Chicken Zombie Oscar Awards

Not long ago I was joint recipient of this highly coveted Zombie Chicken Award for services to blogland, presented by Janine from Sniffle and Smiles. I humbly accepted my 1/5 chicken portion but this presentation was conditional on me subsequently presenting the remains to five people whom I considered deserving of this highly prestigious trophy all bloggers would willingly die for.

I was a little worried at the time because there was not a lot of chicken left from my 1/5 portion suitable for further distributions because the other greedy winners hi-jacked the breast and legs leaving me a wishbone, a wrung neck, a couple of feet and the giblets. I decided to bide my time, hoping eventually the chicken would somehow reconstitute itself. After just one week the miracle happened 'voila' for it did regenerate itself into a whole chicken again - so I am now able to make the awards.

But first you all have to get into the mood for actually wanting to win this trophy so I am setting you a small task. At 1200 GMT precisely you should play this video and join in with appropriate gestures and singing of lyrics in exactly the correct places.

I trust you all strutted round the room singing your heads off, waving your arms and making complete idiots of yourselves!

It now gives me great pleasue to read the nominations for best zombie chicken award, and they are:

The Mighty Sam for his services to Morris Dancing

Menopausal Old Bag for her inspired blog site name and her humourous posts - most enjoyable

Retired and Crazy for interrupting her cleaning programme during the Easter Holiday to read my play - you truly deserve a medal as well as the award. Also I enjoy your blog

Valleys Mam for her tireless and informed comment and debate on Welsh and United Kingdom politics

Dishing with Debbie - always a great read

And the winner is . . . . . well there isn't one! . . . . . . for you are all equal in first place.

Therefore I invite you all to collect your trophies and in turn award the prizes to five people you consider worthy of such honour. I shall be writing to you all in due course.

The prize is conditional on paying me a small fee of £1 per portion, i.e. per award and a further condition as that each of their people each give me £1 as well . . . . . and so on . . . . and so on.

The mathematics to this is rather interesting:

5 x £1 = £5

25 x £1 = £25

125 x £1 = £125

625 x £1 = £625 . . . . . interesting!

3125 x £1 = £3125 . . . . very interesting!

15625 x £1 = £15625 . . . . . exceptionally interesting!

78125 x £1 = £78125 . . . . . . wonderfully interesting!

390625 x £1 = £390625 . . . fantastic!

1953125 x £1 = £1953125 . . . Bingo! we're millionaires folks! "Hey, love, we can retire!"

I realise you may be a bit busy and have little time available to attend this cermony - in other words you are already running around like headless chickens. I have a solution - you can decapitate your chicken to tailor make it to fit your situation - I really don't mind, but I want to get rid of it soon - it's eating me out of house and home!

A further condition is that you make an acceptance speech as a comment on this post. If you are stuck I have a suggestion:

"I warmly accept this trophy not only for myself but for all those who have helped me. I am very overcome and had a little tot of whiskey just to give me a bit of Dutch Courage. I am not as think as some tinkle peep I am and the drinker I stand here the longer I get." Something like that would do fine.

Failure to accept your trophy will incur a severe penalty.

I will recite a Stanley Holloway Monalogue (What on earth is that? you might say)

To read my play, "767 weddings, 2 Irate Vicars and Almost a Funeral"

at one sitting (Do not mock! It has been done before, you know!)

I therefore officially close this ceremony.

I did consider seriously awarding the post outright to David at Authorblog because he is a wonderful shepherd looking so well after his sheep, numbering 747 (sorry 748). Just think he is dishing out all these POTDs day aftyer day week after week and the poor chap never gets anything in return. So why did I not do it, you may ask yourself? I chickened out!

Now you've all been very patient so I feel I ought to tell you a joke:

There was an elderly American couple driving on the highway and a Highway Patrol Officer pulled them over for speeding. The wife, who was extremely deaf, was the guilty culprit and did not attempt to conceal her violation of road traffic regulations.

"Excuse me Madam, you were speeding!" said the officer

"What did he say?" said the woman to her husband

"He said you were speeding, dear!" shouted the husband

"May I see your driving licence?" asked the officer

"What did he say? asked the wife

"He said he wants to see your driving licence" said the husband

Looking at the licence the officer said,

"I see you come from Texas and you remind me of a woman whom I used to know. It was the worst sex I've ever had", said the officer

"What did he say?" asked the wife

"He said he thinks he knows you!"

Did you like that one?

If yes I'll tell you the one about a Morris Dancer another time.