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Friday 30 September 2011

Fancy Helping Me To Save The Sunday Roast?

Situations Vacant - The Sunday Roast Chief Exec requires Three Directors

Now you don't see plum jobs like these advertised very often, do you? So please read on and snap them up quick before these opportunities vanish for ever. It's a red hot chance for you to give folk a right royal roasting, just like you've always wanted to. Now I've had a bit of fun doing this post but actually I do require some help, be it large or small.  It might appeal to someone out there who has some spare time on their hands, who likes to get their teeth into a project and have loads of fun along the way.
So here is my imaginary job advertisement:

Three Directors Urgently Required to save The Sunday Roast

The current Chief Executive is stepping down to Director level and therefore invites three willing and tireless bloggers to form a team, with him as a fourth equal partner, in order to keep this popular flagship column on track and alive.  It is a top class column and it could become very popular.

Applications are welcome from anyone with at least one, or preferably several, of these highly desirable personal qualities:

They must have an outstanding sense of humour and be a bit cheeky
They must be slightly insane, just like Eddie
Must be a masochist and enjoy burning and turning people on the spit
They must have a vivid imagination
They must be witty and charming, just like the existing Chief Executive who is able to charm the birds out of the trees, of course
They must have the ability to extract information from their victims clinically and decisively
They must display a real hunger for running themselves into the ground for the good of the column
They must be capable of identifying, pursuing and relentlessly hunting down their prey when striving to find seemingly reluctant new 'roastees'
(They all end up loving it really but some at first pretend to be a bit shy)
They must be expert inquisitors/ torturers and never let their screaming quarry off the hook until the interview is safely received
They must be able to work well as team players
(Successful candidates will be invited to contribute to and discuss a Business Plan to re-launch the column)
Finally, they must not allow themselves to get despondent when they see few comments on their interview

In addition, it would be desirable for candidates to display willingness to:

Promote The Sunday Roast to the best of their ability throughout BlogLand using their proven Sales and Marketing experience
Suggest and implement new and more effective ways of spreading the good news of The Sunday Roast
(Like Twitter and Facebook etc.)

Successful applicants will be rewarded with this unbelievable remuneration package:

Salary: £0
Holiday Entitlement: Nil
Pension: Zero
Private Health and Accident Insurance: None
Company Car: None

Also wanted: an infinite number of Spies and Scouts
with the specific duty of finding and reporting new roasts.  Must have a press-gang type personality to encourage/bully new roasts to participate. Successful applicants could easily grow into the job and become members of the Board of Directors.

Applications will be seriously considered for brave or foolhardy individuals who wish to make a solo friendly or hostile takeover of the column, seeing themselves as a White Knight in shining armour seated on a fiery steed.
(But take it from me folks, this job is too big for just one, I think)

My fee for transfer of all private equity and hand over of the feature lock, stock and barrel will be as follows, should your application be successful:

If you are a lady - a romantic candle-lit dinner for two at a venue of your choosing, provided you pick up the tab LOL

If you are a man - an unromantic, dinner for two at McDonald's in broad daylight. I'll buy you a hot dog


Seriously folks I just cannot manage to keep it going by myself. I have done over 60 roasts since I took over from David.  I am sorry it has all come to a halt - I really enjoyed doing it but I just have not the time anymore.  I think it would be great fun if several of us teamed up and shared the work and in that way no one person would be under pressure to get the interviews out week after week.  Come on then, step forward, advance and be recognised and let's get this thing on the road again.  I have a few ideas as to how we can work together on this, and would invite suggestions from you.

Here is my email address:

Incidentally I do have some roasts in the oven but they surely must be incinerated by now - just like my cooking! LOL

I wonder if I may ask The Sunday Roast enthusiasts to display my advertisement somewhere in a prominent position on their blogs, perhaps you might consider it worthy of a special post - thank you.

For those who have not the foggiest idea what The Sunday Roast is please press HERE

I would be very interested to read your comments. Do you want to see it continued?  Or do you think it has run it's course?  I shall not be offended whatever the answer.

Tuesday 27 September 2011

Six sent off following underpants row

Get this folks!!

I had to laugh when I heard this story on our local radio station this morning, so I thought you might like a little giggle too.  It concerns a youth football match and the almost unbelievable action by the referee when he sent off no less than five players for, wait for it, wearing the wrong coloured underpants.  And, get this, the manager was sent off too!  No wonder the team lost 6-0.

Here is full the story. Courtesy of The Bath Chronicle newspaper.
A youth game descended into farce after Bath City's youth team had five players and their manager sent off following a row about underpants.

Darren Adie, refereeing the contest against Newport County, contentiously ruled that some of the Bath team's underwear contravened the official rules.
The FA's rule 4 says "if thermal undershorts are worn, they are of the same main colour as the shorts."

Several players fell foul of the ruling, wearing white pants which were visible under the club's red shorts.
That said, the match was 20 minutes old before the issue came to a head.
Defender Billy Cooper was sent off first, with manager Billy Clark following for dissent at the decision, before Ciaran Rogers, Zemell Burton, Ben Bicknell and Lewis Pierre all saw red and were given their marching orders.
Despite that, the Bath Chronicle report that Bath City believe that even after the red cards, there were still players on the pitch on both sides who were technically in breach of the rules but remained on the pitch throughout.
Unsurprisingly, Bath City went on to lose the Youth Cup tie 6-0, with the first goal scored while two of their players were off the field, changing.
Bath City chairman Manda Rigby described the parents who saw the game as "distressed and angry," and said that referee Adie had locked himself in his room after the game. (spoil sport !)
‘"It was farcical - I have never seen anything like it before," she said.
‘"I was in total disbelief."
Bath managing director Paul Williams added: "It was all very surreal. I was angry with the officials.
"Every team has to submit a report about the officials to the FA. Let's just say ours is a very long report."
A spokesman for the FA said it was looking into the incident together with the Welsh FA, who supplied the match officials.
Newport County secretary Mike Everett, meanwhile, said he would not be making a similar complaint about the standard of refereeing. (I wonder why!)  "I understand that the initial problem was regarding incorrect undergarments," he said. "The referee made his decisions. There's not a lot I can add." (He might have added, "Thanks ref for helping us to win 6-0")

* * * * * * * * *

Back to me:
Apparently, as I heard on the radio this morning, the team was issued with an away strip minus underpants and the players were expected to provide thermal underwear at their expense.  Pity no-one told them which colour to buy - and wasn't the club stingy? Why did they not provide the full kit?

I cannot believe why the ref allowed this to happen. Why did he not inform the players before kick off and not after 20 minutes play?  And why bother to do it anyway?  It would not have affected play in the slightest.

It would serve the officials right if the team elected to play wearing no underpants and hope their modesty remained intact.  I guess it would help them to maintain their modesty if they read my highly popular post, titled "How to remove your underpants without removing your trousers" .  But this would in all probability be so exciting that everyone would want to try it, including the referee and the spectators, thus ruining the game further.

Let's hope their next game is not quite so PANTS!

Oh! and just in case you think the chap in the photo is me, like one commenter, who's name shall not be mentioned LOL, well even I would not admit to that LOL. Except, of course, I played rugby, not football LOL.

Thursday 22 September 2011

Eddie Drunk Under The Table By . . . . . A Priest and Mrs Bluelights Looks For A Large Hole In Which To Hide

Have you ever wanted to just crawl into the nearest available hole to hide one's embarrassment?  It happened to me and to Mrs Bluelights on separate occasions, courtesy of my dear son, then aged just 3.  I step into my time machine and invite you to join me when I recall both events, occurring during my Painting and Decorating days.

I may have mentioned before that although I am not a Catholic I do attend Catholic masses with my family. There are slight differences in basic theological 'fundamentals' which prevent me from signing up, and so I could be described as Church of England, but more accurately a 'Non Dinominational' worshipper, if you get my drift.  Anyway, my first story concerns our then local Catholic Priest who had been 'badgering' me for years to 'join the club' but could never understand why my reply was always that I am a member of the broader true 'invisible' church, free from all denominations.

One day we heard, to our dismay, that some youths, who I can only describe as 'Yobbos' had broken into the presbytery the previous evening and terrorised him for a few hours.  They had forced the flimsy side door open and easily gained access.  They gave him a torrid time but eventually they left and thankfully he was not physically harmed although he was very frightened and worried that they would return to repeat the ordeal. The police were not much use because they simply did not have the man power to constantly keep an eye on the place.  I was asked to see what I could do to fortify the entrance to make it impossible for these thugs to regain entrance.  I used fence posts inside the existing door and screwed them firmly into the walls, then I screwed sturdy timbers across the frame and I do believe that by the time I finished it the barricade was so strong it would almost stop a tank.  The priest was not convinced, however, because after a week he was still worrying, so I was asked to see him again to reassure him that it was completely safe and no-one could get in.  He told me that a reinforced wrought iron gate with bars at only 3 inch intervals was due to be fitted the next day and he said he would be completely at ease with that.  I thought for a while and given that he was so distraught I suggested I stayed with him that night to keep him company and make him feel safer.  He gladly took me up on my offer so I arrived at about 7.30pm and was greeted by a much relieved priest.  We sat for a while and then the inevitable happened.  He was an Irish Catholic Priest and in true form he produced a large bottle of whiskey which he proceeded to open and poured two generous glasses for us, remarking in 'a by the way' tone that there was water in the jug in case I wanted it, and during the whole course of the evening I never saw him pour any into his glass.

As one might expect the topic of conversation turned to religion. the saints, purgatory and other contentious issues.  I did not mind in the slightest because I do study the Bible but remarked that their New Jerusalem version includes "The Apocrypha" which technically is not recognised in the Canon of Scripture at the various church counsels throughout church history.  He appeared to enjoy the debate and smiled when I asked him what was the necessity of asking the saints to intervene for us and that I believed in going straight to the top and asking the "Top Man" personally, implying that anything else would suggest that God is not big enough to hear all our pleas and answer them all at once and why would he require a third party.  Anyway we carried on like this until about 2am and had 'downed' many glasses between us, with me diluting my share with copious amounts of water and him having all of his neat, much to my amazement.  The inevitable conclusion to the evening was that he drank me under the table and I remember remarking to him that if anyone came to trouble him now I would not be of much use. So we agreed to turn in which we did, with me in the guest room.  By now my ears had a continuous humming sound from within and the room was spinning, not in a horizontal plane, but a vertical one and that my friends meant one thing, and one thing only - I was about to bring my boots up LOL.  I stumbled to the bathroom - thanking God I remembered where it was - and sure enough my prediction was realised and through the haze I managed to congratulate myself on my marksmanship. I did not sleep a wink that night and had a thumping head, the like I had never before experienced. He on the other hand was a bright as a button at the crack of dawn and showed no signs of any hangover whatsoever.  He offered me breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, fried bread, baked beans and then toast - all the things I would otherwise have relished, but today I could not even think of it without revisiting the bathroom.  So I bade him goodbye and said I would return that evening to see if the new gate was to his satisfaction.

When I returned home, risking a possible drinking and driving charge I might add, Mrs Bluelights was truly amazed at my condition and equally amazed that 'Father' had actually got me into that state. All I could do, holding my head, was to lie down in complete oblivion to any vestige of life - oh for total darkness I longed! LOL.  My son was 3 and he obviously heard some of the things Mrs Bluelights had said to me and that evening I made the serious error of taking him along with me to see the priest.  Of course the innocent little lad blurted out as soon as we met, "Mummy said you gave Daddy far too much to drink last night!", to which he replied, "He should have used more water!".  Oh! my! I did feel embarrassed but no harm was done because he liked the gate and next mass he mentioned there had been a Good Samaritan in our midst and without mentioning my name he thanked me publicly.  As I reward he said mass for my Mother and Father who had both departed.  I was highly amused by this but took him up on his kind offer.

Now for Mrs Bluelights' turn.  A wealthy parishioner, whom I shall call Florinda, knew Mrs Bluelights is of Polish extraction.  Florinda explained she had a special guest staying with her who was Polish and would Mrs Bluelights and the family care to join her for afternoon tea.  I was working that day but Mrs Bluelights, our daughter and our son did attend but only after our 3 year old son was 'grilled' to be on his very best behaviour since Florinda was a very 'posh' lady.  He was told before he said anything to anyone he must first say "Excuse me!" and we practised this with a high level of success before the day.  So with confidence the three of them attended the afternoon tea party.  The dear little lad was marvellous all afternoon.  He was, and still is, a very friendly and social person and was very sensible for a lad of 3.  It all went well until he spoke again to Florinda but this time said, "Excuse me!".  She said, "Yes!  He said, and this caused Mrs Bluelights to want to find a big hole to fall into, "Excuse me! You are not a posh lady at all - you are a very nice one!"

She roared and roared with laughter!!  Oh how kids get you into trouble, don't they!  He just loves this story now! Upon reflection it was an extremely nice thing for him to say. For a long time we had some fun with this in church - whenever we saw Florinda we said, "Excuse me!" in a little voice before we began a conversation.

Sunday 11 September 2011

I'm Over 30 Feet Up And My Ladder Is Slipping! OMG

Here is my good old faithful triple extension ladder I used for my painting and decorating work.  See the wheels at the top?  If I wanted to hoist the ladder up further I would simply wheel it up the wall and in this way I could get it up very high without damaging the painting area. Over the years my arms and legs became very strong with moving the ladder all day long and climbing it endlessly - no wonder my hip wore out and well done the other one for surviving so long.
(Like the biceps? Now look, this is not a photoshop job either LOL)

I would never go up a ladder unless I knew it was completely safe and in later years I fitted special rubber swivel feet with a large surface area to give a lot of grip and stability.  Loads of painters and window cleaners who saw it were interested and wanted a set and I sent a lot of chaps to the ladder shop to buy some.  I was a bit slow there wasn't I?  I should have asked the shop for some commission. I could have made a fortune.
 (How's that for increased grip?)

In my early days before I fitted the swivel feet I was painting the walls of a large house with exterior brilliant white Weathershield.  This house included a chimney, also requiring painting, and it's top was about 40 feet above the ground - Oh Lawdy Me! Another fine mess I got myself into LOL - might be easier walking on water.  The back of the chimney was to be reached using my roof ladder.  Here it is - now in my garage and not used for a few years and serving very nicely to help to store some of my junk.
Back to the job.
I had to carry this long roof ladder up my ladder and get the wheels onto the roof so I could push it up the tiles until it reached the top. Then I had to turn it over and pull it down the roof until I met resistance - it was now hooked over the tile ridge and ready for me to board.  I had to make sure my ladder reached higher than the roof ladder so I could climb onto it from my ladder, carefully remembering which foot went where so I could do the reverse when I came down. We couldn't have me making a 999 call to the Fire Brigade to get me down, could we?  Of course I couldn't anyway because this occurred long before we had mobile cell phones.  Oh, yes, I had to carry some paint and a roller up as well and use a special bucket which hooked onto the normal ladder or roof ladder. It all sounds like a Buster Keaton movie doesn't it?  Well, that was the plan. On this particular occasion I was addressing the outside of the chimney and I was about 35 feet up and my ladder was fully extended.  It was a beautiful day, as I remember and I had just cut in all the top brush painting and was about to use the roller. I had my roller pole all ready and I happened to glance at the ladder wheels and got the shock of my life!!  The wheels were slowly turning . . . . . . . . .  and turning in a . . . . . . help! . . . . . . . in a downward direction. "OMG!" I said to myself, and I had not even got a parachute with me!  I thought it could be either that the ladder was sinking or, worst case scenario, the base might be slipping outwards, away from the house.  I was worried to say the least!   I had to move very, very gently because I feared the latter was the case and if so the wheels would accelerate at a rate I would not appreciate, causing me to travel rapidly in a southerly direction. "Don't panic!", I said to myself.  I left paint in the bucket on my ladder hook and ever so slowly I descended and got down safely.  I was relieved to find the ladder had simply sunk about 6 inches into some soft ground, which actually could still have been dangerous.  Fortunately both sides had sunk equally because if they had not the whole thing might have tipped sideways in which case, "Bye Bye Eddie! - hope you have a soft landing!".  I suppose I should have realised before I went up the ladder it had been raining quite hard recently and the ground was quite soft.  After a while I regained composure and found some wood planks which I put under the rungs to stop it slipping further.  I jumped up and down on the bottom rung to test it and the ladder did not sink further so I ascended 'Jacob's Ladder' as I affectionately called my ladder and got on with the job, fortunately with no further mishaps.

The house in question was owned by a GP and his wife and my darling sister, Maggie May of Nuts In May,  had recommended my services to them at her church.  They had a rather interesting story because the gentleman some years previously had a serious back complaint and had visited a well known Christian Healer called Ian Andrews at a special healing service.  Ian had prayed for healing and the doctor's back was healed but he did have the occasional twinge now and then. I had already at that time some interesting healing tapes by Ian Andrews and the doctor and I discussed these sometimes during various coffee breaks.

I suppose if Newton's Law had chosen to propel me quickly in a southerly direction Ian Andrews might have come to my rescue LOL. My, I've met some interesting characters, haven't I?