"How Do I Get Me Pants and Trousers On, Love?"
Little did I know I was soon to answer my own question by cleverly adapting The Hokey Cokey dance.
I was back home and I found this task to be the most difficult operation since my hip replacement because I was not able to bend down far enough to reach my left foot without a major risk of hip dislocation. Two other things I could not do either - wash my feet and wash my hair and so Mrs Bluelights helped me out with these.
Hair washing was akin my wife aiming a powerful jet of water from the shower straight into my ears. which I always hate! I cannot wait to be able to do it myself the old way, under the shower.
Then I pioneered putting on pants and trousers and was inspired by the Hokey Cokey dance for some reason.
"You put your left leg in, your right leg in, in out in out and shake it all about!"
I used the curved end of the walking stick to hook the trousers and at floor level, aimed my improving left foot into a trouser hole and, just like catching a fish, bingo, "Got ya!" I knew I had a 50% chance of getting the correct leg into the correct trouser, thus ensuring I was facing the right way round enabling me to walking forwards not backwards eventually. I proceeded to hoist my 'quarry' up my leg, wriggling my foot as the dance says, "Shaking all about!", to assist movement upwards. Then the same for the right leg and with luck I had my trousers on the correct way round. Several dummy runs caused me to place two legs down one trouser, on one occasion a foot appeared out of the zip fly and I did get them on the wrong way round sometimes - but I soon perfected the technique with a 95% success rate. I shall spare your blushes about how I managed to get my underpants on but needless to say I pioneered and equally ingenious and danger free technique and I am pleased to be here, alive and able to tell the tale.
Before all this and back at the hospital, it was day three and I saw Ed the physio who showed me a set of 10 exercises designed to strengthen my legs and buttock muscles. (Don't laugh! - I'll allow you a respectful grin. I will not show you a photo because I might make a complete arse of myself LOL.) I managed to do all the exercises quite easily and was able to do the maximum 20 repeats straight away. Ed said I would in all probability be discharged that afternoon. I remarked to him and his next patient on the ward, an elderly gent who had been hospitalised for over a week, that Ed would make ballet dancers out of us yet!
During my stay I found out I could email from a local device and I was able to send and receive emails from a few of my blogging friends. This lifted me a bit further. All this time I did feel as though I had been in a fight with Mike Tyson but I was relatively pain free which was wonderful. Visitors were amazed at how well I looked but in reality I was much weaker than normal and well below par.
I was indeed discharged that day after saying my goodbyes and in a way I was quite sad to leave. They had looked after me very well and I totally respected them all, as indeed I always do to all the nursing and hospital staff I meet everywhere. I was wheeled to the departure lounge and there I saw two Ambulance Men I knew who worked for another Ambulance Service. They were amused and surprised to see me as a patient for a change. A friend of the family, an ex-nurse, who worked at the hospital had visited me earlier and she said she would take me home, so there was no need for Mrs Bluelights to drive all the way to the hospital.
After a few days at home I was aware that my left leg was swelling unnaturally and when the district nurse visited she was a little alarmed to see I had developed an infection at the base of the wound. I felt lousy and a course of antibiotics was prescribed. Fortunately, these did a wonderful job and after a few days we knew they were effective.
Well I think I have run out of space and shall conclude the story next week and by popular request I will including a You Tube of the enire operation for those who like blood and gore. I am having difficulty finding it right now. I would quite understand anyone who declined my kind offer but for those masochists who revel in imagining it is Eddie as the patient, please be my guest next week LOL.
Also next time, I shall cover some of your encouraging words including a kind observation that my surgeon had recoupled my leg the right way round and not facing backwards, about me soon being able to pole vault, triple jump and ice skate with triple loops - plus my attempts to walk to the local shops, please tune in then.