the shelf”, explained one pretty young lady.

“I cannot imagine that you ever could be, either of you. What are your names?” enquired the vicar.

Together they replied, “Elizabeth Pendleton."

"What! - more Elizabeths and both Pendletons!" exclaimed the entire company.

"We are first cousins once removed from each other. We are related to James Pendleton from Liverpool as his second cousins once removed. Elizabeth is a very popular name, as is Pendleton, but the family tree researchers have not found us yet so alas we belong to nobody and cannot find our rightful place in the family tree which is becoming terribly complicated, demanding acres and acres of paper to get all the details down. We are not there - anywhere! It is most upsetting! Oh why can't they find us, and find a partner for us?”

“Well, I may be able to assist you my dear", said the vicar addressing the first young lady, who was the most attractive, of course. “I am unattached and available – will I do as suitor?”

“Oh yes your reverence! Anyone would do really! Em, sorry! But you will do nicely - yet, sigh, I had hoped for a James”.

“Well, actually I am a James, my full name is Reverend James Evans. I would be honoured if you agreed to be my wife, if I may be so bold and if you forgive the speed of my affection.”

“Oh, yes, I’m so happy”, said Elizabeth, "I have a James at last!"

“Then that is settled”, said the vicar, “We shall make the arrangements for our wedding. Perhaps Reverend Harding would kindly do the honour this day!”

“Excuse me!” said the organist, addressing the second ‘available’ Elizabeth Pendleton, “my name too is James Evans and I would be honoured if you would be my wife - you look decidedly musical if I may say so - I can tell by your hands - I would think they span an octave and three, at least! And your Adam's apple looks as though you have a wonderful singing voice.”

She replied 'A Capella' in a beautiful soprano voice which rattled the chandeliers, “I am very musical and you are so observant. I can sing well and I play well. Does that mean I can get to play on your organ?” She finished her sentence in a loud crescendo, which made everyone gasp.

“My word, what a voice! Certainly, come up and join me in a duet - I will share my keyboard with you and we can share our lives together! I cannot imagine how musical our children will be!"

“Then that is all settled, everyone is happy”, said Vicar Evans, “may I proceed now you have all settled down with your chosen ones? I am getting extremely nervous because I am due to officiate here for a funeral service, scheduled after this wedding, in 5 minutes and we've barely started with this wedding - all these extra bodies have multiplied the time factor by a thousand, and . . . . . . !”

Walter interrupted . . . . "Excuse me Vicar, a horse driven hearse has arrived outside with a coffin, some guests and funeral Paul Bearers. Also quite independently three others have arrived - a gentleman describing himself as the Bishop with two nuns attending."

"Oh! jeepers! Just what I wanted, I must say! How embarrassing! Show them in - I guess I'll have to modify the service yet again! What a mess I am in now!"

At that precise moment Marguerite's MP3 player turned itself on with the volume set very loudly. Everyone was spellbound because this miraculous little machine emitted some strange music - it was playing a long Cajun Waltz and although all the folk there did not know this modern music they all knew a waltz when they heard one. Soon their feet started tapping in beat to the music and beating time, 1,2,3 and 1,2,3 - especially the ladies.

With the music in full flow the Bishop and two nuns strode into the church. The Bishop looked rather amused and addressing the vicar said, "We've heard you are having one of your a 'doos' here, Rev Evans, and thought we'd pop over - your 'parties' are far more interesting and amusing to us than playing croquet, aren't they my sisters? Quite a 'hoot' usually! judging by all these ladies sitting on these gentle men's laps. Can anyone join in, or is this some kind of game you are introducing into the church?

"Tell me, what do you want me to say to the funeral entourage - they've been waiting for an hour and the deceased is getting decidedly impatient, although he's not doing much to complain at the moment! Better get it sorted soon before he wakes up and asks, why the delay!"

"Wheel them all in, please!", said the flustered vicar.

"Don't let me stop your enjoyment", said the Bishop, "please play that music again, we rather like it don't we sister Mary and sister Joan? Rather fitting for a hearse and a body entering the church to a waltz, methinks, if that won't wake him up then nothing will! Quite unusual, Vicar! but innovative, I would say. It might well catch on!"

The sisters nodded in approval.

The music started again and Marguerite made a beeline for Eddie, "Come on cher, at long last we can have a little cuddle to my music - dancez avec moi - we can do a little Cajun Waltz because you have been a very good boy lately - don't be shy you gorgeous British gentleman, I will not bite you and I've had my breakfast already, shrimps and crayfish, so you are quite safe!"

Eddie, not the best dancer in the world, nodded, saying, "Enchante!" and counted "1,2,3 and 1,2,3" to get the feel of the dance and then he took the plunge. How could he refuse? Both the lovely Marguerite and the music beckoned him and shortly both organists joined in as well, revelling in a new musical slant which bound them as something they enjoyed in common.

Marguerite remarked that the Cajun Two-Step may be a little difficult to learn at short notice so she had programmed in the Cajun Waltz instead. Eddie took her in his arms and they waltzed expertly down the aisle as if they were magically charmed by Marguerite's leopard skin shoes - once they started to dance it seemed they could not stop.

"Ooh you are so strong, Eddie, quelle muscle avec votre jambes. Now you have caught me, Mr Bluelights, what next are you going to do?"

"Oh! Err! Oh" Er, I'll think of something!"

"I thought you wanted to whisper sweet nothings in my ear as you commented so politely on my blog! What a lot of sweet compliments you make! What did you want to say to me, cher?"

"Er, nothing as yet! Er! I cannot multi-task right now I'm concentrating on the dance!"

"Oh! you are just like all Cajun men! They cannot do anything romantic without a drink of beer and a few shrimps!"

As they danced they were followed closely by the Bishop with the two nuns - everyone was spellbound as to how he managed to dance with two ladies at once yet he did so with great aplomb. Then one by one each Elizabeth grabbed her James and they followed. Janine managed to find a stray usher, as did both Cherry and Jackie, whilst Meredith, finding David, followed, but she was rather annoyed because instead of concentrating on his dance partner he seemed more interested in taking photos.

Round and round the church they went until the music stopped and miraculously the leopard skin dancing shoes stopped dancing and they stood there motionless with Eddie gazing into those big green eyes.

They all took their seats as the beaming Bishop resumed the conversation, taking command of the situation.

"Well, we did enjoy that didn't we sisters? Now Vicar Evans, what is the full scope of the problem? Perhaps I can assist to muster a solution to this chaos that lies before me!" said the Bishop, obviously loving every moment.

"It's a very long story - perhaps you'd better start reading from Episode 1"

Five minutes later the Bishop had a full grasp of the situation.

"The solution is very simple, we have 2 Vicars and a Bishop and between us we can undertake all the weddings here except one plus the funeral - we can do it in one sitting, a sort of combined wedding/funeral service.

"The wedding of James from Liverpool to Elizabeth Evans must take place in St Benedicts church, Liverpool under the remit of Rev Harding - that will be later. All the rest can be done here, including yours Vicar!

"Now bring in the coffin please - who is the deceased?"

"James Pendelton, your grace!"

"What! Another James Pendelton - a deceased one at that!", exclaimed the vicar, "Oh No! I cannot believe this! Am I mad or is this a total nightmare? I have total information overload! I cannot cope, please give me a glass of water." The exasperated vicar was almost spent with exhaustion.

Said the Bishop, "Come on old chap it's only a name, dear boy, very common round these parts. Let us proceed. This combined wedding and funeral ceremony must be a first in my considerable experience in ecclesiastic matters! The hymn choices are going to be a bit tricky, how about these for a short list to cater for weddings and funerals simultaneously?

'Nearer my God to Thee',
'Abide with me',
'Rock of Ages',
'Give me strength',
'Help, Lord, the souls that though hadst made, and perhaps,
'Deliver us Lord'

"There, continued the Bishop, "the balance should be about right from that little lot! Of course banns of marriage should be called first for every Elizabeth and every James, but as Bishop of this Parish and with all my considerable authority I am in agreement to waive this particular requirement - we all want to get home for our teas as quickly as possible after all this excitement. I see the registrar is here. Little fellow, can you manage to write all the details of the deceased documentation plus the, let me see 767 plus 2 = 769 marriages? No! Well there are 694 (sorry 695 at the last count) followers of an Australian photographer outside doing nothing! Go and elicit their assistance and bring them in to witness the weddings and help with the writing! There that's settled! Of course there will be a huge shortage of rings so today we shall be using imaginary ones unless someone can miraculously drum up 769 of them. Now let me begin."

"But you grace! If we have any more people in this church it will sink! It will be too heavy", protested the vicar.

"Rubbish, my man, oh ye of little faith - this church is built on rock and not on sand! Just do it, and get them all in, there's a good chap!"

"First! I want the two feuding James Pendletons and their Elizabeth partners to come to the front, shake hands and make up. There is no reason how you can expect eternal forgiveness if you cannot forgive each other right here on Earth - and you've got to mean it as well - not to just pretend! Come come and shake hands. There that's better! I don't expect you to have Sunday lunch together but be civil and nice to one another!"

It was then Mickey flew towards Eddie full of the joys of spring. For he had been asking all the Elizabeths if they knew of any little budgie hens available. His luck was in for a little green budgie hen winked at him as she peeped out from a handbag - she had been watching him for half an hour and thought to herself, 'This is the chap for me'.

Mickey flew over to her and said, "Hi babe, what's your name then, my your are lassie with a classy chassis? Don't tell me, I bet your name is Elizabeth or is it Lizzie?"

She nodded, "Lizzie".

"Thought so, suits you. What lovely eyes you have! Do you realise I have travelled through time itself just to meet you? Come light of my life, come fly with me!"

He took off and she followed him. They flew round and round, up and down, weaving between the pews and furnishings. It was love at first flight. The congregation loved it - they all clapped in admiration of their acrobatics. After a while they both landed on the Bishop's mitre. Mickey said, "Your grace, we are in love. Will you marry us?"

"Well why not?" said the Bishop, "The more the merrier. Are there any field mice out there that want to splice to knot, or perhaps a couple af rabbits? Speak up - it's your last chance!"

Mickey and Lizzie's little service was done first and was very short. Mickey kissed Elizabeth affectionately on the beak but she blushed profusely. "Not in front of all these people, dear!" she said.

The Bishop commanded, "Now to the service, there are 767 couples divided by three which equals 256.333 each." No that won't do! We can't start cutting people into three! Oh! I'll do it all and you two can join in - so here we go!"

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say farewell to this deceased gentleman, John Pendleton, and to witness the marriages between John Pendleton and Elizabeth Evans, John Pendleton and Elizabeth Pendleton . . . . . . . . . etc . . . . . . . . etc . . . . . "

He read all 767 what stamina!

"Has anyone got any cause of impediment why these couples may be married?"

SILENCE (wonderful!)

"Do all the James Pendletons take your chosen Elizabeth Evans or Pendleton to be your lawful wedded wife?"

"YES!"

"Do all Elizabeth . . . . . . . . . . "

The service was highly unorthodox and lasted 6 hours but eventually it was completed with the funeral section finally over as well. There was no sign of a protest from within the coffin which was a relief for all, although people nearby rather thought they could hear an additional voice joining in the hymn choruses.

The Bishop concluded, "You are all married, you may kiss the bride but make sure she is the correct one. You are free now to go forth and multiply and fill the Earth. I expect Rev. Evans will be inundated with Christenings within the year."

"There remains one thing to do to unravel this fiasco! That is to get the other wedding party to the correct church and I ask Eddie Bluelights to use his motorised contraption to get them there as soon as possible. The service is over go in peace, . . . . wait for it, after the blessing!"

The organist, James Thomas, and his new bride, Elizabeth Pendleton, seized their chance for glory and played with wild abandon as a duet this time all the difficult organ pieces in their repertoire as 767 happy couples left the church. At the end they did a little Cajun Waltz which prompted some couples to dance down the aisle out of the church. Vicar Evans was exhausted and relieved it was all over. Rev Harding wondered still whether he was asleep and dreaming. He looked shell shocked.

The Bishop took it all in his stride and commented that he had not enjoyed an afternoon as much for as long as he could remember and asked Rev Evans what entertainment he had planned for next week.

James and Elizabeth boarded the ambulance together with all their principal players, Walter, Sarah, Cyril and other close family. Rev Harding would travel on the stretcher for a well deserved rest.

Eddie kissed goodbye to all his blogging friends and said he hoped to meet them all again in Oz when he finally gets round to writing more of the story instead of labouring around the spit roasting people.

It was then that Mickey spoke to Eddie. "I am not going back with you, Eddie! I want to stay here with Lizzie in this time zone. It is much nicer! The people are much nicer! The air is much nicer! I don't want to go back to that horrible world in which we live where there is back biting and nastiness and political correctness - the few have ruined it for the many - it is simply not nice living in 2009!"

"I understand, Mickey, just what I was thinking - it is much nicer here but I have to go back because my family is there. But you cannot stay here, Mickey! You might alter the whole course of history! You could seriously violate the laws of cause and effect! Just think if you and Lizzie have some chicks and one of them becomes your ancestor you could run the risk of a fatal error in the time-space continuum! It might cause the whole universe to quietly disappear! Interfering with the laws of time is highly dangerous!"

Mickey argued, "Well that's what you have been trying to do today isn't it, with you trying to alter James's mind concerning 1905 and hoping when you return to our time you will find James living to a ripe old age? What happens if he does? Then you will have altered the course of human history and that could cause a space time violation too, couldn't it? They might have more children and that might alter the course of history as well!

"That's different, I think, because James and Elizabeth are both here already and I am trying only to change an action and not introduce a being from the future into the equation belonging to a different time. That must cause a violation."

Lizzie interjected, "I don't think it will be a problem because I cannot have children - the vet says I am infertile so Mickey being here cannot in any way alter the laws of cause and effect."

"That should be alright I guess, but I will miss you, Mickey! and you were a fantastic substitute for a Sat Nav."

They said goodbye with tears in their eyes and Eddie drove away with the sirens and blue lights flashing. For a little way the two budgies flew beside them making ambulance noises but finally could not keep up and returned to their new life together.

"Boy have I got some questions for you, great grandfather, and grandad and grandma!" said Eddie as they sped to St Benedicts church.

Meanwhile Congleton church was completely empty when old Joseph Pendleton, who had been dozing for several hours, woke and enquired, "What did that lady want to know about George Pendleton, the miller?” Where is she? I have a lot of information for her!"

"Oh shut up!", said Vicar James Evans, "I've had more than enough today!"

The End
(Curtains! yes it probably is!)

(If you have missed earlier installments it might be worth starting at Episode 1)

Also you may be wondering about my little budgie, Mickie. I have written two popular stories about him.

Mickey the Celebate Budgie HERE

and

Mickey the Love-Sick Budgie HERE

The Sunday Roast

What's So Funny About Margaret's Nanny Goats in Panties?
. . . . or . . . .

In The Boxers vs. Briefs Debate, Margaret's Nanny Goats Prefer Panties.

This week's interview is with Margaret Andrews
who writes the blog Nanny Goats In Panties .

Thank you Margaret

A warm welcome to you and to your followers

After wrestling with a 13ft Alligator last week it is a welcome change to meet some harmless animals.

I just love this blog name - possible headings to this roast are endless and questions keep forming in my mind about the goats. For instance, how long does it take you to dress them all each morning, Margaret? Or have you trained them to dress themselves. And do they wear diapers, I wonder? And do the Billy goats wear blue panties?



Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

I blog for a number of reasons, the first of which is to make people laugh. If something funny happened to me on the way to the the chocolate follicle factory, my blog is the perfect place to share it. It's also a way for me to practice my writing. I also crave attention and need to feed my starving ego. I'm also extremely humble, not to mention modest, and feel compelled to tell the whole world about it.

What's the story behind your blog name?

I was taking this creative writing class many years ago at UCLA, and one of the exercises was to throw out unrelated phrases and words together on the chalk board. One of the phrases that came out of it was "A thousand nanny goats in panties". When I started my blog in 2005, I was trying think of a name that was random and funny and I remembered that phrase.

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

The instant feedback. People might say, "Ha Ha you're so funny, LOL, ROTFLMAO" but I'll bet at least one out of ten people who say that, really mean it. Also, some of the comments I get are just as funny and creative if not more so than what I wrote, and I love that. It's a beautiful way to interact with like minds. But the absolute best thing is probably the millions of dollars I'm making off of it.

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

Normally, I would say not to worry about traffic and comments and number of followers, but it depends on why you're blogging. Why ARE you blogging, anyway? Are you blogging to get a million followers or a hundred comments a day? Or do you just want to express yourself and join a community of like-minded people? The former is called "blog whoring", whereas the latter is more of an organic process that requires patience, but is much more real and fulfilling. Find your community, read other blogs that you like, and give them thoughtful comments. After that, I say "build it and they will come".

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

Can I give you two? I don't know if they're the most significant, but they are the first two that come to mind because they moved me in some way or another and they were fairly recent. Kathy from Magick Sandwich wrote a satirical piece called I Want My Money Back that just nails the truth with such beauty, I wanted to reach across the country (of the United States, that is) and grab her and kiss her for her brilliance.
Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars went into renal failure, dialed 911, and while waiting for the ambulance to arrive, wrote a potential last blog post entitled, coincidentally, Waiting For The Ambulance to Arrive. I just couldn't believe he did that. That happened in June and he's been blogging from various hospital beds (or dictating to his wife) ever since. I apologize to those of you who wrote something more significant, but I either forgot, or it touched me politically or religiously and I try to avoid controversy. Mostly.

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

That would probably be my post about when I joined the Ku Klux Klan, the National Rifle Association, and Church of Scientology all in one week. Gotcha!

OK, seriously, I'm not sure which one would be the most significant. A recent one that people seemed to respond to was one called Of Grandmas and Chocolate. But my most popular one, hands down, was called 10 Alternative Uses for Shelf Liner.

If you were to suggest two blogs for roasting who would you pick, and why?

OK, I'm figuratively throwing fifty of my favorite bloggers into a drum and drawing from them randomly.
And the winners are:
1. Kathy of the aforementioned Magick Sandwich because she is an awesome writer with a rapier wit. And by rapier, I mean long and slender with a cuplike hilt. Also? She has a keen eye for calling out the stupid.
2. JD of I Do Things So You Don't Have To, because she is one of the absolute most creative and funniest bloggers that I follow. If I were younger than JD, I'd want to be just like her when I grew up.

__________________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with Margaret is the 92nd in a weekly

seriesof interviews with bloggers from around the world. __________________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour

for all published Roasts. To view press HERE __________________________________________________

767 Weddings, 2 Irate Vicars And Almost A Funeral - Part 4

This is the continuation of a re-post I wrote last Easter. I have added a few characters and friends of mine to bring it up to date. Yes, Suldog, perhaps I am insane!

(Continued from Episode 3)

First, I wish you all a very Happy Easter - also, at the start of this post I am digressing a little for there is a serious matter I wish to get off my chest concerning my great grandfather and his father before him. I have built this into the story along with my true belief that Jesus will always help us (and them) in our hour of need. I hope you will all bear with me but this matter is 'heavy' on my heart.

* * * * * * * * *

Eddie walked over to James, his great grandfather, shook him by the hand and then threw his arms round him. With tears in his eyes he said, "I would be grateful if you would give me a couple of minutes vicars, just a few."

They nodded.

"You see, James, I am Walter's grandson and therefore your great grandson and I have travelled a long way from the future to see you. I am very grateful to have the opportunity of speaking with you at long last. I wish to warn you because I have discovered some very disturbing news about your father, John Pendleton, and also about you concerning your future, just 14 years away.

As you may know, your father took his own life by poisoning three months before you were born. You were adopted by your step father when he married your mother about a year later. I have John's death certificate, but I have yours as well, and it disturbs me for alas on your death certificate I discovered to my horror you also took your own life by hanging whilst at work on 2 January 1905. I have written an earlier post about this tragedy (see HERE).

I cannot do anything about John, except to pray for him, but I implore you when the time comes please reconsider your actions and please do not do it - I dearly hope I can alter the course of history on this matter - there must be another way out of whatever caused you to take your own life, James! We all love you! I certainly have grown to love you through my researches - I feel I know you very well, and surely no matter what may occur in your life and however depressed or upset you may become, there is another way other than what you did.

I have found your house in my home town, I found your unmarked grave and I found the factory where you died. I first discovered the factory where you worked as manager on my way to work whilst driving my ambulance. Forgive me entering the realm of humour right now but my time travelling is not nearly as precise as Geraldine's because I arrived at the scene 102 years 3 months late - there was nothing left of you to save. I had hoped to prevent the incident altogether, but here I am 14 years too early this time. At least I can do something for you now to give you some hope to help you overcome what is to come.

In the distant future, in my time, we have already had a little service at your graveside to pray for you and your father, plus the priest at the local Catholic church has already offered a mass for you both. I made a little cross for your grave as well and had a brass plaque made for you because the grave was unmarked, sadly.

Today is Easter Sunday and this is highly appropriate because I pray that God will comfort you and guide you throughout your life with Elizabeth. Please put your trust in Him, open your heart to Him and ask Him into your life. He will come in only if you invite Him into your heart, but when He does, and if things get tough in your life ask Him to help you! It may not seem as though He is actually doing anything, with little apparent difference in your life, but I promise you He WILL move things around for you, He really will - if, and only if you really ask Him to from the deepest recess of your heart. It is Easter and remember, Jesus died for us all because He loves us. He loves you too, and wants to help you, and if there is anyone else out there feeling low and depressed He loves you too! But He didn't just die for you, He rose again so we can rise again too into eternal glory later and for now to help us rise from all that troubles us in this world. Please vicars, please pray for him and for all who are depressed and upset, especially for James in 1905 and John in 1847."

James strode forward and shook Eddie's hand saying. "I am naturally very shocked by what you said but I was very touched by that, Eddie, how very kind. I will always remember that!"

Walter, Cyril and Sarah also came over and gave him a hug.

Sarah, his future grandmother later taught him a lovely little poem about prayer which he thought was highly relevant - he will never forget it:

I often say my prayers, but do I ever pray?
Do the words upon my lips mean everything they say?
I might as well bow down and worship gods of stone
Than pray before my living God just prayers of words alone!

Everyone started crying. They all came up to Eddie and gave him a cuddle, one by one. All 767 Elizabeths came and gave him a hug and he will not mind me telling you that he held on to one or two of them for a little longer than he should have. It all took ages but this time the vicars were not too upset because they too were crying.

Eddie noticed five ladies in the front row smiling at him. They stood up and walked slowly towards him with a few tears in their eyes - he recognised them at once. They were all very attractive - one was undecided as to whether she wanted to Sniffle or Smile, for Janine was so overcome with emotion by the proceedings and by seeing her Best British Blogging Buddy she was quite incapable of making up her mind whether to laugh or cry. Instead she gave him a big long hug and . . . . eventually . . . . . she decided to sniffle!!!!!! But then she changed her mind yet again and smiled (just as she will be when she reads this load of rhubarb I expect! Maybe a little laugh I suspect at my attempts into the realm of ESP!)

Another younger lady was a little shy but she was such a beauty she caught everyone's breath, including Eddie's. She had long dark hair and she wore red leather boots and a beautiful white dress. "Hello Mr Eddie", she said. She strode over and kissed him on the cheek. His whole world slowed down as if time had stopped dead while he went weak at the knees and time seemed to cease for almost an eternity and his senses were dulled completely - he was aware of nothing else but that glorious occasion. "Mr Eddie, you have Cherry lipstick on your cheek!", she said with a gentle voice and an affectionate smile, "shall I wipe it off?"

"No", he replied, "I never want to wash it off, I want it to be there for ever!"

Another lady, holding a camera, smiled at Eddie, throwing her arms round him saying, "I am Jackie of Teacher's Pet. I just had to come with the others to see you and find out what the outcome of all this chaos will be - we have been waiting for you in Oz for ages. Where have you been? Doing those roasts I expect!"

Another lady winked at Eddie and began humming Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No 2. She smiled at him, remarking. "I am Meredith Teagarden and I'm singing our song, remember? In the summer we had fine company together in our Grand National horse race when you spoke to me in beautiful Shakespearean and you rescued me when I fell, you gallant man. We all came here in Marguerite's car - she was waving to you earlier but you missed her as you entered the church."

The final lady, Marguerite, smiled and Eddie noticed she wore a pair of leather leopard skinned dancing shoes and carried a matching handbag. She flashed two gorgeous green eyes at him and said, "Well hello cher! so we meet at last! - I've brought my MP3 player and we can have a little dance to some delightful Cajun music!"

These friends had all had come from blogland, far far away and had got fed up with waiting to meet Eddie on the yellow brick road in the land of Oz.

Marguerite interjected, "Eddie! my sweet, I will see you later, cher and we can do a little dancing - I'll reach you the Cajun Two-Step, the Jitterbug and if you are a good boy at not too canille we will do the Cajun Waltz as well."

"Great", said Eddie, "The Cajun Two-Step eh! I think I could manage a couple of steps - is that all there is to it - a bit short isn't it? Hardly time to get to know you! I'm not sure whether I could manage the Zydeco because I have a bad hip and I have my clog-hopper boots on! - and look, but the vicars look as though they want to carry on with the wedding."

The vicars said a powerful prayer for John and James and everyone said, "Amen".

A little voice repeated, "Amen!" and something small and blue flew out of Eddie's pocket and materialised on top of his head. It was Mickey, the budgie, who said, "Hello Eddie Boy! Hello everyone! Whose a pretty boy?"

He flew round and round the church, making loud ambulance siren noises as he went, and started introducing himself to all the Elizabeths one by one.

"Well, well, well", said the vicar, "I have changed my opinion of you. Eddie Bluelights, my man. Perhaps you are not a hideous bumble bee after all. But please take off that awful yellow jacket - the green uniform I can just about stand.

Another gent appeared near the front row wearing a smart suit and shirt and striped tie, looking immaculate. "Good on yer sports -good day, poms, I'm 'ere from Melbourne, Australia and I've chosen this event for my next lesson in photography."

It was David of Authorblog - he continued . . . "I've brought all 687 followers (sorry 688) and they are outside! Can they come in? That window looks very interesting! I could take the shot from this angle but if I do the light would be wrong! If I switch to a telephoto lens and take it form over there, then that would be much better and . . . . . . . . . . "

The vicar interrupted, "It's only a church, not a Cathedral? Where are you going to put all 688 (sorry 689)? As for the photographs, do it silently - I have a wedding ceremony which has barely started as yet - can I get on with it please?

James from Liverpool was a bit overcome by Eddie's news and all the emotion but soon regained his composure and looked at his new Elizabeth, anxious to learn why he had not seen her living at 21 Danby Street, the same house where he lived at flat no 2. He remarked he could hardly miss such a beauty living under the same roof. He must have seen her somewhere else he thought, or maybe in his dreams.

“Just moved in this week with my flat mate Alice Scott who is here today as my witness to the wedding, there she is over there, see, 'Coooie!' I live at flat no 4 across the hall to you! Saw your photograph on the mantelpiece in the lounge and said to myself 'that's the man for me'. I expect the vicar thinks we’ve been living in sin!”

“No such luck”, remarked James giving her a wink, but give me a few minutes!”

"Oh you are a naughty boy James!”

Said Geraldine, "Elizabeth Evans. I have observed your behaviour and your chemistry towards this man but have I your confirmation that you like this James Pendleton with whom I have introduced you? Is he your Mr Right, the right James Pendleton for you?"

"Not arrf!” said Elizabeth Thomas, waving her birth certificate. "He looks just like George Clooney!"

"George who?”, enquired the whole company, except one man with failing ears who misheard and said,

"Ah yes George Pendleton the Miller, father of John and grandfather of James here, I knew him well - I am Joseph Pendleton from Runcorn and am related to him along with Mary Ann Pendleton and a lot of other Pendletons. George lived at . . . . . . . . . . . . . and, his wife was Ann Prince I think, or was she Ann Wallace, perhaps not? . . . . . . . and his children were John Pendleton and Joseph Pendleton and. . . . . . . several others . . and his parents were . . . . . and his cousins were . . . . .. I can go back 23 generations !" I can recite it all from memory like they did in Roots."

"Oh shut that idiot up! No-one will ever want to hear all that nonsense!"

"No! No! No! Do not shut up!”, screamed Geraldine, "that is all vital information for the Pendleton Family Tree. I must give it to Eddie Bluelights. My mission is to please him and I must have this information. Old man please say that again and write it all down quickly - quiet you lot - let the man speak, say it again! Please, please say something before one of us dies!", implored Geraldine.

“What did you say! I can’t hear you, speak up”, said the old man.

"Ahhhhhhh! say it quickly all about George Pendleton and his family and mother and father, I can't stay any longer, my husband is pulling me back, he wants a second helping and a fried egg for his tea! I must be away! Eddie will look after things now!" Flash!

As soon as she had vanished, for the last time, the recovering vicar of Congleton, and the vicar of St Benedicts both felt much better and enquired of Elizabeth, “Can you prove your genealogy beyond doubt? Because I have a note that your father could be Joseph Pendleton and not Joseph Evans. Please explain! What is your genealogy, precisely? Is there any chance you could be a Pendleton after all?”

"What!", exclaimed the whole chorus, "A Pendleton marrying a Pendleton!"

"Incest! Incest!” exclaimed the self righteous woman again, wearing a smile in the middle row.” Goody, goody, I have a vivacious appetite for a scandal".

“I say again!” said the vicar, “explain your genealogy.”

“I can’t see why you would have a note with my father as Joseph Pendleton”, said Elizabeth. ”His name was Joseph Evans and he was a cattle dealer but he also worked on the railways when my sister, Mary, and I were little and when he married my mum. I am Elizabeth Evans b 1857 in W Derby. My dad was Joseph Evans b 1831 and my mum was Ann Price b 1833 and they married in Hesketh Parish Church, near Manchester on 1 June 1856. I have a younger sister called Mary b 1859 who was a stewardess on passenger steamships from Liverpool, and my grandfather was John Evans, a farmer, and his dad was Thomas Evans b 1777. I have all the certificates to prove it.”

“Impeccable! That is good enough for me – obviously yet another error this Pendleton name on my note – disregard it!! I've had enough today!" exclaimed the vicar.

Mickey was cruising round the church now and remarked it was really great for aerobatics. He looped the loop and did victory rolls in fine stile and liked everyone so much he was not inclined to dive bomb anyone, as he had done in previous stories.

"Look, Mickey, there's grandma as a young lady. Fly over and have a chat with her and ask her the time, and look there's my grandfather, Walter. Tell him I'll see him later with Cyril for a chat! I was not alive for long before he died so I didn't get to know him at all but I knew grandma really well, she lived until she was 92.

The vicar of Congleton remarked, Well, we have two correct James Pendletons and two correct Elizabeths, one for my Congleton church and one for your St Benedicts in Liverpool. Problem is how to get them there, with the ushers and you of course Rev Harding. As for the others I say go the lot of you for you are nothing to do with either service, you all are superfluous! Registrar, be sure this time to enter the correct details on the wedding certificate for Elizabeth's father - make no mistakes or that awful woman, Geraldine, will buzz us again - I never wish to see her again!"

All the other Elizabeths were sobbing and weeping by now at their disappointment in love. “We shall have to find ourselves a new James to court from elsewhere”, they cried, blowing their noses in unison.

The records officer, who had remained quiet at the ceremony to ensure that no further mistakes were made, although he had a minuscule frame he had a stout and warm heart for he took pity and comforted the Elizabeths by saying, “Now, we all realise there are a lot of very disappointed Elizabeths here and as a consolation prize to you all I have used my influence and brought with me, and they await outside, the entire remaining stock of Lancashire and Cheshire James Pendletons, aged 30 – 45 from whom you may choose a partner for your life if you wish, and we invite them to enter to meet you all. By a remarkable coincidence there are also 767 of them, one for each lady!

"Organist, please play them in and will the ushers please introduce every James to every Elizabeth, every Elizabeth to every James.

"Mingle and be seated – it should take only 3 or 4 hours for the entire exercise."

The vicars both glared at this new delay.

(To be continued - concluding Episode 5)

The Sunday Roast

"Eddie, No Need To Roast Her. I'll Eat Her Alive!"

(I admire your bravery, Alix)

This is me and Goose at the Saint Augustine Alligator Farm and Zoological Park - September 2009
This week's interview is with Alixandra Hice
who writes the blog Casa Hice .

Alix says, "Welcome to Casa Hice where the door is always open
and the welcome mat is always out!"
Thank you for your warm welcome and your interview, Alix.

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?
I began blogging back in May 2008 to document the trip a friend made to visit me in Florida. I thought it would be a fun way to journal and preserve the events, experiences and milestones that decorate my life. What I didn't know then is how blogging would evolve to become such a vital part of my everyday existence or how much I would look forward to interacting with other bloggers. It has introduced me to wonderful new friends, new and exotic places, and many interesting and unique expressions of talent, humor, beauty, and every day life. I have laughed, cried and been made to think deeply. And the acceptance and encouragement that I have experienced from the blogging community is beyond compare. How could anyone not get addicted that that?

What's the story behind your blog name?
I wish I had a clever answer, but the truth is I wanted to keep my blog name simple. Casa in Spanish means "house" and Hice is my last name - so my blog name basically means my house. Or more accurately, House of Hice. I hope my blog feels like the door to my life is always wide open and everyone is welcome inside. It's a no-holds -barred place where the only rule is to be truthful. I lay it all out there - warts and all. From my experiences with weight-loss to hair-loss; my joys and sorrows; my personal triumphs and failings; and my issues with self-esteem. Some times I whine and throw my opinions around, but usually I keep the energy positive. My blog is a thumbnail sketch of me and my house. Take it or leave it.

What is the best thing about being a blogger?
Community! I am continually stunned and amazed by the visitors who drop by and leave comments or subscribe to follow my humble little blog. I don't live an extravagant or unusual life and my posts generally point to ordinary stuff, so you can imagine what a thrill it is to be validated in that way. I'm not going to lie... I thrive on the support of my blogging family. It means the world to me when someone identifies with a morsel of truth or feels a personal connection to a shared thought, experience or topic. I love the feeling that my blog friends have my back. But the absolute BEST thing is meeting fellow bloggers in person. This past summer I spent two days with Garret and Jim in Saint Augustine as they headed home after a year of RVing across the country. I had been following their adventures for a long time and suddenly they were here in my own back yard! We had such fun and it never occurred to us that by definition we were actually strangers. Blogging breaks down those barriers.

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?
Be yourself, always. No matter what. Good, bad, ugly or indifferent - just give it to us straight. I'd much rather listen to someone spout off about their dysfunctional family or their personal demons or their fears or their imperfect life than be schmoozed by false appearances or pretense. Give me something I can sink my teeth into, relate to. Give me the blood and guts of your life, not the gilded cage. My favorite blogs are those that are fearless and make no apologies.

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?
Oh gosh! That's about as easy to answer as which of my children I love most! On any given day, the answer could change, but the post that came immediately to mind is "In An Empty Field" by Alyson of New England Living.

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?
That's a question best answered by someone who follows my blog - but since you asked... The post that put me on the map, so to speak, was recognized on August 25th by David McMahon at authorblog as a Post Of The Day nominee: Spoiled? Probably. Brat? Not so much... It speaks of my losing a blog friend because of jealousy. As for my personal favorite... it's a tie between my hilarious wedding-gone-wrong post Get Me To The Church On Time and a series of eight short posts in honor of my duck, LuLu. I would be honored for any of those to be read by your audience.

If you were to suggest two blogs for roasting who would you pick, and why?
fever by Lora M. in Philadelphia. This chica is like a smorgasbord of bloggy goodness. She's whip-smart, expressive, irreverent, kind, raw, brutally honest, naughty, and captivating. I wish I could write like she writes. I wish I could call her up on the phone for a chat, or drain a bottle of wine with her, or better yet - have her over for dinner. I feel like I know her and that's a very good thing.

The Things We Carried by Meredith Teagarden. Her blog is so haunting and visceral I can't help but hang on every word. She weaves her bittersweet tales with magnificent language and emotion, blending the personal sorrow of her childhood into a big kettle of hope.

Now, where's that alligator?
"Oh there you are! Did you like that?"

"Burp! Thanks Eddie, she was delicious and nutritious! Who's next, Eddie?" __________________________________________________

Today's Sunday Roast with Alix is the 91st in a weekly series
of interviews with bloggers from around the world. __________________________________________________

This interview will feature in The Roll of Honour
for all published Roasts. To view press HERE

__________________________________________________