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Sunday 16 August 2009

Cerne Abbas Giant

The Cerne Abbas Giant
The Rude Man
© By Eddie Bluelights - August 2009

Forgive me for showing this man, stark and rude,
with his 'friend' primed for action - so terribly crude!
He's carved in the hillside in Dorset, you see
In the chalk you can see him, as plain as can be.

The Cerne Abbas Giant is most easy to view
Just outside town on the A352
He measures just over 'one eighty feet'
With his club 'sixty' shorter, he looks quite a treat.

In the square you can see to the right of his head
Is a place that had maypoles on May Day, 'tis said.
They called it the Trendle or the Frying Pan
Where 'til '19 hundred' lots of festivities ran.

Regrettably now all this activity's stopped
The villager's youngsters to elsewhere have hopped.
At one time with children the whole place was teeming.
Now only old folk remain - faces beaming.

Of the giant, I consider it must take some doing
To wield that big club AND be ready for wooing.
He must be so clever at this multi-tasking
To hold that erection must take some asking!

He's held that position for 400 years,
You'd think that by now he'd be quite close to tears
For no lady giant is ever in sight
For to see him like that would sure give her a fright.

I think by that 'gormless' look on his face
He's banged his head hard with that lofty mace
His chest is lob-sided, his ribs are too few
He's got two left feet and he looks in a stew.

Regarding his 'member' it is far from small
At twenty six feet you might say it's tall
But somehow it's longer than it used to be
By over a foot from its first history.

Experts are baffled why this growth has occurred
Some say some pranksters have acted absurd.
With others convinced he has magical powers
In matters of folklore - they discuss this for hours!

Just why he appears in the way that he is
Is unknown at the present and a bit of a quiz
But stories abound of fertility rites
With tales of his assistance during passionate nights.

It starts with the ladies, unattached by their self
Not wishing ever to be left on the shelf
They spend the night sleeping at our giant's feet
And pray for a handsome, kind man soon to meet.
Married couples who cannot conceive on their own
Need assistance and guidance, and helpful tone.
They heard they could rely on help from the giant
And booked up quickly as his very next client.
They waited and waited until it was dark
Then climbed up the hillside, away from the park
They lay close together on the tip of his 'member'
And started to act in ways they should remember.

They tried lots of methods, positions and ways
Their inventiveness simply did not fail to amaze.
There was this way and that way - and perhaps this.
Their success they determined to hit - not to miss.

Just what was different I just cannot say
For when daybreak came, at first light of day
The couple walked down with wide smiles on their faces
And fond memories of the night's wild embraces.

They knew it was certain with child she'd be expecting
With no chance this time of their efforts rejecting.
Just what did he say, and what did he do?
No person who's done it will today give a clue!

Well, that was something a bit different from Mr Bluelights, wasn't it? I had great fun doing this and it was published in 2012 in a ladies' fertility magazine.  I received an email one day asking if they could feature it.

I hope no-one was shocked - it's just meant to be good clean fun, and I did to write it tastefully.

For those wanting assistance from this giant urgently the road again is A352 and Cerne Abbas is not far from Dorchester
This post was 'inspired' when I drove past the giant, whom I have seen many times before, whilst driving an ambulance with a patient on a stretcher and with, yes, one of Eddie's Angels attending. Needless to say she had a fit of the giggles, quickly followed by lots of hysterics and wriggles and wiggles. Even the elderly patient sat up in her stretcher at the sight, remarking that she hadn't seen one like that for years, whilst adding that size is not everything! She was certainly no prude and must have been aged about 90. I am including an official website for the Cerne Abbas Giant containing more information for those interested.

Now to the question. Would you like another poem suggesting what the giant might have said or done? I don't think I dare, do you?

Following a comment I received asking 'does Viagra have an interest in this?', I added this footnote. 

Well I think the answer is no. However just a few days ago, after I drove the ambulance past the giant, a giant Homer Simpson offering the giant a condom appeared. This incited a few of the local inhabitants along with some paganists. I have a link to the Daily Mail article.

I am honoured to receive POTD runner up from David McMahon at Authorblog.
Thank you David - It is always great to receive this award and I congratulate all the others nominated.


  1. That was really clever and very funny!
    No wonder he has a funny look on his face :-)

  2. Oh my yes...quite different! And imaginative, Sir Bluelights

  3. Well Eddie I thought that not only was the Cerne Abbas Giant outstanding but your poem about this well endowed fellow was equally outstanding as well! Kudo's to you Eddie!

  4. Very well done, Eddie!!

    Does this giant have anything to do with an ad campaign for viagra?

  5. Oh, you are awful, but I like you!

    Love Granny

  6. Maggie - He does have a very funny look on his face indeed. Perhaps he has toothache

    Diana - Glad you were impressed on both counts

    Sandi - I'll write to them and try to get Royalties, I jnow a few years ago a giant Homer Simson appeared beside him wearing a condom. I might add a footnote

    Granny - Just knew you'd love it, lass

  7. Your poem impressed me as much as The Cerne Abbas Giant!

  8. Very tastefully and so well done Eddie! Perhaps he's the inventor of Viagra?

    Today am announcing a giveaway thingie on my post which will begin next Monday... come visit and see what I'm talking about!

  9. Hi Eddie! Congrats on the Post of the Day Award! enJOY your day!

  10. Eddie!

    This whole thing is tremendously interesting, funny, and clever! So far as I know, we have nothing comparable on this side of the pond, so the history lesson is much appreciated. Thanks!

  11. My first visit to you Eddie and by way of Marcy (blessings each day) - from here to the States and back again! I'll be back soon.

    Angie, xx

  12. Well - that is a nice surprise hearing from you all when I really thought I should be writing 50 lines, "Eddie, you must not be a naughty boy"

    This morning I must have been drunk when I made my first reply to your comments:

    Sandi - To you I should have said, thank you and nice to see you again my Lady Sandi.

    Maggie and Diana - stet as the editors say - comments OK - once again thank you.

    Comedy Godess - With a name like that I bow to your suggestion because I will make millions when I write to them. I have done a footnote just for you to include news which broke very recently about the Homer Simpson new giant offering our giant a giant condom - it looks much too big for him and I feel it would be highly ineffective. Oh well I suppose he is a character representing fertility so it should leak if and when he gets a lady friend. He looks very frustrated waiting 400 years!

    Granny on the Web - Thanks again, I suppose the old addage comes into play, if you cannot beat them join them - I will be popping over later on - put the kettle on please, oh no get the Scotch out and lets get smashed instead!!

    Wanda - thank you but I am wondering who impressed you the most, me or the giant - I am sorry it is impossible for our roles to be reversed, he cannot write!

    Jane at Gaston Studio - Thank you Jane and sorry he does not quite match up to Omar but he is the best I could come up with.

    Cheffie-Mom - Debbie, thank you and I have a serious question for you. Who did you like best? The Giant or Homer Simpson?

    Sldog - Jim we meet once more my friend. Thank you for your very generous, polite, controlled, accurate, praisworthy, truthful, inquisitive, honourable, flattering, unbiased, non-belligerant, utterly amazing, friendly and haeartwarming comments. I am very moved and touched - thank you! Please note: The men in white coats are arriving soon.

    Angie - Great to meet you at long last. I believe you are an English lady and together we educated Marcy in the area of Englis English so we could grant a certificate of confidence to allow her to witter (or rabbit on) just like I am doing now. For those who are wondering what the 'ell this bod is wittering about Marcy has a great blog on "Blessings Each Day". Oh and Angie I have not forgotten you said I was allowed just one Stag Night in my entire life - you are very harsh. I will be popping over tonight to see you - listen for my ambulance siren ~ Eddie

  13. Wow, very interesting and funny post! Your poem is brilliant, like you, Eddie. Congrats on the POTD!

  14. Congratulations on your POTD!
    What better post to get you a "rise" in your popularity!

  15. Omg! I'm shocked, Eddie Bluelights, I don't shock easy but I was not expecting this!...must avoid this at all costs...already have 4 daughters and I am DONE..keep the fertility giants away from me! You Brits have the best landmarks...when I'm too old to be affected by his fertility magic...I must visit him...he's rather, um,

    Much kisses and strength to you and your dear wife



  16. Oh and congrats on POTD! You so deserve it for this post and many others!


  17. Very creative and funny.

    Congrats on POTD!

  18. A sight for sore eyes. Some men really are well endowed!

    CJ xx

  19. Well, you are a brave lot or very naughty!!

    Marguerite - Merci, cher pour votre very kind comments and your undoubted appreciation of your humble English Ambulanceman - for this you will get a really juicy part in my forthcoming play. But first I must know what colour eyes you have?

    Comedy Godess - I see you have returned for another look on pretence of congratulating me on my POTD. Thank you!

    Breeze - I never in this world thought I would ever shock you - and don't worry about getting too close to him - he is really clapped out at 400 isn't he?

    Jennymac - Thank you for the comment and your most welcome visit - I will visit your site soon.

    Renee - I am most hurt! I thought you would want to see me - all you think of is something else I could not possibly mention. Nice to see you again.

    Crystal Jigsaw - Thanks for the visit - I will come over later.

    Come on everyone else, where are you all??

  20. I remember it well. My two girls were fascinated when we camped in the area many moons ago.

  21. 400 years old!!! I'm going to have to Google...(I use Google for everything now....I try not to even use a phone book, if I can help it.)
    I've never heard of the Cerne Abbas Giant.
    I've missed you, Eddie....and I look forward to chatting with you soon.

  22. Oh, Eddie...I found a surprise on my dashboard this morning...a comment from you even though I am away on my break!!!!!! And you, my brilliant fellow, have made me both cry and laugh within 10 short minutes!!! Your comment/song made the tears stream down my face; your post gave me a belly-ache!!!! And I now exclaim, "I am so very, very fortunate to have such a wonderful friend!!" It won't be long now, and my friends will be hearing from me again...Until then, my dear friend~Hugs, Janine

  23. Hi Eddie, all seems to be working now....the reader I mean.....just in time to view this post, so glad I didn't miss it!
    Thanks for the chuckle Eddie, and so glad that blogger is recognizing you again on my reader.
    Hope your family is well.....:-) Bernie

  24. Hi Eddie, I'm so sorry you have a hard time getting to comment on my blog. No one else has mentioned this to me, if it continues let me know okay.
    Eddie if you go to my complete profile you will see where you can e-mail me then I will send you my address, would so love the CD. Thank you Eddie.....:-) Bernie

  25. Grumpy Old Ken - thanks for the visit - I am glad someone has seen it before and is not too shocked - nice to see you again, Ken

    Jackie - I too have missed you - you are one of the brightest jewels in blogland, bless you.

    Janine and Sniffles and Smiles - I am honoured to have you interrupt your long vacation to make a comment. I am so pleased you liked the song I sent - I read somewhere that any man can make a lady laugh but it takes someone special to make her cry first! "Wherever you are, whatever you do, I'll be waiting right here for you". Come back when you are ready ~ Eddie x

    Bernie - thanks for the visit and glad we can post on each other's blog now - I'll contact you about the CD

  26. Oh's a bit small don't you think. Perhaps the giant wasn't photogenic and the picture doesn't do it justice. How embarassing it must be for him. He's no doubt rolling in his tiny grave.

  27. Michael - Nice to hear from you - of course if it was done in America it would probably be 'bigger and better' LOL

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