"Freddie Bluelights!!!" did you say?
Yes! This is
Freddie Bluelights! and listen folks, this guy is
NO MUG!
and he never flies off the handle! A little later we shall see just how smart he really is when he explains why men can do one thing only, but properly, while women can do many things simultaneously, i.e
Multi-task.
Freddie might be asleep in this picture so you can't see his bluelights but if you look carefully you can see he has a certain glaze and brilliance about him even while he is snoozing. If his eyes were open you might see a familiar 'twinkle' for he is non other than a distant ancestor of your own Eddie Bluelights, related on my father's side. I came across him recently when I was compiling my family tree and I tracked him down to a little town called Bedrock in the good old US of A. He must have definitely spoken with an American accent and for some reason some of his descendants moved to England and they brought with them loads of stone tablets with writing on them, of which I will explain later.
I am sorry I have no photograph of him but I can tell you he was liked so much a cartoonist drew a whole series of sketches and I guess the media got to know just how nice he really was and he caught on everywhere. They made a whole series of animated cartoons about him, his wife Wilma and his friend Barnie and the Dinosaurs. However they portrayed a sort of 'thicko' caricature which was not the case at all because in real life he was a highly intelligent ape man. He attended Bedrock University where he graduated with a double first in Human Behavioural Studies and Paleontology and quickly went on to obtain his PhD doctorate in his chosen specialist subject The Reasons Why Women Can Multi-Task And Men Can't. It was so well received in his day he was awarded an Honorary Fellowship at Bedrock University and soon after he wrote a best seller on the same subject. It took him years to chisel the stones in hieroglyphics and we have just discovered they now form the patio in our back yard and regrettably some have been buried under our conservatory. These are the stones to which I referred earlier. Mrs Bluelights was always asking Eddie what those strange markings were etched in the stones and asked me to turn all the flags over because they did not look nice and they were 'horrible, "Do it at once!", she said. "Yes, Madam!" So alas Freddie's original work is lost for ever.
However, I am pleased to say those ancient hieroglyphics were translated into English in 1485 and I have a copy of the book. So without undue delay I can relate some startling facts to you concerning Freddie's invaluable contribution to the world of medicine and science.
He was promoted to his research by some autographs he found in his family archives.
The first was signed by his great aunt and she was obviously taking a potshot at her husband with this spiteful little verse:
As a rule a man's a fool.When it's hot he wants it cool.When it's cool he wants it hot.He's always wanting what is not.
To Freddie this seemed to suggest the poor chap was capable of concentrating on one thing only, the weather. Yet he seemed to get his own back with this reply.
Man wants little here below.
He isn't hard to please.
But woman, bless her little heart.
Wants everything she sees.
This seemed to suggest the lady was capable of thinking of many things at once, and wanting to own them . . . . but could she actually do different things all at once, he wondered?
Freddie expounded that women were observed to be more capable or performing more than one act at once while men could cope only with one task. He researched the subject thoroughly and noticed during his ambulance days (yes he too was an ambulance man) a nurse managing four things perfectly, all at once. She was looking after a patient, had a telephone jammed under her chin whilst conversing perfectly, shaking a thermometer and taking a reading . . . all whilst chatting with her mates. This caused Freddie to smile at her as he awaited the patient she was attending so he could take him home. "Are you laughing at me?", she asked. "No, I would not dream of doing that. I was simply admiring your multi-tasking skills. I was thinking of bringing three oranges over and asking you to juggle those as well." He was such a character and his comment caused such amusement, I am told, he was rewarded with a piece of cake, such was his natural charm.
Freddie knew from personal experience how difficult multi-tasking always was when Wilma Bluelights 'hit' him with lots of different questions simultaneously, whilst offering him a sweet. It was as if she had asked him to calculate the value of Pi to the last decimal point. His brain simply went into 'information overload' whilst a) trying to remember the questions and b) formulating a suitable response in the correct sequence. As for consuming the sweet his brain was so busy processing information he put the sweet wrapping paper in his mouth and threw the sweet on the fire, much to his wif'e's amusement. She would say, "Never mind my dear have another sweet, but why are you ignoring my questions - I have had no response from you whatsoever - you never listen to me!" It is almost as though his brain was compartmentalised and there is a wall between each compartment - a solid wall.
Freddie wondered why he could just about muster a feeble reply, "Um and err! sorry I don't recall any of your questions, where's my sweet?"
Freddie wondered whether the answer to this entire phenomenon may be that although men's brains are larger than women's, perhaps the structure of their brain is a little different, so he consulted with some medical colleagues and then he found the solution which led to his first published theory, and he went on to write a paper on it, or should I say on stone. Although his findings were not in tablets of stone, well they were actually, but you know what I mean, he postulated that women have 30% more nerve connections between the left and right side of their brains than men, thus enabling information to jump from either side much quicker and in greater number than a man's brain could handle. This allowed her, without thinking, to do lots of things at once. Freddie remembers explaining to the medical profession that women tend to have more nerve endings in certain areas of the brain, like the cerebral “woe”tex, the “complain”ium, and the shopping centre. For multitasking, women tend to have a larger Corpus Colosseum, which indeed makes a better connection between the left and right halves of the brain. On behalf of all men everywhere, he congratulated all women on their mighty big ol' corpus colossus thing and complemented them on their superior Cerebral Hemispheres but would they kindly use their superior brains to stop their constant nagging at their menfolk.
In computer terminology it's a little like women having a dual, or maybe a quad, core microprocessor compared to a poor chap's single core microprocessor - he's on a hiding for nothing when 'ramming' lots of information into his memory all at once inside his noddle.
In the field of mathematics Freddie proved ladies can handle simultaneous equations far better than men, as they can with differential calculus and trigonometry. In more recent times Albert Einstein, a mere man, was judged by his wife a 'dismal flop' in terms of multi-tasking, managing to solve his Special Theory Of Relativity in 1906 after many years of study and we had to wait another 9 years until 1915 for his General Theory. "Pitiful", Mrs Einstein might have said, "Albert, you sit in front of that typewriter all day and all night, never doing any household jobs and still you have found no solution."
"Sorry dear, my I.Q. is only 130 and I am working very hard on this paper."
"Do you want baked beans on toast or scrambled egg for your tea?"
"Sorry, dear please don't deluge me with difficult questions right now - I'm just about to make a breakthrough with a formula which powers the whole universe - ah here it is E equals MC squared. Don't worry dear I'll take us out to lunch in 1916 when it's finished!"
"Oh! don't bother!", she said as she stalked out, slamming the door, causing him to remark, "What the 'ell's the matter with her? It's not my fault that electrical impulses whiz around her noddle much faster than mine!"
Recent observers have commented that in the world of classical music all the greats are men and no-one can think of even one single woman composer. Freddie wondered why that should be so and after considerable thought he hypothesised that men can do one thing at a time much better than women like composing a symphony or a writing a romantic piano concerto whilst not have to bother about mundane things like washing the baby, getting the tea, cleaning the house, shopping, ironing, painting nails, plucking eyelashes, ringing friends, having coffee mornings. He developed this thought further and deduced if men had to do all this he as well as composing they would be sunk and Beethoven for one would have composed only three symphonies during his whole life whilst
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony would be
Schubert's Never Started Symphony. Need I say more, except ladies, please let us men get on with our creative work without you giving us endless do-lists which serve no purpose in life other than preventing us from creating masterpieces all over the world? And while we are at it, let us blog whenever we want to blog, OK!
Freddie discovered there were several benefits, or spin offs, from his original research as the consequence of females possessing quicker brains enabled by all these additional nerve connections. The female of the species is much better at 'telling porkies' or dare I say, 'lies', than us mere men, although it is a rare occurrence for her to attempt this privilege. Further she is much more adept at seeing through a man's pitiful attempts to 'tell porkies' because she can deduce an untruth instantly no matter how well conceived - so fellows don't even try it - forget it . . . . . you will hung, drawn and quartered . . . I warn you!
Freddie wondered why all this should be so and it seems his distant ancestors developed that way to 'specialise' in certain aspects of the household/tribal assignments or chores. A man had a deep voice and when he shouted at the kids loudly they screamed their heads off causing their mums to come to their rescue with their much higher voices, yelling and screaming at their bewildered hubbies, telling them to get out and go hunting, but make sure you take plenty of their mates with them or they would make such a mess of it that they might themselves be hunted and eaten by the animals. "Oh go and chase a Tyrannosaurus Rex", she might say, "and make sure you bring it home for your tea or you don't get anything - and if you think your going to get anything else tonight you've had your chips!"
Attacked this way by a barrage of screaming 'Ab dabs' our ancient forefathers might have gathered their clubs and spears, collected their mates and stormed off hunting - and that's what they did all day long! So the men specialised in hunting and did not have to think of anything else apart from telling jokes and discussing with their pals manly things which is way beyond the remit of this post to divulge. By and large it worked well. The menfolk usually returned home triumphantly with a beaten up Triceratops or a huge Hippopotamus as their reward. They dumped their prize on the floor and said, "Here Missus, make the tea!" Notice the word please was not in their vocabulary until much later. So she picked it up happily and she skinned it, carved it up and did all the necessaries. Uggh!
But when we were out hunting you ladies were in the caves, balancing a baby on one hip whilst incubating another AND doing the washing, scrubbing the floors and washing the eating pots . . . all simultaneously whilst nudging each other and admiring every passing handsome ape man looking vaguely like George Clooney. When a baby balanced on her hip screamed she took it all in her stride - she knew exactly what to do.
Had we been in opposite roles you ladies could probably manage the hunting as well as or even better than us because you women can think of more than one thing at a time, like setting traps and covering escape routes at the same time and thinking of where to go for holidays this year . . . . . all whilst avoiding a charging deadly Sabre Toothed Tiger. If us menfolk had to contend with all the domestic duties plus dealing with the noise of screaming babies, the noise would drive us bonkers and would make us so mad and only being able to do one thing at a time we would half murder the poor little mites to shut them up.
Eventually the ape man might have grunted, "ug ano mw awisif ugg!", the literal translation being, "It's alright woman, I've given her a doll to play with!"
Her her mother would reply, "Im si sharuslyou in did risjdfgj!" which literally translates, "You idiot! That doll is so big the baby thinks she's going to be eaten - you might as well let her play with a live Tyrannosaurus Rex!"
"Oh I'm going hunting again!" he would say, as he stormed out of the cave, and actually that's why we went hunting in the first place to escape the constant nagging and baby yelling.
Recent research verifies Freddie Bluelight's work. Notably, researchers have confirmed large differences in the female brain and a distinct absence of activity in a certain region of the male brain which explains why women complain that husbands simply ignore their questions. In other words sometimes there is nothing between his ears! Analysis shows that under these circumstances very few, if any, men say they have heard the question or statement from their wife. Also, many wives complain about husbands not listening or being so engrossed in television or the computer that it is like talking to a telephone pole — there is absolutely no response from her spouse whatsoever.
Research has shown brain images taken while men and women are talking to each other. According to the researchers, lighted areas of the brain on the MRIs indicate brain activity. When you look at the MRIs, men have only four areas of brain activity, while women have approximately 16 lighted areas. This accounts for the common knowledge that most women are better at multi-tasking than men. Women have the greater capacity to attend to more than one task at a time. They can grade papers, keep up with a television program, talk to a child about homework and cook a meal all at the same time. For a man, it would feel totally overwhelming doing these many tasks at once. One lady stated, "As a child, I remember my mother used to say you have to hit him (my dad) in the head with a two-by-four to get his attention. I now understand what she meant!"
Latest research states that men traditionally were programmed to be hunters. They would go out to track down and kill an animal so the family could eat. To accomplish this task, a man had to be able to focus on one task. If he failed at this task, his family might starve. Everything else had to be put on the back burner of his mind. Meanwhile, the female partner was back home, tending to multiple children, gathering sides to go with the deer meat, talking to the other women in the village, preparing dry food to last through the winter, plus a dozen other tasks.
So, it is true, sometimes men just don't get it. They are like a TV that has only one channel and, if you are not on that channel, you are on the back burner. It may have little to do with whether he loves you or not. It has more to do with the way his brain functions.
The inferior-parietal lobe is larger in men than in women. This area of the brain is thought to control characteristics that make a person more prone to mechanical and analytical thought. The corpus callosum, the space between the right and left hemispheres of the brain is larger in women than in men and contains more neural pathways. This is thought to make women superior in processing language, information, emotion and cognition. It's well know that women are superior in understanding the subtleties of relationships, emotional overtones, and artistic expressions. The hypothalamus, where hormonal control functions are based, the male brain differs greatly from women.
So there you have it folks! Sorry about the bad news chaps!
Next time see how Freddie explores why men can run faster than women.
Is it so he can catch one of these?
Or is it so he can escape from one of these?
or maybe to escape from one of these
to get some peace and quiet?
Do not miss. Tune in next week!
For those looking for Eva's Roast press HERE
This follows on from Freddie's previous lecture entitled, "Why women can multi-task and men can't." If you missed it press 
Or to run away from one of these?
Or maybe running like hell from one of these? Imagine one of these charging at you from the forest!!
Or perhaps fleeing from his mother-in-law? HELP!
They would say, "Boo!" and scream at the poor unsuspecting Big Foot. Then another, "Boo!", moving in a slightly different direction, then another. The Big Foot would get so mad it would not know which screaming woman to chase, particularly if it was male and could not multi-task. Then all the screaming ladies would all turn round and run away with Big Foot, puffing and snorting in hot pursuit. Then more would appear and eventually they would lead the poor thing into a trap, the floor would give way and he would fall into a deep pit. Then the women would spear it to death, complaining that their husbands seemed quite incapable of working out how to do such a simple task, remarking, "Who needs testosterone when we can do it equally well with oestrogen."