For those who missed part one and would like to read why on Earth I started all this, please press HERE . Others may consider it may be time to call those men wearing white coats, to take me away.
"Where's Eddie gone? I've got a bone to pick with him . . . and it's not his new lifeless hip joint bone either! Isn't he just a bone head! As usual he's left us standing here like a couple of squashed lemons! When will the man learn?"
"Squashed lemons indeed . . . speak for yourself duckie! . . . . although I must admit you look a bit swollen, dearie. But hey! . . . . . . our legs are much better aren't they, both above and below the knees. Those antibiotics Eddie took must have worked!"
"Well maybe so but we're going to teach that Eddie a lesson - how dare he speak to us like that! . . . and various other body parts of his are none too pleased either with the workload he is throwing at them. They are all creaking at the joints, or puffed out! Only this morning they were moaning and groaning and saying they were going to have it out with him once and for all, but he just breezes in and makes a sarcastic reply and takes not a blind bit of notice! No doubt they will let him have it in due course. He will get his come-uppance - he deserves it! "
"Yes, it's about time we all put our foot down! - ouch!"
"Careful brother, no need to stamp in a tantrum in your condition!"
"Tantrum indeed! I'll have you know I'm feeling a lot better and come to think of it you look like you've been kick started a bit as well! Not quite as flat-footed as you usual, I notice."
"Flat-footed indeed! How dare you? Wash your mouth out, you heel! . . . . Oh I forgot you haven't been able to see your Achilles tendon for weeks!"
"You cheeky rascal! I'll have you know I could show you a clean pair of heels any day of the week!"
"You'd be hopping mad to try, and by rascal do you by any chance mean canille? I think the latter is a French word which may mean rascal, but Eddie has failed so far to find a literal translation . . . . . seems to ring a few bells though! Eddie has been called that a few times - it's the Mr Hyde in him you see!"
"What a lot of nonsense you are talking! Have not a clue what you're on about! . . . . but listen! I thought I had enough to contend with, without you putting in your penny's worth, and having to deal with that cruel Eddie who makes us stand for hours doing aimless tasks like painting and decorating, polishing the front door brass furniture, doing the cleaning, vacuum cleaning and cleaning the windows - let alone cleaning the cars, digging the garden and cutting the lawns - for starters! . . . when all he wanted to do was sit down with a cup of coffee, put his feet up and to use his brain and write some creative blog posts!"
"Putting his feet up, eh! sheer bliss . . . but listen, I'm only pulling your leg about being flat footed - you are very touchy aren't you? We have always worked together, except you are a bit thick sometimes, not knowing your left from your right, so during Eddie's schooldays in the Army Cadet Force, Eddie sometimes led off with his right foot instead of his left when the Sergeant Major yelled, "By the left, quick march!" Remember, they all thought Eddie was a bit of a thicko! and it was you all the time, getting him into trouble . . . . . ha! ha!"
"I always have been the extrovert one and the fly by night right foot and I suppose people think of you as being boring, dreary, half dead left foot thing you are! I was the leg Eddie used to take off when he did the high jump and long jump at his school athletics - you just trailed behind and invariably kicked off the cross bar being the lazy article you are. But don't take it all too seriously and as for all the jobs it's not really his fault, is it? It's Mrs Bluelights and her endless do lists. He calls her Sybil you know; the one from Fawlty Towers. The one who keeps bossing Basil around. The poor chap can't even sit down and take the weight off us and write a decent blog post these days. He says there just aren't enough hours in the day and he feels a bit like Cinderella with all he jobs she has to do. You know, just like Cinders before she is allowed to go to the ball. And talking of balls, he dreams of dancing with that nice Cajun lady with big green eyes, and waltzing with her all night long! Remember? You know the one he asked us to play footsie with . . . and always laughs at his comments!"
"That's bad English! Instead of ' . . . . asked to play footsie with', don't you mean, 'The one with whom he asked us to play footsie!' Phrased like that she might have agreed! But she always delights in tantalising him and really gives him the run around. But listen! . . . . I have it by good authority she really likes him but dare not encourage him too much . . . . sensible girl if you ask me!"
"Well he can't dance with her all night, so there! I just will not stand for it! (and neither will she probably! LOL) . . . . and by the way, you've changed your tune. You sound as though you and Eddie are the best of buddies all of a sudden when just now you were all for putting the boot in! Don't you remember what you said a few sentences ago?
"Wait! Here he comes . . . watch out Eddie's about and he looks decidedly sheepish. I wonder what he's been up to!"
"Oh hello you two! Glad I found you, although I cannot feel you too well these days. It's as though a pair of flip flops are permanently stitched onto my ankles!"
"How dare you!"
"Only kidding, and glad you are getting better. But listen, Mrs Bluelights is on the warpath again, she can kill a man at ten paces. Quick look busy! She can detect any man, particularly me, or legs for that matter, not working at some fruitless task, five miles away! Oh hello my lovely little Piranha Fish. Yes I am attending the list of jobs you kindly presented me at the breakfast table this morning! I shall attend to these as soon as I can galvanise these lazy feet into action and muster a modicum of activity from my other sleeping body parts who erroneously think they are entitled to a well deserved period of convalescence after my serious surgery. Yes dear! yes! yes! of course! yes! No dear! Yes dear! No dearest! Yes . . . and while I am at it, would you like me to move the house a little to the left? . . . . or to the right? Yes I know you are going out and I shall start the work I was doing when you telephoned me to ask me to do the job I was already doing! What's the point? I mean, I am doing it, aren't I? Why, when I am doing something you have asked me to do, do you stop me doing it in order to ask me to do something I was doing before you stopped me doing it and then interrupt me yet again to ask me why I am not doing something I am already doing and you seem to think I am not doing? I mean, what's the point? It's perfectly Sybil . . . . simple here or should I say my simple feet are feeling a lot better and can now stand a little extra activity. No I shall not mention again that kind, adorable and thoughtful Marguerite, with whom you disagree, who advises me to stay off my feet and put my feet up which I dare not do because I am not in the mood to start World War Three. Yes . . . . of course . . . . . yes . . . . no . . . . yes . . . . why not indeed! Yes. . . . . . No . . . . . Yes, light of my life! Yes, I realise we can enjoy ourselves when the work is done but it is a bit like painting the Fourth Bridge - when it's finished, it's time to start again - so we shall never have the time! Bye darling!"
"Quick, listen feet! I've just had a monumental row with my brain . . . . and my heart . . . . . and my lungs, and of course I have to escape the evil clutches of Mrs Bluelights and her endless array of orders, instructions and commands. And to cap it all my arms began waving around uncontrollably in sympathy and punched me on the nose, making my mouth roar with laughter! They are all ganging up on me, assisted by my kidneys and liver and anyone else they can muster to fight against me in their mutiny. Only my head, neck and backbone remain loyal to me. The mutineers have called an emergency Board Meeting and say they intend to raise a vote of no confidence in me as their Chairman and Chief Executive. Can I rely on you support? I mean you have supported me all my life, haven't you, on and off? And you would be lost without your Eddie. He is your spirit and without him you would be a couple of wandering, aimless limbs!"
"You mean without us you would be legless!"
"Listen . . . . I must get this sorted before Mrs Bluelights returns . . . . . it gets worse! My brain informs me that because I have been utterly irresponsible and not let you rest as most of the world has advised, an unwelcome character has emerged during this period of slight physical weakness."
"Why should we listen to you now? You always put on a Mr Nice face when you want something or are under severe pressure, just relax and enjoy yourself a bit more."
"Listen! People in Cajun country enjoy themselves! Other people enjoys themselves! I used to enjoy myself! I work! It is decreed by she who must be obeyed! I wanted to relax with you and watch the World Cup, watch Wimbledon, watch England beat Australia again at rugby! Not a chance! The last rugby match I watched was in 1974 and before that a cricket match between England and The West Indies when Mrs Bluelights inquired whether they were the all blacks, to which I replied, probably"
"Well you should put your foot down with a firm hand! What is this other news anyway?"
"I can't get you to put your foot down, can I? You would only complain and winge! Now listen . . . . and respect your elder, one who is older and wiser than you two!"
"You must be balmy! Older and wiser? How do you work that one out? We are all the same age!"
"No we're not! Was I a breech baby? No! Therefore you, my feet were not born first! It was my head, where I reside, who saw this world first, so therefore I am your senior and you should do as I say, as your lord and master!"
"What a load of tosh!"
"Listen! This is urgent! Your cousin, my brain, tells me we have received a hostile takeover letter from The Grim Reaper, hence another reason for the Emergency Board Meeting. He has spotted that Eddie is not immortal after all and he is waiting in the wings and biding his time. We are going to fight this chap tooth and nail and I want you both to kick the living daylights out of him."
(To be continued)