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Monday, 6 September 2010

The Official Euro Language

The European Commission, well known for its ridiculous directives, has just announced yet another.

Folk will no doubt remember the 'knomes in Brussels' telling us what shape bananas we might buy, which colour tomatoes shop owners can sell,  that eggs must be purchased by weight and no longer by the now taboo word, dozen, that pounds and ounces are soon to be phased out in favour of kilogrammes and that Brussels does not like the gallon - soon to be forbidden. 

It is curious isn't it that Brussels have not meddled with the unit of issue, colour or shape of Brussel Sprouts, widely expected by most Euro citizens.

The latest directive from Brussels is that English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

Do I hear a cheer?
Well, this is a partial victory . . . but read on.

As part of these negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
Year  phase-in plan for the eventual officially adopted language, known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.  
The hard "c" will be dropped
in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one

less letter.

In the second year there will be growing publik enthusiasm when
the troublesome "ph" will be replased with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters that have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of
the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"

and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.  Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Only kidding folks! LOL
Although nothing would surprise me.


  1. Funny stuff. Wouldn't it be horrible if true?

  2. It didn't just make me smile, it cracked me up. Genius is the word. It did sound German at the end! Too funny.

  3. Hey, Brussels: sprout this.

    (Great post, Eddie.)

  4. Eddie, You and my husband would be very good friends, I can tell that just from your bio. In fact after I read it out loud to him, he began speaking in a British accent. (We live in Utah LOL).We too had a son late in life, so our youngest is 18. We are just a couple years older than you. I know I am going to thoroughly enjoy your blog. Thanks for participating in my BBQ!


  5. Omigosh, you had me going there for a minute. What a hoot...!

  6. This is a great post Eddie, still having a good laugh over your sense of humor.....well done.
    .......:-) Hugs

  7. Your sense of humor continues to amaze me Eddie! Well done!

  8. hilarious! thanks for the laugh, sugar! xoxo

  9. I started thinking that for sure you weren't kidding!! Whew!! I never really wanted to speak and write German. Ha!
    Well done Eddie!!

  10. Had me going there, Eddie. This is a work of genius and, I'll bet, not far from ze truff.

  11. Ze truz, ze truz, und evrivar ze truz! LOL

    That had you going guys didn't it!

  12. Eddie, what were you drinking at Karen's BBQ?
    I'm rely woried about U!

    I gave up at year 5, and I thought txt speak was bad! But then, I'm someone who punctuates texts! i.e. old!

  13. first, I 'bit'...and then, I 'got it' (duh me!)...You always make me smile. That's a very good thing. Thank you for your smiles, your wonderful posts, your visits...for you.

  14. Well, cher, it's 1 o'clock in the morning and I finally made it over, after the BBQ! LOL I was all set to go to sleep, but this post cracked me up so much that now I'm wide awake, again! LOL So funny!!! Also, loved your comments at the BBQ! Cheers, mon ami!

  15. I was getting hot around the collar because it sounded very plausible!
    Brussels can get stuffed!
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

  16. goodness eddie! you had me applauding, grinning from ear to ear like a proud mother to a bloggie einstein!

    sassy :D

  17. Oh, YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a FANTASTIC post!!!! Laughing until the tears stream!!! Just the kind of thing a Writing Instructor LOVES to read!!!! I'm bookmarking this one...coming back again and again! Hugs, Janine

  18. Very good. As an English teacher of many years standing I reckon you would make an excellent head of department. Which department I'm not sure! European Studies?

  19. Ken, LOL
    I'm not even a teacher!! LOL
    Perhaps Head of Useless information!
    I'm still on my way to read your excellent "That Was The Month That Was" articles.

  20. Oh Eddie, You are very cleaver. I can only imagine what your suggestions would be to texting and Twitter shorthand. I'd never know what people were saying then!

    Hope you're feeling great.
    xo jj

  21. I understand that this should be read with a twinkle in the eye, but still, it makes me sad to think that this is what Americans think of the European Union. After living in an EU country for five years now, I am beginning to wish Americans would not always look down on Europe and Europeans. The sheer number of member states, 27, with 500 million citizens, trying to build a single market, developing common policies on trade, agriculture, fisheries, among others, should make one pause and try to understand that this cannot always be easy, with the one or other glitch or not so straight cucumber lurking in the many laws that need to be passed.


  22. Yes, point taken Merisi - thanks.
    It is entirely fictitious with a dash of inocent sarcasm to Brussels

  23. Holy cow, you had me going! lol


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