Letter to a Bank from an Old Lady, aged 86

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

She should have gone to SpecSavers

The material for this post is not entirely mine - I've added bits and pieces to beef it up a bit, adding a dash of 'Eddie' here and there, plus the photo!! I thought you might be amused.

We have all experienced frustrations at the hands of banks but apart from a brief illustration in an Adrian Mole book I have never found anything causing me to laugh so loudly as this lady's letter, which is highly in tune with the nonsense we have today in the banking world. These banks have been greedy, rude, unhelpful and unsupportive at our expense for so long they truly deserve this mighty 'left hook' from our wonderful old lady.

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Shown below, is an actual letter (plus a few additions from me) which was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Wonder if he put his bonus on the line!

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Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

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Whilst writing, I wonder if you are the same bank manager wearing a glass eye whom my son mentioned recently when he visited your bank to apply for a loan. During his conversation with you he remembered well your refusal to grant the loan but in particular he remembers you asking him why he was looking into your glass eye as you conversed with him. His reply was he considered that to be the only eye you possessed showing any semblance of humanity!

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

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Oh! and I trust you shall be donating your huge, self-indulgent, comical, contemptible, derisory, farcical, incredible, ludicrous, nonsensical, outrageous, preposterous, unbelievable bonus to a suitable charity of your choice.

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Your Humble Client.

Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " THEM SENIORS" !!!!! )

And remember, you banks and big corporations:

Don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off . . . . . AND in a fight they will run rings round you - they've been there and done it and know how to treat you mere upstarts who think you know it all - they've tried all your stupid ideas and proved they do not work - so why don't you listen to them!!!

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Just had to footnote this with Menopausal Old Bag's joke:

Q. How can you tell when a bank manager/MP is lying?

A. When his/her lips start moving!

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Once again, David, thank you for your POTD award for They're Off: Blogger's Grand National, my previous post. I am honoured to receive it.