How To Fix UK's Economy In One Hit

 Like the make-over and green rinse?  LOL

Now this is a series of Wizard ideas on how to revive our flagging economy here in the UK and I suspect elsewhere.  I received an email recently which forms the basis of this post but of course I have added other things, as I usually do. LOL  Please let us ALL write to the Prime Minister to try to knock some sense into Government Policy.

Ok -here we go!

Dear British Prime Minister

Please find below our suggestions for fixing the  UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses instead of actually lending it to industry and would be home owners, use the following plan.   You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire..
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their grand kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
 

And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

With all those savings you can afford to pay £500K to those dear, poor retired people currently struggling on a mean and meagre state pension which you greedy so and sos tax.  This will in turn stimulate spending and assist greatly in reviving the economy.  However, if more money is needed to finance this, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Stop ALL immigration immediately.

With our revived economy now flourishing stop ALL manufactured imports and start new manufacturing industries throughout UK and then we can start Exporting again and reduce our crippling balance of payments.

Leave Europe immediately and stand alone like Switzerland.  They are doing very nicely thank you!  Europe stinks!  If you must link with someone declare war on USA and surrender next day and become the 51st State.  Believe me! they love us, especially me, our history, our humour (or humor), the way we talk . . . . and petrol will come down in price from 137p per litre (over £5 per US Gallon) . . . . . golly there would be riots if they had to pay that!!

Stop immediately ALL Globalisation!!  It holds every country down!!  Let successful countries excel.
 Also, Prime Minister……….. 

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Folks, if you think these ideas would work, please forward to everyone you know.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of  Britain to speak up!

They Cut My Phone Off AGAIN

 "No Eddie!  That will not get the phone working!"

 

This account of utter incompetence by our late service provider, TALK TALK, follows my previous post which describes our total inability to receive any call for an unacceptable period.  This time round we could just about make feeble outgoing calls due to a line fault.  My account of all this shows just how difficult it was to 'galvanise' these folk to restore our service. It took 3 days to get it fixed.

Mrs Bluelights and I enjoyed our fully working phone and internet service for just ONE DAY.  The following morning I picked up the phone hoping to make a call and it was completely DEAD.  We were cut off  from all phone conversations AND of course all internet communication was now impossible.

From our front window I could see the cause of the problem. Workmen had been digging up the pavement, YET AGAIN, but this time further up the road.  There was no-one there - just a big hole cordoned off and in the hole I saw all the telephone cables and a large supply of chippings were ready to bury them.  The company responsible for this was OPEN REACH who are contracted to repair and install telephone lines for both BT and TALK TALK. As mentioned before TALK TALK use BT lines for their service.  I enquired of a few neighbours asking them if their phones were working and they all said yes and the neighbour living alongside the hole said they had just had a business line installed which was working.  From the OPEN REACH sign I obtained a telephone number.  I rang the number on my mobile and I was pleased to hear a human voice immediately.  I reported that due to work by their engineers my line had been cut and I would like it restored.  The lady said rudely, "Nothing to do with us!" and she said it was not possible for me to report the fault to them and I should do so to BT.  I felt like saying it had everything to do with you, you silly bovine creature but  I asked her for a BT telephone contact number so I could report the fault so they could come back and fix it.  "Sorry, I do not have a number please look in your local telephone directory!"

At home and already fuming I tried in vain to reach BT line faults through their menu driven automated voice system and the annoying part was that the 0800 freephone service from a land line was not available to any mobile user, so this was a very expensive call. The automated lady kept apologising that they were very busy, my call meant a lot to them, my call was in a queue and they would deal with it as soon as they could.  Ten minutes later I was still in the queue and getting very frustrated.  This fruitless call cost me £10. Mrs Bluelights advised I had better give up for the night because I was showing tell tale signs of blowing a fuse.

I left a note in a prominent position the hole hoping it would be found and read by those morons who had cut my phone line explaining that my line was cut and would they please investigate and restore it.  Some hope!!!  The note was protected by a clear plastic wallet.  The next morning the hole had been filled and my note buried for ever, perhaps to be discovered by a future archaeologist investigating a series of rude notes  found regularly relating to similar circumstances.

Next morning, armed with all the TALK TALK telephone numbers, I made my way to my daughter's house where I am doing some restoration and decorating work and sat down to use her telephone to report the matter to TALK TALK.  The call was an 0800 number which is free of charge to land line users.  After a whole series of automated menu driven and highly annoying choices I was cut off after being thanked for calling TALK TALK by this female android voice.  Fuming, I rang the sales department where I obtained an immediate human voice seemingly drooling to sell me their services.  I explained that I was already  a poor and badly treated sod and as their customer and I wanted to report a fault.  "Which number, Sir?" was the reply and when I gave him our telephone number he said, "Ah! I see your fault has been corrected!"  I counted to ten and explained the fault was indeed corrected last week but I was trying to report a subsequent fault, hence the call.

"Are you speaking from that phone now, Sir?"
"Er! No! I cannot because the bloody phone is not working, so how can I?"
"No need to shout at me, Sir.  Are you at your house and can you speak to me on your mobile phone!"
"No . . . . and No! I am not in my house and I cannot afford to waste money talking to you on my mobile!  I am using a freephone service elsewhere which is denied to me using a mobile where I have already wasted £10 trying to report this!  I am not willing to spend a fortune using my mobile Pay As You Go phone. How do you suggest I communicate with you? By bongo drums or semaphore or carrier pigeon . . . or maybe pony express?"

"We must test your line, Sir!"
"You can! my wife is at home all day!"
"Has she a mobile?"
"No"
"Well we cannot talk to her! . . . can we?"
"Then send someone round to fix it and then you can talk to her all day long, can't you!"

Anyway I reported the fault and he said he would get an engineer round to my house first thing in the morning.

Next morning arrived and sure enough a young fellow called round with some kit and tested the phone.  Surprise, surpise, he pronounced it stone dead and proceeded to trace the external connection.  He returned half an hour later to report that our line was no longer connected to anything!  It should have been connected inside a telephone cabinet a quarter of a mile away but was not and he actually found it three quarters of a mile away terminating in the middle of the road.  No wonder the internet had been so slow! He said "I shouldn't be telling you this but it may be that your line might have been used by BT for the business line up the road because you are serviced by TALK TALK, a rival company and this was the easiest way for them to fix it."  I told him I suspected this right from the outset.

He said that he was a line specialist (Line Man) and not an underground specialist (UG) and that he would report this and we would hear from them soon.

I received a call on my mobile from a BT engineer who said he was on his way and wanted to confirm where the overhead line was.  I said there were no overhead lines because it is all underground in our area.  "Oh! glad I called, saved me a journey, I will get a UG specialist to call at your house as soon as possible.  I received a call from a very pleased Mrs Bluelights saying that an OPEN REACH engineer had called round and he had partially fixed the phone.  We could now make calls but not receive any.


Well some progress . . . . Rome was not built in a day!


When I returned home Mrs Bluelights explained that a poor lady round the corner could now no longer receive any calls and that all their calls now came to our number.  Not sure how she found our mobile number but the dear old lady pleaded with me to try to report it to BT (her service provider) because she could not do so.  She could not contact any of her family except by expensive mobile.  I could now make calls and use the 0800 fee number so I was pleased to report the fault . . . . eventually!!!  I had to go through yet another series of menu driven choices before finally finding a human female person at BT.  I was now able to make the call and explain everything about the lady' line fault and my fault and that we had a crossed line.


Next day an OPEN REACH engineer called at the lady's house and fixed her phone and rang me on my mobile to say he was coming round to see me.  After a few minutes he rang the door bell and explained that my fault had not been reported so he was unable to deal with it regrettably.  He rang his HQ to check again and still it had not been reported.  He said it was a pity because he could easily have fixed it that afternoon.  He went!

I checked the phone . . . . . . and . . . . . complete silence!!
My line was uncoupled yet again and I could neither make or receive calls and the internet was down, as it was from the start. All extremely depressing.

I promptly rang TALK TALK on my mobile to find out what the blazes was going on!  With fire coming out of my ears and steam from my nostrils I got through to the fault line and asked them to ring me back which they did, fortunately.  I was asked for my telephone number and was advised there was a fault on that line!!!  To use a Jim Suldog expression, "Holy Mary on a pogo stick! what dumb and cretinous collection of twits they all are at TALK TALK! Why don't they rename themselves as CAN'T TALK?"  The line went silent - my mobile had run out of money!  All this is not good for any one's blood pressure and a very good lady friend of mine said that if this had happened to her someone would have been killed by now.

Next morning at my daughter's house I managed to reach the fault department . . . . . eventually.
An android said after some awful fill in music, "If you would like to talk to someone about this fault please press 3 on the key pad!"
Ah! . . . . . we might be getting somewhere!", I thought eagerly after a good night's sleep.
"Hello Sir, my name is £$@?$%", said an eastern gentleman with an incomprehensible name in an almost incomprehensible voice, "how can we help you!"
I went through the whole thing yet again and asked him why he had not reported the fault.
His amazing reply was that under the terms of the contract they had 30 days to fix the fault but they would try to do so within 72 hours!
"Oh and when exactly do you propose fixing my phone?  Day 29 maybe? or perhaps it might be my birthday day 28?  Now look never mind the 30 days I want this resolved today!! . . . . savvy"
I was absolutely blazing by now and demanded to speak to the managing director immediately.
"Solly, Sir, Zat is not possible!"
"Your manager then!"
"Solly Sir, I am authorised to deal with zis call!"
I ended by saying that unless my phone and internet service was fully restored this day I would terminate my contract with TALK TALK and write to every newspaper and magazine in the country explaining their total incompetence of this organisation.  I slammed the phone down!!

Silence for 24 hours . . . . . not a Dickie Bird from TALK TALK or anyone . . . . still no phone or internet!!! GRRRR!!

Next morning I rang the sales department explaining that I could get no sense whatsoever from the fault people and I had been left dangling for 24 hours not knowing what if anything they were doing.  I threatened to cancel my contract there and then unless I received prompt action. I was transferred to someone managing the engineering section and he informed me that my case had been referred upwards since it was a rare case of taking a while to resolve.  I gave him an earful explaining that the problem could have been fixed 2 days ago if someone from their organisation had bothered to report the matter to OPEN REACH who had knocked on my door informing me that no-one had done so. Why had they not done so and finished my sentence by informing him that next door's cat could give me better service.

"Don't shout at me!"  he said, "I am trying to get it fixed for you!"
"You are lucky my friend you are dealing with me . . . . Mrs Bluelights would crucify you . . .  and may yet do so unless you get this resolved TODAY!"

That afternoon I received a call on my mobile from their engineering department asking if I was at home and would I be available to make tests on my phone.  They wanted to make sure the line was dead because if it wasn't then they would have to invoice me £100.  I was furious!! . . . . saying with vitriolic words spewing from my mouth to the effect that two OPEN REACH engineers had already tested it and agreed that the line had been terminally ill and had 'snuffed it' four days ago.

You will not believe this but that afternoon I received yet another call from OPEN REACH advising that they might have to charge me £100 if the line was found to be not dead.

"IT IS DEAD . . . . AS DEAD AS A DODO!!

I received a text message from TALK TALK saying my fault would be rectified in 72 hours.

I received another text from TALK TALK saying their engineers had found a fault.

I was absolutely at a loss to know what else I could do to get ANY sense out of ANYONE at TALK TALK.

Well . . . . next day an OPEN REACH engineer did call round and eventually managed to restore our line just in time to hand it over to Virgin Media my new service provider with whom I am well pleased . . . . so far!!


TALK TALK did not like this at all . . . . another customer defecting to their arch rival.  Well it is purely their fault and no-one else's.  I now have a much faster broadband, clearer phone (which works) and a good TV service. . . . . . all fed by fibre optic cable . . . . much faster and much more efficient that the copper connections on a BT line.  I tested the broadband and it delivers an impressive 30Mb and opposed to about 6 Mb I was getting before.

Next day I received a call from TALK TALK informing me that they would be prepared to upgrade my service at no extra charge if I stayed with them.  They also asked me to grade from 0 to 5 a series of questions designed to improve customer service.  I shall not tell you what my response was LOL.

Now, who's had the last laugh?
Up yours TALK TALK

No Phone or Internet for 12 days

Imagine it - being cut off from the entire cyber world for 12 days and, even worse, being unable to receive telephone calls or dial out. The only lifeline to our outside world was my mobile - Mrs Bluelights does not have one or even want one being a bit of a Luddite.  We take communications for granted these days, don't we, and it is only when we have none that we realise just how much we depend on them, particularly the telephone.

Until recently our service provider was TALK TALK and they have been distinguished by their deplorable service during the entire month because we had two phone/internet breakdowns and each time I had great difficulty restoring the service on our British Telecom line on which TALK TALK provides it's service. The first occasion was when BT dug up the pavement across the road to repair a fault for one of my neighbours.  Result, our telephone did not work properly but the Internet did because the line was not totally dead.  Next morning, although we still could receive no incoming calls I did manage to dial out on a very weak line to TALK TALK's fault line, feeling confident I would soon be able to report the fault and get it resolved quickly.  Little did I know just how difficult was the task which lay before me.  I had to go down an automated voice route and the choices on the menu did not match my situation exactly and all I wanted was to speak to a human being.  Oh no! - not possible!  I did eventually end up at the right place and this android lady asked me to key my telephone number onto my key pad including area code followed by the hash key.  I felt this request a little odd because I was actually talking to their organisation and being a company specialising in communications I thought it not unreasonable for them to be able to recognise my telephone number which was actually live on their system.  By hey ho! I duly obliged and keyed it in but was horrified to hear this alien female voice informing me that they did not recognise that telephone number!!  My mind blew and my forehead was getting hotter.  Had I had the luxury of actually speaking to a real person I would probably have said, "What! This is nonsense!  I'm speaking to you on this number you silly cow, how the hell can you not recognise it!".  Instead I was baffled at their next utterence! "Thank you for talking to TALK TALK, please be assured we are striving to improve our service and would be grateful if you would answer a few questions for our customer service department grading your replies from 1 to 5, good day".  With that they left me dangling listening to some horrible head bashing music which was carefully chosen to raise my blood pressure even higher.  How the hell did they expect a decent score when clearly they would be lucky to get 0 because I had not even been able to report the fault?  I slammed the phone down and had a cup of coffeee.  I then proceeded to go through the whole palarva again striving to find a way of reporting the fault.  The result - exactly the same!!  In desparation I thought the only was to reach a human being may be to go through to their sales department.  I tried it and . . . . . bingo!! . . . . . a member of Homo Sapiens Sapiens.  But wait a minute, I could not understand him!!  The call centre was in an eastern country somewhere.  I asked him to speak slowly and clearly so I could understand him and he promptly informed me that his English was 'velly, velly good and he was top of his class'.  I told him I was trying to report a fault and got total nonsense from a mechanised automated voice and wanted to speak to a real person, hence my call to him and would he kindly transfer me to someone, anyone, who may take my call to get an engineer on the case. "Velly good, sir, I give you this direct line".  I said thank you and tried the number . . . . . and frustration upon frustration . . . . another series of automated voices, but this time a menu choice seemed to fit my situation better and I managed to reach . . . . . . . a human!!  Hooray!!  An oriental lady asked me for my telephone number!  I resisted temptation to call her a silly cow and shouting . . . . "I'm speaking on it! you blethering idiot".  After a lot of questions I was transferred to . . . . . you've guessed it . . . . another automated voice which promptly asked me for my mobile number but before I could answer with this vital information so they could contact me she said, "Please put the phone down so we can start some tests which should last up to an hour. Thank you for calling TALK TALK."  . . . . . silence.

I was left wondering, what am I to do now?  I am left dangling in mid air!.  After another cup of coffee and 2 hours later I rang the number again and was asked by yet another automated voice, "Please key in your telephone number including your area code, followed by the hash key."  "Here we go again!" I said to myself, and yes, the reply was, "I am sorry, we do not recognise that number, thank you for calling TALK TALK!" Call ended . . . . silence.  I rang the sales department yet again and reached another male overseas voice, equally indistinct.  I reported the incident and he gave me a different number which I tried.  This time I was informed that this android actually recognised the number but there was a fault on it and it had been reported to the engineers. "I know there is a fault on it, you cretin! - I REPORTED IT!!!", I felt like saying!  The voice asked me for my mobile number which I keyed in and promptly the line went dead.  No explanations, no reassurances, no apologies . . . . . nothing!!  I had had enough by now because I was totally stressed out. Not good for heart or blood pressure.

I received a text message informing me that there was 'an issue with my phone line and the matter would be rectified withing 72 hours'.  "WHAAAAAT! 72 blooming hours!!!  I replied, "This is totally unacceptable",  and sent my text reply.  Result, my reply failed!! I tried again and it failed again!! I tried again . . . . . failed. 


I received yet another text message saying they hoped to resolve my line issue in . . . . . yes, you've guessed it . . . . . . 72 hours!"  I did not know whether to laugh or cry!  Surely they're taking the piss!


Two days later, after, several frustrating calls, the line was restored to normal . . . . . thank God.  I received another text message informing me that they considered the fault had been repaired and would I kindly reply by text FIXED or UNFIXED and they would take the appropriate action.  I tried several times to reply FIXED but each time my reply failed.  For a communications organisation I am utterly amazed that their entire communications ethos is such an enormous pile of crap! Next door's cat would have made a better job of it.

Well I did say there was another fault LOL . . . . . . . and there was . . . and this time the story is much more complicated and far harder for me to resolve.  I look forward to telling the story next time.  A must read. It is a total riot looking back on it.

Meanwhile, it is so nice to be back on line.

Watch this space!

Get Three People Across River For $5 Conundrum

Here I am with my famous thinking hat LOL.
This post is another 'oldie' maths problem on which I am putting a modern day slant, plus a well known older version (famous at least here in the UK).  The problem is based on two incredibly stubborn characters, one of whom we met last time, the stingy Mr X with moths in his wallet and the nice one, non other than Eddie Bluelights himself! Why? - because I am writing it, of course! LOL. Three people have to get across a river to a party and Mr X has a rowing boat and insists on charging $2 each to row them across. "Extortionate", says Eddie, and he will have none of it.  He says the most he will pay is $5 for the three, himself and two attractive ladies (why? because I am writing it, you silly Gumbos and it makes the problem more interesting having such nice companions). Both ladies are tall, one has long jet black hair and the other is a fiery red head.  Unfortunately there is no room in this story for a blonde lady this time . . . she might step on my toe and break it, so I will leave her out.  Mr X will not budge so the three have a pow wow as to the best way of solving the problem of paying just $5. "Eddie, dear!", said the brunette, that man reminds me of someone who lives in a haunted house, quick let's give him the slip. I'd rather walk than get in his rowing boat!".  "And me!", said the red head.  "That's it!", said Eddie, "we'll walk half way and then I'll go back for the boat.  With him not doing anything and me doing the rowing I'm sure he will agree to $3. Then I'll and row myself back, pick you up, drop you off and row back and ask him to row me across for $2 - making $5 in all and not $6 he he."  "You clever man, you, and hey if you manage to pull it off I'll show you my Zydeco."  "And I'll show you my Jitterbug", said the red head. "How can I resist?", said Eddie, as the three started walking into the river.  Half way the two ladies were completely out of sight, but Eddie knew they were alright because he was holding their hands.  He floundered back to see Mr X who agreed the price of $3 since Eddie was rowing.  Eddie, pulled on the oars as fast as he could back to the middle of the river and fished the ladies out. They looked like two red faced shrimps but he landed them unceremoniously into the boat and rowed them across.  He indeed rowed back and Mr X rowed him across for another $2. Sorry ladies, you got a bit wet there - perhaps you should have tried swimming. "Well done, cher!"

Anyway, this story has been told before and in 1933 Marriott Edgar wrote a monologue recorded by Stanley Holloway, called "Runcorn Ferry".  This time the three people wanting to get across the river Mersey in Lancashire, were Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom and their son, Albert.  The two towns are Runcorn and Widnes, where I was born . . . and in the monologue nobody wants to visit LOL.  Mr X's predecessor is old Ted the boatman, who used to row folks across for, "Tuppence per person per trip! . . . . or per part of per trip."

Of course both the rowing boat and the transporter bridge have long gone but I do remember the old transporter bridge and travelling across it as a boy.  The river Mersey certainly does not look inviting for a walk across so I would definitely have gladly paid 6 pence for three LOL. Enjoy the monologue. Oh! and the Zydeco and Jitterbug are two types of dances . . . . just in case you wondered.

I am still very busy outside Blogsville but could not resist this one LOL. With all the work I am doing my face is as red as a shrimp as well LOL.

Oh! and there is a feature about the Royal Wedding on my other blog, Plato's Procrastinations which contains some rather dubious footage. There - that's grabbed your interest - see HERE for a laugh.

Three Men And A Hotel Bill Conundrum

I'm still not functioning fully in BlogLand - I am very busy at my daughter's house and consequently not much time is available for blogging.

(No I am not constipated, or cross - I am thinking . . . like Socrates LOL)

But I do have a little conundrum for you.  To make it a little more interesting I am adding a few characters which those 'in the know' will find amusing LOL.

Three men are travelling together, let us call them Mr X, Mr P and Mr B. Mr X is shrink and a miserable so and so.  He has no sense of humour whatsoever, being of German extraction. Mr B is a builder and has the nick name "Twinkle Toes" since he likes to trip the light fantastic whenever he can.  Mr P has a racy sports car and a very expensive camera.  They are all looking for the same very elusive lady who seems to have successfully given them all the slip, yet again.  It is very late and even though they can't stand the sight of each other they realise it is futile carrying on their search and so reluctantly they decide to stop for the night at the next hotel or motel they pass.  They find one a little way further on their travels and so they pull in and walk to reception.

The tight fisted German, Mr X, is delighted when they are told the room costs just $30 for the three of them and so they pay the desk clerk come bell boy, Eddie Bluelights, $10 each. (My word I get some interesting jobs don't I?).  Moths fly out of Mr X's wallet because he doesn't use it very often.

The manager is furious and poor Eddie gets a right rollicking because there is a special promotion running and the room should have cost only $25 for the night but dear Eddie forgot all about it.  Well, he is not perfect!!  "Give them $5 back immediately - here do it at once . . . or you are fired!" 

"Ok boss!" . . . . . All together . . . . . "Poor Eddie! how dare that bully bully him like that, we all love him! Leave him alone you monster!"

Eddie is furious because he realises he won't get a tip for all this so he figures out a little plan.  He reasons that because they paid in advance they would be happy if he paid back some money to each of the men and keep some as a tip for himself . . . because he also is a tight fisted so and so! LOL.  Realising they will never know the real deal, devious Eddie pockets $2 as a hidden tip and refunds each man $1.  Mr X's eyes light up as he is handed $1 and rapidly stuffs it into his bulging wallet. The other two men just say, "Thank you", and put their 1$ in the charity box.  They did not dream of saying to Eddie, "Keep it!" Rotten b's!

The chamber maid, a delightful lady with seemingly boundless energy and very long hair, notices Eddie's antics, winks at him and says, "Eddie, you are a naughty boy! - you are awful! . . . but I like you!  Hey man - these guys will go bananas if they see you have cheated them out of one third of the $2 you should have returned. I should report you really but won't do it if you can explain why the mathematics of all this does not add up.  Listen Eddie dear, because this whole thing does not make any sense to me! Lawd have mercy on my sanity LOL.  Hey buddy, since each of these men paid $10, and have now gotten $1 back they have each paid $9.  $3 times 9 is $27, plus $2 you have pocketed equals only $29 and not the $30 we started out with.  Where is the other $1?  Answer me that, Eddie - find me the answer if you can!"

"Easy peasy!", says Eddie.  "The answer to this puzzle is in the language used to pose the question.  In reality there is no missing $1.  3 x 9 is indeed 27 (a bit of your usual linguistic misdirection, me thinks), and I do indeed have $2, but adding them together has nothing to do with solving the problem, it just adds to the confusion, and makes the puzzler what it is.  Here is the real break down:

"The hotel has $25, Eddie has $2 and each of the men have $1.  So, 25 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 30, nothing is missing."

"Oh you are a clever boy . . . and you have passed the test . . . . but I think you should give me $1 so we have $1 each!"

"Oh alright, but you owe me a dance!"

"OK Bluelights! - you're on!"

Special Year 2011 + Year Of The Money + Building Work

Year Of The Money ???
Now that made you sit up didn't it?

I received this by email today.

This is all very intriguing:

This year we're going to experience four unusual dates.???
We have already experienced the January dates . . . . oh and for my American pals of course this in UK notation, dd/mm/yy

1/1/11

1/11/11

11/1/11

11/11/11

and that's not all...

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born -now add the age
you will be this year, and the result will be 111 for everyone!

For example - suppose I was was born in 1957 (I wish LOL), therefore: 57+54=111 mathematics!??
Special year!

AND . . . . this is the year of Money!!!
(So make sure you buy lottery tickets every week and don't forget your pal, Eddie LOL.)

This year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays and 5 Saturdays.

This happens only every 823 years.??
(Didn't you always want to know that?)

These particular years are known as 'Moneybags' the proverb goes that if you
send this to eight good friends (already today translated from the Brazilian
version!)? money will appear in the next four days as is explained in
Chinese feng-shui.? its a mystery, but its worth a try, good luck.

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I have been pitifully inactive in BlogLand of late.  I am busy decorating at my daughter's first house which she has bought recently.  We are all so pleased she and her fiancee are now on the housing ladder.  There have been extensive building alterations with walls knocked down, other walls bricked up, kitchen and bathroom gutted and redesigned.  The builders were very 'gun ho' and bashed the walls down with wild enthusiasm yielding heavy sledge hammers.  Typical of Mr B (for builder) in general, I would say (LOL) - mess everywhere - us painters and decorators always have to clear up after them and make good their imperfections and add a bit of polish.  My word - dust and mess everywhere.  The electricians are just as bad, chasing cables and double sockets into the walls with wild abandon with their electric hammer chisels - what a mess!!  And as for plumbers! well, water everywhere!!  Oh and the plasterer!! How the heck he does that without dropping huge dollops onto the floor like elephant dung I shall never know!! Hang on a minute there are large dollops on the floor!! LOL Guess who will clear it all up? You've got it - me, the decorator!! LOL.  I've seen it all before on building sites, which reminds me I owe you some funny posts about this era of my life. The creative work on this job is taking a little longer but order is gradually coming out of chaos, thereby reversing the second law of thermo dynamics.

In addition to this I am building up my double glazing agency with quite a degree of success I am pleased to say.

Several of my American pals are not sure what I mean by double glazing.  I shall be writing a post on this soon.

Meanwhile if you feel like a really good belly laugh please pop over to my other blog, Plato's Procrastinations, and Mr Dave Allen has a classic treat for you HERE , plus a funny story from your's truly.

Wedding Anniversary

We celebrated our wedding anniversary recently - goodness me, time has flown by.
Here we are all 'starry eyed' and ready for our journey in life into the unknown.
Isn't Mrs Bluelights a beauty? - still is!  We are on the way to our reception dinner.
Thank you for 38 wonderful years, my dear, and for two wonderful children.

The horn rimmed glasses are long pre SpecSavers . . . . LOL . . . and the style was very popular at the time.  Reminds me of the guitarist Hank Marvin of The Shadows, who played for Cliff Richard.

It would be nice to be young again, knowing what we know now! LOL