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Tuesday 10 August 2010

Want Some More Church Notice Bloomers?

Oh! I see you were rather amused by my Church Notice Gaffs on my previous post (see HERE). Well I liked them anyway!!! LOL

So I have some more for you.
Bless you my children!
For our Easter service we have asked Mrs Lewis to come to the front of the Church and lay an egg on the altar.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer
We are having some restoration work in the church over the next four weeks which means that the font could be at the front or the back of the Church. Therefore babies could be baptised at both ends.

Sorry, I thought there were more . . . but do not despair for I have some true ecclesiastical stories and experiences of 'men of the cloth' whom I know. It is a fact that ALL Catholic Priests possess two wonderful qualities, particularly Irish Priests:

1. They all can drink most people under the table, including me!
2. They all have a great sense of humour.

A newly appointed Canon, who is a good friend, informed us that he had been recently appointed Canon from his former position of Parish Priest. He remarked that he hoped he would not be 'fired' and he would rather be 'shot'.
Joke from a Canon (chap above):
A religion teacher was teaching 5-6 year olds and asked the children this question, "Where is God?" expecting an infant equivalent of He's everywhere, the divine characteristic of Omnipresence. A little girl put up her hand and said, "Please Miss, He's in the toilet!" "Oh! why do you answer that, Jane?" "Because, Miss, whenever my granny tries to go there she always finds the door locked and says, 'God, he's still in there again!' "
Another Canon addressed us during a sermon and said an elderly lady stopped him in the street last week and informed him she thought he'd died 3 years ago. He was rather surprised to hear her say, "I have been praying for your soul every day for the last three years". The Canon replied, "Why thank you! I'm so glad I have a large credit in my spiritual bank account but I do not intend to make a withdrawal just yet!"
A friend of mine once rang his wife at 2am and said, "I'm OK love, I'm playing chess with a vicar!" "Oh yes!" she said, "pull the other one!"
Another priest, this time an Irish one, once drank me under the table, much to the surprise of my wife, Mrs Bluelights, who chastised me the next day for my 'wayward behaviour' LOL. My little boy, as he was then, overheard her reprimand. The next time he saw the priest with us he piped out, "Mummy said you gave Daddy far too much to drink the other night!" Oh! I could have fallen into the biggest hole to escape embarrassment. The priest replied that I should have put more water in my whiskey. I noticed he didn't!
We know a Priest called Father Gunning who is rather apprehensive of promotion to Canon Gunning, but it is almost certain he will be. Let's hope he doesn't get too 'fired up' about it.
And finally I have posted a year ago that my cousin owned a famous racehorse called "What's Up Boys" who won some notable horse races and came second in our 2002 Grand National . . . . .and nearly won it having been just 'pipped at the post by Bindaree. Our local Parish Priest, the one who drank me under the table, was a betting man (for his sins) and was astonished to hear it was my charismatic cousin who owned such a famous horse.
When I told him my cousin owned this horse, which he knew and admired, I was promoted instantly straight to the summit of his social and spiritual hierarchical pyramid of 'important people', surpassing even the Bishop. There I was residing right up there alongside Cardinals, eclipsing a fair number of canonised Saints, just below in rank to his holiness the Pope himself! And I wasn't even a Catholic!

He asked me to let him know every time "What's Up Boys?" was running, for RJ would ring me prior to each occasion, advising whether to put my shirt on it or show cautious restraint. The Priest and I devised a sort of sign language to convey the latest appraisal of betting form. At the start of each Sunday Mass, when the altar boys led the procession down the Aisle, followed by the Priest, he would turn round to me and mouth mime, "What's Up Boys?" I would nod or shake my head and by agreed semaphore language would advise the time it was running next Saturday, and convey the risk assessment ranging from a thumbs up to a frown meaning, "Don't put the church collection on it!" By this time the procession had progressed to the altar without him, he eventually noticed and had to run to catch up, making the excuse for this delay to make a sign of the cross over my head, followed by those immortal words, "Bless you my son!", so all could hear this special attention for the worst sinner in the entire congregation! My, it was embarrassing! When the horse died I was dropped like a stone and demoted to 'ordinary status', never again enjoying my VIP treatment. LOL

The full story can be seen HERE as a prelude to my most popular post where all the then known bloggers took part in my 2009 Grand National shown HERE.

And finally, you may sense I am very much better and I am pleased to report for the first time I feel really well with near normal legs and feet - hooray!


  1. canon you are too much eddie...having worked in the church...i love these even more...

  2. Some fun stuff, Eddie. Always can count on a smile here. Thanks!

  3. Glad your feet & legs are now working well again! We will be entering YOU for the Grand National next!
    Isn't it just like a child to repeat something word for word to those who you would least like to hear it!
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

  4. Hi Eddie, Sooo glad to hear you are feeling great again. That was a long haul for you. Now don't over do it with all the chores and repairs and it will be smooth sailing!

    "...babies could be baptised at both ends." I'd love to see that happen :-)

    I'm taking a 3 week blog vacation to catch up on summer. I'll be back Sept. 1st. Until then, be well and enjoy yourself. Cheers, jj

  5. Hello, Eddie:
    I found you via Mmm's blog this morning and am so glad I came over here. What a great blog!- Really looking forward to checking out the "Roast" this weekend.

    Blessings to you!

  6. Oh Eddie, both these posts are HILARIOUS!

    I love Canon Gunning and the Rummage Sale - bring your husbands!

    (I'm afraid the church wouldn't benefit much from the sale of Mr. Potter. I'd say the most he'd bring'd be a dollar and a quarter.)

    Bless you, my son!

    (Side note from Ethel's feet: We are greatly relieved to hear of the recovery of Eddie's feet and legs and hope that he continues to feel better. We are still in quite a bit of pain, but our new $400 shoe inserts should be here in another week or so, and we are hopeful they will prove a miracle cure for us. And please convey to Eddie's feet our invitation to converse and complain at any time. We are ALWAYS up for a complaint.)

  7. If someone really did lay an egg on the altar, it would certainly liven up the service!


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