Monday, 29 November 2010
How To Remove Your Underpants Without Removing Your Trousers
I apologise for my recent lack of posts, other than Sunday Roasts of course. I have been extremely busy driving a red mini bus, nicknamed The Red Baron, three days a week for Dial-a-Ride at the local council. You may call me Eddie von Richthofen Bluelights. My passengers are mainly little old ladies, picked up from home to the shops, Health Centres, Hairdressers etc. . . . . and to return them safely home, helping them with their shopping and on and off the bus etc. Love the work but alas I shall soon finish because the council has run out of money - a common occurrence these days with cuts in government spending. Shame for little old ladies who all love me of course and for me too because I love them and doing the work and helping them.
Anyway, I have an unusual post for you today - I feel it is something you just cannot wait to discover and try yourselves (joking of course!). It is designed principally for the menfolk but you ladies too can join in if you pinch a pair of hubby's underpants and trousers whilst he is not looking!! Shhh! whilst he is asleep in his chair, pretending to be watching the TV, have a quiet practice and then when you have perfected the craft say, "Oi! bet you can't do this!"
"Take underpants off without trousers being removed!"
"Yer joking! . . . Golly! . . . . go on then . . . . . thought it was impossible . . . . show me!"
If yer haven't got a hubby or he is out at the 'boozer' you'll just have to use your charm or beg, steal or borrow some underpants and trousers LOL.
Unfortunately, regarding this miraculous trick, this particular pleasure in life has been denied to me because now I am the proud owner of an artificial hip joint and there is no way I could do this without dislocating my entire left leg, which might fall off. I don't like cheating because if my entire left leg did fall off then I could do this easily. So I'll abstain - that's my story and I'm sticking to it LOL.
This trick may not be quite as dazzling an escape as from a straight jacket, suspended by a flaming rope over a lion's den, but it's a lot safer and, with practice, can be an excellent party feature. The key to success is elasticity, so stretchy pants are best. The cotton shorts type are hopeless and my own laboratory experiments reveal that those with a Y at the front are the ones to go for.
You are allowed to bend your body and to stretch or twist your underpants. But tearing holes in any of your clothes is strictly forbidden. You can increase your chances of success by wearing loose trousers and pants but only one size up from normal - otherwise you shall be disqualified as a cheat.
1. Begin by standing upright with legs slightly apart in the military Stand At Ease position.
2. Placing the index and second fingers of the right hand inside the seam of the left inside leg , drag the trouser leg up with the help of the left hand, as far as it will go, exposing your bare thigh.
3. Reach up inside the trouser leg until you can pinch the material of your underpants between your index and second fingers. If you're struggling here, be of good cheer, for by pushing your left arm down the waistband of your trousers you can help things along.
4. Grasping the underpants with the first two fingers of your right hand, pull firmly on the material until the waistband slips over your left hip (under your trousers) and the left leg hole of your pants appears outside the trouser leg. If you hear a nasty tearing noise, you break wind or lose your balance and fall over at this stage I am sorry. Also please refrain from answering the front door if the bell rings at this crucial stage - not a pretty sight!
5. Pull the leg hole and waistband down over the bent left knee and secure your pants there for a moment while you take a breather. If you are 'panting' then you are not very fit.
6. Keeping the left leg bent, pull the pants over your foot and slip it out of the left leg hole and waistband. Release the material so that the pants spring back up inside your trousers. Be careful that the tense elastic does not cause your pants to fly up so fast that your 'pride and joy' is injured (if you are a male of course - I should hate to be the indirect cause of ruining anyone's marital prospects).
7. It should be plain sailing from here. By reaching up inside the right trouser leg, you should be able to grasp the material of your pants and simply slide them down your leg and off your foot with a flourish. Job done! If the front door bell rings in all probability it is the men in white coats calling to take you away.
It is possible to put your underpants back on by reversing the sequence of moves. Or you could just do it in the normal way, like an ordinary human being.
So now you know. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Getting one's knickers in a twist".
When I finally get some more time I am planning to do some more Freddie Bluelights analyses on why men's and women's brains work differently and the consequences. These will be as sequels to those studies already done.
I must do the conclusion of the Eddie's feet saga - remember the Grim Reaper was threatening a hostile takeover of Eddie. How did Eddie deal with that? . . . . watch this space!
Plus, one fine day I will revive The Wizard Of Oz . . . . a big ask at the moment.
Talking of rattling - my teeth are!! It's so cold here in UK and I am told in Scotland temperatures are forecast to drop to -20 degrees C. Not nearly as bad as that here in Southern England around Bristol. I sympathise with the animals that hibernate and if I could I would. I feel I should put on some long Johns, a pullover, a night cap, some socks and go to bed with only my nose showing above the duvet. Good night! . . . . . . "Zzzzzzzzzzz"