No Phone or Internet for 12 days

Imagine it - being cut off from the entire cyber world for 12 days and, even worse, being unable to receive telephone calls or dial out. The only lifeline to our outside world was my mobile - Mrs Bluelights does not have one or even want one being a bit of a Luddite.  We take communications for granted these days, don't we, and it is only when we have none that we realise just how much we depend on them, particularly the telephone.

Until recently our service provider was TALK TALK and they have been distinguished by their deplorable service during the entire month because we had two phone/internet breakdowns and each time I had great difficulty restoring the service on our British Telecom line on which TALK TALK provides it's service. The first occasion was when BT dug up the pavement across the road to repair a fault for one of my neighbours.  Result, our telephone did not work properly but the Internet did because the line was not totally dead.  Next morning, although we still could receive no incoming calls I did manage to dial out on a very weak line to TALK TALK's fault line, feeling confident I would soon be able to report the fault and get it resolved quickly.  Little did I know just how difficult was the task which lay before me.  I had to go down an automated voice route and the choices on the menu did not match my situation exactly and all I wanted was to speak to a human being.  Oh no! - not possible!  I did eventually end up at the right place and this android lady asked me to key my telephone number onto my key pad including area code followed by the hash key.  I felt this request a little odd because I was actually talking to their organisation and being a company specialising in communications I thought it not unreasonable for them to be able to recognise my telephone number which was actually live on their system.  By hey ho! I duly obliged and keyed it in but was horrified to hear this alien female voice informing me that they did not recognise that telephone number!!  My mind blew and my forehead was getting hotter.  Had I had the luxury of actually speaking to a real person I would probably have said, "What! This is nonsense!  I'm speaking to you on this number you silly cow, how the hell can you not recognise it!".  Instead I was baffled at their next utterence! "Thank you for talking to TALK TALK, please be assured we are striving to improve our service and would be grateful if you would answer a few questions for our customer service department grading your replies from 1 to 5, good day".  With that they left me dangling listening to some horrible head bashing music which was carefully chosen to raise my blood pressure even higher.  How the hell did they expect a decent score when clearly they would be lucky to get 0 because I had not even been able to report the fault?  I slammed the phone down and had a cup of coffeee.  I then proceeded to go through the whole palarva again striving to find a way of reporting the fault.  The result - exactly the same!!  In desparation I thought the only was to reach a human being may be to go through to their sales department.  I tried it and . . . . . bingo!! . . . . . a member of Homo Sapiens Sapiens.  But wait a minute, I could not understand him!!  The call centre was in an eastern country somewhere.  I asked him to speak slowly and clearly so I could understand him and he promptly informed me that his English was 'velly, velly good and he was top of his class'.  I told him I was trying to report a fault and got total nonsense from a mechanised automated voice and wanted to speak to a real person, hence my call to him and would he kindly transfer me to someone, anyone, who may take my call to get an engineer on the case. "Velly good, sir, I give you this direct line".  I said thank you and tried the number . . . . . and frustration upon frustration . . . . another series of automated voices, but this time a menu choice seemed to fit my situation better and I managed to reach . . . . . . . a human!!  Hooray!!  An oriental lady asked me for my telephone number!  I resisted temptation to call her a silly cow and shouting . . . . "I'm speaking on it! you blethering idiot".  After a lot of questions I was transferred to . . . . . you've guessed it . . . . another automated voice which promptly asked me for my mobile number but before I could answer with this vital information so they could contact me she said, "Please put the phone down so we can start some tests which should last up to an hour. Thank you for calling TALK TALK."  . . . . . silence.

I was left wondering, what am I to do now?  I am left dangling in mid air!.  After another cup of coffee and 2 hours later I rang the number again and was asked by yet another automated voice, "Please key in your telephone number including your area code, followed by the hash key."  "Here we go again!" I said to myself, and yes, the reply was, "I am sorry, we do not recognise that number, thank you for calling TALK TALK!" Call ended . . . . silence.  I rang the sales department yet again and reached another male overseas voice, equally indistinct.  I reported the incident and he gave me a different number which I tried.  This time I was informed that this android actually recognised the number but there was a fault on it and it had been reported to the engineers. "I know there is a fault on it, you cretin! - I REPORTED IT!!!", I felt like saying!  The voice asked me for my mobile number which I keyed in and promptly the line went dead.  No explanations, no reassurances, no apologies . . . . . nothing!!  I had had enough by now because I was totally stressed out. Not good for heart or blood pressure.

I received a text message informing me that there was 'an issue with my phone line and the matter would be rectified withing 72 hours'.  "WHAAAAAT! 72 blooming hours!!!  I replied, "This is totally unacceptable",  and sent my text reply.  Result, my reply failed!! I tried again and it failed again!! I tried again . . . . . failed. 


I received yet another text message saying they hoped to resolve my line issue in . . . . . yes, you've guessed it . . . . . . 72 hours!"  I did not know whether to laugh or cry!  Surely they're taking the piss!


Two days later, after, several frustrating calls, the line was restored to normal . . . . . thank God.  I received another text message informing me that they considered the fault had been repaired and would I kindly reply by text FIXED or UNFIXED and they would take the appropriate action.  I tried several times to reply FIXED but each time my reply failed.  For a communications organisation I am utterly amazed that their entire communications ethos is such an enormous pile of crap! Next door's cat would have made a better job of it.

Well I did say there was another fault LOL . . . . . . . and there was . . . and this time the story is much more complicated and far harder for me to resolve.  I look forward to telling the story next time.  A must read. It is a total riot looking back on it.

Meanwhile, it is so nice to be back on line.

Watch this space!

Get Three People Across River For $5 Conundrum

Here I am with my famous thinking hat LOL.
This post is another 'oldie' maths problem on which I am putting a modern day slant, plus a well known older version (famous at least here in the UK).  The problem is based on two incredibly stubborn characters, one of whom we met last time, the stingy Mr X with moths in his wallet and the nice one, non other than Eddie Bluelights himself! Why? - because I am writing it, of course! LOL. Three people have to get across a river to a party and Mr X has a rowing boat and insists on charging $2 each to row them across. "Extortionate", says Eddie, and he will have none of it.  He says the most he will pay is $5 for the three, himself and two attractive ladies (why? because I am writing it, you silly Gumbos and it makes the problem more interesting having such nice companions). Both ladies are tall, one has long jet black hair and the other is a fiery red head.  Unfortunately there is no room in this story for a blonde lady this time . . . she might step on my toe and break it, so I will leave her out.  Mr X will not budge so the three have a pow wow as to the best way of solving the problem of paying just $5. "Eddie, dear!", said the brunette, that man reminds me of someone who lives in a haunted house, quick let's give him the slip. I'd rather walk than get in his rowing boat!".  "And me!", said the red head.  "That's it!", said Eddie, "we'll walk half way and then I'll go back for the boat.  With him not doing anything and me doing the rowing I'm sure he will agree to $3. Then I'll and row myself back, pick you up, drop you off and row back and ask him to row me across for $2 - making $5 in all and not $6 he he."  "You clever man, you, and hey if you manage to pull it off I'll show you my Zydeco."  "And I'll show you my Jitterbug", said the red head. "How can I resist?", said Eddie, as the three started walking into the river.  Half way the two ladies were completely out of sight, but Eddie knew they were alright because he was holding their hands.  He floundered back to see Mr X who agreed the price of $3 since Eddie was rowing.  Eddie, pulled on the oars as fast as he could back to the middle of the river and fished the ladies out. They looked like two red faced shrimps but he landed them unceremoniously into the boat and rowed them across.  He indeed rowed back and Mr X rowed him across for another $2. Sorry ladies, you got a bit wet there - perhaps you should have tried swimming. "Well done, cher!"

Anyway, this story has been told before and in 1933 Marriott Edgar wrote a monologue recorded by Stanley Holloway, called "Runcorn Ferry".  This time the three people wanting to get across the river Mersey in Lancashire, were Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom and their son, Albert.  The two towns are Runcorn and Widnes, where I was born . . . and in the monologue nobody wants to visit LOL.  Mr X's predecessor is old Ted the boatman, who used to row folks across for, "Tuppence per person per trip! . . . . or per part of per trip."

Of course both the rowing boat and the transporter bridge have long gone but I do remember the old transporter bridge and travelling across it as a boy.  The river Mersey certainly does not look inviting for a walk across so I would definitely have gladly paid 6 pence for three LOL. Enjoy the monologue. Oh! and the Zydeco and Jitterbug are two types of dances . . . . just in case you wondered.

I am still very busy outside Blogsville but could not resist this one LOL. With all the work I am doing my face is as red as a shrimp as well LOL.

Oh! and there is a feature about the Royal Wedding on my other blog, Plato's Procrastinations which contains some rather dubious footage. There - that's grabbed your interest - see HERE for a laugh.

Three Men And A Hotel Bill Conundrum

I'm still not functioning fully in BlogLand - I am very busy at my daughter's house and consequently not much time is available for blogging.

(No I am not constipated, or cross - I am thinking . . . like Socrates LOL)

But I do have a little conundrum for you.  To make it a little more interesting I am adding a few characters which those 'in the know' will find amusing LOL.

Three men are travelling together, let us call them Mr X, Mr P and Mr B. Mr X is shrink and a miserable so and so.  He has no sense of humour whatsoever, being of German extraction. Mr B is a builder and has the nick name "Twinkle Toes" since he likes to trip the light fantastic whenever he can.  Mr P has a racy sports car and a very expensive camera.  They are all looking for the same very elusive lady who seems to have successfully given them all the slip, yet again.  It is very late and even though they can't stand the sight of each other they realise it is futile carrying on their search and so reluctantly they decide to stop for the night at the next hotel or motel they pass.  They find one a little way further on their travels and so they pull in and walk to reception.

The tight fisted German, Mr X, is delighted when they are told the room costs just $30 for the three of them and so they pay the desk clerk come bell boy, Eddie Bluelights, $10 each. (My word I get some interesting jobs don't I?).  Moths fly out of Mr X's wallet because he doesn't use it very often.

The manager is furious and poor Eddie gets a right rollicking because there is a special promotion running and the room should have cost only $25 for the night but dear Eddie forgot all about it.  Well, he is not perfect!!  "Give them $5 back immediately - here do it at once . . . or you are fired!" 

"Ok boss!" . . . . . All together . . . . . "Poor Eddie! how dare that bully bully him like that, we all love him! Leave him alone you monster!"

Eddie is furious because he realises he won't get a tip for all this so he figures out a little plan.  He reasons that because they paid in advance they would be happy if he paid back some money to each of the men and keep some as a tip for himself . . . because he also is a tight fisted so and so! LOL.  Realising they will never know the real deal, devious Eddie pockets $2 as a hidden tip and refunds each man $1.  Mr X's eyes light up as he is handed $1 and rapidly stuffs it into his bulging wallet. The other two men just say, "Thank you", and put their 1$ in the charity box.  They did not dream of saying to Eddie, "Keep it!" Rotten b's!

The chamber maid, a delightful lady with seemingly boundless energy and very long hair, notices Eddie's antics, winks at him and says, "Eddie, you are a naughty boy! - you are awful! . . . but I like you!  Hey man - these guys will go bananas if they see you have cheated them out of one third of the $2 you should have returned. I should report you really but won't do it if you can explain why the mathematics of all this does not add up.  Listen Eddie dear, because this whole thing does not make any sense to me! Lawd have mercy on my sanity LOL.  Hey buddy, since each of these men paid $10, and have now gotten $1 back they have each paid $9.  $3 times 9 is $27, plus $2 you have pocketed equals only $29 and not the $30 we started out with.  Where is the other $1?  Answer me that, Eddie - find me the answer if you can!"

"Easy peasy!", says Eddie.  "The answer to this puzzle is in the language used to pose the question.  In reality there is no missing $1.  3 x 9 is indeed 27 (a bit of your usual linguistic misdirection, me thinks), and I do indeed have $2, but adding them together has nothing to do with solving the problem, it just adds to the confusion, and makes the puzzler what it is.  Here is the real break down:

"The hotel has $25, Eddie has $2 and each of the men have $1.  So, 25 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 30, nothing is missing."

"Oh you are a clever boy . . . and you have passed the test . . . . but I think you should give me $1 so we have $1 each!"

"Oh alright, but you owe me a dance!"

"OK Bluelights! - you're on!"

Special Year 2011 + Year Of The Money + Building Work

Year Of The Money ???
Now that made you sit up didn't it?

I received this by email today.

This is all very intriguing:

This year we're going to experience four unusual dates.???
We have already experienced the January dates . . . . oh and for my American pals of course this in UK notation, dd/mm/yy

1/1/11

1/11/11

11/1/11

11/11/11

and that's not all...

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born -now add the age
you will be this year, and the result will be 111 for everyone!

For example - suppose I was was born in 1957 (I wish LOL), therefore: 57+54=111 mathematics!??
Special year!

AND . . . . this is the year of Money!!!
(So make sure you buy lottery tickets every week and don't forget your pal, Eddie LOL.)

This year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays and 5 Saturdays.

This happens only every 823 years.??
(Didn't you always want to know that?)

These particular years are known as 'Moneybags' the proverb goes that if you
send this to eight good friends (already today translated from the Brazilian
version!)? money will appear in the next four days as is explained in
Chinese feng-shui.? its a mystery, but its worth a try, good luck.

____________________________________________________

I have been pitifully inactive in BlogLand of late.  I am busy decorating at my daughter's first house which she has bought recently.  We are all so pleased she and her fiancee are now on the housing ladder.  There have been extensive building alterations with walls knocked down, other walls bricked up, kitchen and bathroom gutted and redesigned.  The builders were very 'gun ho' and bashed the walls down with wild enthusiasm yielding heavy sledge hammers.  Typical of Mr B (for builder) in general, I would say (LOL) - mess everywhere - us painters and decorators always have to clear up after them and make good their imperfections and add a bit of polish.  My word - dust and mess everywhere.  The electricians are just as bad, chasing cables and double sockets into the walls with wild abandon with their electric hammer chisels - what a mess!!  And as for plumbers! well, water everywhere!!  Oh and the plasterer!! How the heck he does that without dropping huge dollops onto the floor like elephant dung I shall never know!! Hang on a minute there are large dollops on the floor!! LOL Guess who will clear it all up? You've got it - me, the decorator!! LOL.  I've seen it all before on building sites, which reminds me I owe you some funny posts about this era of my life. The creative work on this job is taking a little longer but order is gradually coming out of chaos, thereby reversing the second law of thermo dynamics.

In addition to this I am building up my double glazing agency with quite a degree of success I am pleased to say.

Several of my American pals are not sure what I mean by double glazing.  I shall be writing a post on this soon.

Meanwhile if you feel like a really good belly laugh please pop over to my other blog, Plato's Procrastinations, and Mr Dave Allen has a classic treat for you HERE , plus a funny story from your's truly.

Wedding Anniversary

We celebrated our wedding anniversary recently - goodness me, time has flown by.
Here we are all 'starry eyed' and ready for our journey in life into the unknown.
Isn't Mrs Bluelights a beauty? - still is!  We are on the way to our reception dinner.
Thank you for 38 wonderful years, my dear, and for two wonderful children.

The horn rimmed glasses are long pre SpecSavers . . . . LOL . . . and the style was very popular at the time.  Reminds me of the guitarist Hank Marvin of The Shadows, who played for Cliff Richard.

It would be nice to be young again, knowing what we know now! LOL

Pop Songs Sound The Same - It's Official!

Something a bit different for you.  Hey just listen to this.

Axis of Awesome is an modern day Australian comedy band consisting of  Jordan Raskopoulos, Lee Naimo and Benny Davis. The trio cover a wide variety of performance styles, and perform a combination of original material and pop parodieb and they have just dropped a bomshell in the music world. 

Here they prove beyond doubt that popular music for the last 40 years is based on just 4 simple chords.
Have a listen to these 40 songs. Amazing.

There's a Heron On The Roof, Memories and a Famous Rugby Match

"Hey, Eddie, quick!! There's a Heron on our roof!"

"Don't be so daft, Mrs Bluelights!"

"There is!! There is - quick get your camera!"

"I'm watching the game! A rugby game, the Barbarians versus The all Blacks 1973"

"Never mind the game! Snap it quick before it gets away! Here's your camera!"

"You'll be telling me we had peacocks in our garden next!"

"We did! We did! Last year.  Don't you remember?  They just dropped in unannounced!"

 "Oh yes I remember!  I did a post on it called 'Did You Invite Mr and Mrs Peacock?'

"There, I've caught the Heron on camera - no doubt it is waiting to catch a fish from next door's fish pond! Now can I finish watching the rugby match?"

Memories flashed through my mind just after we were married.  I was watching a cricket match on the television between England and The West Indies.  The new Mrs Bluelights asked, "Are they the All Blacks?" I collapsed laughing and replied, "I don't think so! Well they may be but the All Blacks is a famous New Zealand rugby union team."

Recently I watched the American Super Bowl final on television which I enjoyed very much but I love our rugby game and the rules are very different.  Forward passing is not permitted, as can be seen by one disallowed try on the video, and the players have to run through the field and get clobbered more often than not in their attempt to cross the goal line to score a try, which is a little like a touch down.  There are no shoulder pads or helmets, just flesh, bone, muscle and blood. We have scrums where 8 players from each team push against each other trying to get the ball. When 6 front row players come together (3 player from each side) an astonishing 2 tons pressure falls on their shoulders when the ball enters the scrum, put in by the scum half.  So they have to get their heads in place properly, or else!! Anyway without going into to much detail here is a clip of the greatest rugby match ever played between The Barbarians versus The All Blacks during 1973, two months before our wedding (when I was a free man LOL).  The first try scored is noted as the greatest rugby try ever scored and a famous Welsh player, arguably the best rugby player of all time, scrum half Gareth Edwards of Wales, made a 75 yard run after some brilliant passing and side stepping by his fellow team mates..


Enjoy and tell your grand children:

The All Blacks always have a pre-kick-off Haka war dance by tradition - designed to put the fear of God into the opposition.  On this ocassion it resembles a damp swib LOL.  "The Barbarians" team is made up from top players from all over the world.  During the 1970s Wales was the dominant rugby team in both the northern and southern hemispheres and many wonderful players, now legends are in this Barbarian side.

Gareth Edwards played for Cardiff, Wales, The Barbarians and The British Lions. In the St David's Shopping Centre, Cardiff a statue stands in honour of him.

It was rather embarrassing one day because during a particularly busy shopping day my rather eccentric Welsh brother in law suddenly yelled at the top of his voice, "PASS THE BALL! PASS THE BALL, GARETH! COME ON LAD!
PASS THE BALL!!!"

Everyone laughed and we looked for the biggest hole to crawl into LOL.