The Cerne Abbas Giant
or
The Rude Man© By Eddie Bluelights - August 2009
or
The Rude Man© By Eddie Bluelights - August 2009
Forgive me for showing this man, stark and rude,
with his 'friend' primed for action - so terribly crude!
He's carved in the hillside in Dorset, you see
In the chalk you can see him, as plain as can be.
The Cerne Abbas Giant is most easy to view
Just outside town on the A352
He measures just over 'one eighty feet'
With his club 'sixty' shorter, he looks quite a treat.
In the square you can see to the right of his head
Is a place that had maypoles on May Day, 'tis said.
They called it the Trendle or the Frying Pan
Where 'til '19 hundred' lots of festivities ran.
Regrettably now all this activity's stopped
The villager's youngsters to elsewhere have hopped.
At one time with children the whole place was teeming.
Now only old folk remain - faces beaming.
Of the giant, I consider it must take some doing
To wield that big club AND be ready for wooing.
He must be so clever at this multi-tasking
To hold that erection must take some asking!
He's held that position for 400 years,
You'd think that by now he'd be quite close to tears
For no lady giant is ever in sight
For to see him like that would sure give her a fright.
I think by that 'gormless' look on his face
He's banged his head hard with that lofty mace
His chest is lob-sided, his ribs are too few
He's got two left feet and he looks in a stew.
Regarding his 'member' it is far from small
At twenty six feet you might say it's tall
But somehow it's longer than it used to be
By over a foot from its first history.
Experts are baffled why this growth has occurred
Some say some pranksters have acted absurd.
With others convinced he has magical powers
In matters of folklore - they discuss this for hours!
Just why he appears in the way that he is
Is unknown at the present and a bit of a quiz
But stories abound of fertility rites
With tales of his assistance during passionate nights.
It starts with the ladies, unattached by their self
Not wishing ever to be left on the shelf
They spend the night sleeping at our giant's feet
And pray for a handsome, kind man soon to meet.
.
Married couples who cannot conceive on their own
Need assistance and guidance, and helpful tone.
They heard they could rely on help from the giant
And booked up quickly as his very next client.
.
They waited and waited until it was dark
Then climbed up the hillside, away from the park
They lay close together on the tip of his 'member'
And started to act in ways they should remember.
They tried lots of methods, positions and ways
Their inventiveness simply did not fail to amaze.
There was this way and that way - and perhaps this.
Their success they determined to hit - not to miss.
Just what was different I just cannot say
For when daybreak came, at first light of day
The couple walked down with wide smiles on their faces
And fond memories of the night's wild embraces.
They knew it was certain with child she'd be expecting
With no chance this time of their efforts rejecting.
Just what did he say, and what did he do?
No person who's done it will today give a clue!
_______________
with his 'friend' primed for action - so terribly crude!
He's carved in the hillside in Dorset, you see
In the chalk you can see him, as plain as can be.
The Cerne Abbas Giant is most easy to view
Just outside town on the A352
He measures just over 'one eighty feet'
With his club 'sixty' shorter, he looks quite a treat.
In the square you can see to the right of his head
Is a place that had maypoles on May Day, 'tis said.
They called it the Trendle or the Frying Pan
Where 'til '19 hundred' lots of festivities ran.
Regrettably now all this activity's stopped
The villager's youngsters to elsewhere have hopped.
At one time with children the whole place was teeming.
Now only old folk remain - faces beaming.
Of the giant, I consider it must take some doing
To wield that big club AND be ready for wooing.
He must be so clever at this multi-tasking
To hold that erection must take some asking!
He's held that position for 400 years,
You'd think that by now he'd be quite close to tears
For no lady giant is ever in sight
For to see him like that would sure give her a fright.
I think by that 'gormless' look on his face
He's banged his head hard with that lofty mace
His chest is lob-sided, his ribs are too few
He's got two left feet and he looks in a stew.
Regarding his 'member' it is far from small
At twenty six feet you might say it's tall
But somehow it's longer than it used to be
By over a foot from its first history.
Experts are baffled why this growth has occurred
Some say some pranksters have acted absurd.
With others convinced he has magical powers
In matters of folklore - they discuss this for hours!
Just why he appears in the way that he is
Is unknown at the present and a bit of a quiz
But stories abound of fertility rites
With tales of his assistance during passionate nights.
It starts with the ladies, unattached by their self
Not wishing ever to be left on the shelf
They spend the night sleeping at our giant's feet
And pray for a handsome, kind man soon to meet.
.
Married couples who cannot conceive on their own
Need assistance and guidance, and helpful tone.
They heard they could rely on help from the giant
And booked up quickly as his very next client.
.
They waited and waited until it was dark
Then climbed up the hillside, away from the park
They lay close together on the tip of his 'member'
And started to act in ways they should remember.
They tried lots of methods, positions and ways
Their inventiveness simply did not fail to amaze.
There was this way and that way - and perhaps this.
Their success they determined to hit - not to miss.
Just what was different I just cannot say
For when daybreak came, at first light of day
The couple walked down with wide smiles on their faces
And fond memories of the night's wild embraces.
They knew it was certain with child she'd be expecting
With no chance this time of their efforts rejecting.
Just what did he say, and what did he do?
No person who's done it will today give a clue!
_______________
Well, that was something a bit different from Mr Bluelights, wasn't it? I had great fun doing this and it was published in 2012 in a ladies' fertility magazine. I received an email one day asking if they could feature it.
I hope no-one was shocked - it's just meant to be good clean fun, and I did to write it tastefully.
For those wanting assistance from this giant urgently the road again is A352 and Cerne Abbas is not far from Dorchester
This post was 'inspired' when I drove past the giant, whom I have seen many times before, whilst driving an ambulance with a patient on a stretcher and with, yes, one of Eddie's Angels attending. Needless to say she had a fit of the giggles, quickly followed by lots of hysterics and wriggles and wiggles. Even the elderly patient sat up in her stretcher at the sight, remarking that she hadn't seen one like that for years, whilst adding that size is not everything! She was certainly no prude and must have been aged about 90. I am including an official website for the Cerne Abbas Giant containing more information for those interested.
Now to the question. Would you like another poem suggesting what the giant might have said or done? I don't think I dare, do you?
Following a comment I received asking 'does Viagra have an interest in this?', I added this footnote.
Well I think the answer is no. However just a few days ago, after I drove the ambulance past the giant, a giant Homer Simpson offering the giant a condom appeared. This incited a few of the local inhabitants along with some paganists. I have a link to the Daily Mail article.
I am honoured to receive POTD runner up from David McMahon at Authorblog.
Thank you David - It is always great to receive this award and I congratulate all the others nominated.
